Marriage Monday--Personal Commitment

The Marriage Monday topic for the week is commitment.  I would have liked to think that it would be a cinch to write about how to stay committed in marriage.  But, it isn't.  It's been almost five years since we tackled the topic of divorce in this forum.  It was there that I began to articulate some of my thoughts of how the commitment is to God, and the relationship with the spouse grows from that.  It is how to traverse the difficulties of life in marriage.  I still believe what I wrote.  But five years of growth and watching other marriages and experiencing the roller coaster of life my husband & I have been on, I've come to a further conclusion.  Commitment is very personal and cannot be generalized.

I continue to be blessed in a marriage where we are healthy, employed, content and faithful.  Yet we have experienced so much change in the last five years that there were times it would have been easy to throw up my hands and say "enough!" I haven't because I believe that God has brought us together for this crazy roller coaster and I trust God enough to trust German. Although by the time my thoughts get to computer screen they are aligned (re-aligned) and following German's lead, they certainly don't get there immediately.  There have been many a difficult discussion. I'm sure there are days that German, too, would throw up his hands and cry "enough!" But he doesn't. He doesn't because he believes that God provided us for each other and we need to support each other in the chaos.  He chooses to trust God enough to also trust me.  That is how we personally view our commitment to each other--it is first a commitment to God. Your experience will be specific to your situation. Even a "first commitment to God, second to spouse" will look different when you do it than when I demonstrate what I mean.

I look around me and see that, for better or worse, that commitment to God first may not always appear to be the case.  We have watched friends' marriages fall apart.  We have been part of the "who gets custody of the friends" situations.  We have seen other marriages hang together for no other visible reason than God must be holding it. I have recently uttered for the first time in my life "they would be better off divorced"--and meant it.  The psychological abuse that is evident breaks my heart and not even separation has helped.  In other situations I am praying fervently for restoration. And I only know tips of icebergs in each of these situations.  Obviously, I am not privy to all the details.  In some cases there appears to be unreciprocated commitment. Others reciprocated, but in languages that are not communicating to one another. Others, maybe the commitment is to a feeling but not to something with a strong enough foundation.  In other words, commitment is nigh impossible to judge from the outside.  So we shouldn't. We should be willing to pray and to offer support as requested. But judgment needs to be reserved.

As we journey through life we will see marriage commitments that seem to fail.  Let us be careful in how we respond.  Let us be quick to extend grace and slow to judge. May we remember that demonstrations of commitment are personal to the individuals in the situations. How you would react may not be generalized to everyone should react the same way.  If we can do that, maybe we can show a little of Christ's encouragement to others.
 

Please join us at Chrysalis Cafe for more discussions of commitment.

Marriage Monday--Faith and Marriage

There are very few places on this earth that German must consult with me before accepting a job transfer that would require a move. Parts of Africa. The Middle East. Germany. Parts of South America. That's it.

Wait, you say. Germany? You love Germany. And you would be correct. But Germany is one of the few countries where we could work and live that homeschooling is totally illegal. We have believed from before we had children that God called us to a lifestyle that included educating our children on our terms. Therefore Germany is on the off-limits list.

So, that day in June when the call came, we were both surprised at our confidence and peace with the answer.

German: "They want me to interview for a new account. It's in Germany."
Me: "Go for it, how soon will we go?"
German: "Immediately. Are you sure?"
Me: "God will still provide for school. Be sure it is included in the package."

That was the discussion. I was in a taxi on my way to the train station. The girls were with me and I didn't want to get them worried. German was in a taxi in London on the way to a meeting. He said later he was surprised I did not have more questions. But I was totally at peace. I knew that this would mean a new lifestyle entirely. Yet, I was utterly convinced that God had orchestrated this move (remember this is before we even had the job) specifically for one of the girls. When German got home he said to me, "I think that this move is about ___". He named the same child that I am/was convinced this was destined to develop. I laughed aloud--isn't God good to reassure with the same thought.
(And weeks later when discussing the move with a friend she said, "You know this move is all about ___ don't you?" Yep, same child mentioned. Confirmation.)

So many people have been surprised by my okayness with all these changes. All I can relate it to is that I have absolute faith that German is leading this family according to his best understanding of God's leading in his life. If we did not have trust in each other's faith in God, we would be lost. But because we know that we individually are seeking God, we can trust one another. For me that is how faith exhibits itself in my marriage.

To see what an amazing group of women are writing about faith and marriage, please visit Chrysalis Cafe. You will be blessed.

Marriage Monday

Marriage Monday is back! Our topic this week is Gender Differences in Marriage and you can find some of the suggested prompts for writing here.

I often think that most of the differences German and I have are related to personality. He is the Extroverted Thinker and I'm the Introverted Feeler and that leads to all sorts of fun miscommunications. But now, as the parent of a little man who is oh-so-different from his sisters, I am recognizing more and more that some of the differences are simply gender.

In that thinking, I was most intrigued by the prompt of the differences in how we express our Christian Faith. This could easily be one of the areas that we are most divergent. I as a typical female will find myself caught in the emotion of worship; he will be more focused on particular aspects of the service. I'll leave with tear-streaked face and he'll leave wanting a concordance to check a reference. My commentary will be how something moved me, his will be how it challenged him. I will have noticed those around who seem to be struggling. When pointed out, he will have suggestions of how to meet needs. Diverging responses to the same service.

Neither response wrong.

Both responses needed.

And as we share them together (as we walk along the Rhine River from church to home), we find a completeness. I find the words to analyze and apply. He finds the emotions to express. We round out each other's experience with our own. We find wholeness.

Kind of like God planned it that way all along.

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.
Genesis 2:24

Oh, maybe he did!

Marriage Monday--Not Becoming Complacent

It is a rare moment where the baby is asleep and all is quiet in our house.

I sigh. "I suppose we have to go finish the taxes."

"Yeah, we do," he replied. "But first..."  There is a slight twinkle in his eye.  He nods toward a closed door. "I think we have time."

We giggle, slip through the door and set up the game.  He comments that this is the first chance we have had to play pool without passing the baby from person to person in weeks.

You may think that playing a game of pool would not be a priority in sleep-deprived parents, but for us it is crucial.  Our nightly games are a chance to reconnect, to discuss things under the cover of noise, to laugh at each other and with each other.  They are a few minutes of  "us time" in the midst of constant busyness.


As I thought about this week's topic of how to keep boredom and apathy at bay in our marriages, this time was what immediately came to mind.  What matters most to us is to keep finding ways to connect.  In the busyness.  In the parenting.  In the work stresses and the moves and the responsibilities.  We must find ways to connect that are fun (outside the serious, decision-making connections that are inevitable). My encouragement to others is have fun together and have rituals together that keep you....well, together.

Your ritual, fun-connection time will probably not be around a billiard table. Maybe it is taking a walk, or going for a drive.  Maybe it is reading the newspaper together whilst having morning coffee.  Maybe it is in pizza and movie night.  Whatever it is, it is important.  Don't neglect to have fun together.  You are less likely to become bored if you are laughing, talking and connecting.

At least, that is what I have found to be true for us.

For other great thoughts on not growing bored, please join the Marriage Monday community at Chrysalis Cafe.

Marriage Monday---Pondering New Life, Treasuring Children

It's Marriage Monday! I'm so glad that autumn is here and we are writing on marriage again.  My apologies that I missed the first one earlier this month.  The topic was communication--and obviously I'm doing a great job communicating right now.  This month's topic is children. Last time we spoke of children here at MM, I wrote on our choice to home educate.  Today, I'm going to veer off the suggested paths and post something I've been writing for the last several weeks.

You may remember that my words for 2011 are PONDER and TREASURE. They are taken from Luke 2:19:

But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.

We've had much to ponder and treasure this year as we learned early in 2011 we would be moving to Ireland. German began work in March but we were unable to move until the end of June. Settling into a new culture and watching my children navigate these waters have given me many things to treasure, and to ponder.

*Every time Jewel tells me she has finished another book (she is a voracious reader) I treasure that I was the one who had the privilege to teach her to read.
 *As both girls embraced tennis camp this summer, just a week after we moved in, I pondered the differences in the ways they approached making friends---Jewel knew everyone's name but nothing about them; Flower concentrated more on one person.
*As they find their places in Sunday School, I treasure the insights their teachers give me into their personalities outside my presence.
*As Jewel struggles with what it means to follow Christ and encounters that tug-of-war between sin nature and desire to follow I ponder what future God is preparing for her.
*As Flower chatters about the missionary stories that they read with their Daddy, I store up the treasure that these little girls are learning that God leads people and they are learning that in the presence of their father who is teaching them that they are adored.

You see, I thought when I chose the words Ponder and Treasure I was choosing something to help me focus my year. But there is a bigger picture. I am learning that those words need to be the focus of my parenting. I need to treasure my children--wrapping up those moments of joy, of insight and even of difficulty and holding onto them. I need to allow those things that I treasure to penetrate and sit well in my spirit. They then will be the things that motivate and encourage me as a parent. If I don't take the time to ponder the questions they are asking or the experiences they are having, I may very well miss the very thing that God wishes to use to shape them into the adults of the future.

Pondering and treasuring have become a huge part of my evaluation of my parenting. And that would have made them perfect focus words for 2011. But, God had more in store when he chose those words for me at the beginning of the year. And we had no idea!

The true irony is that in January I would have told you I was storing up treasures of our new life this year. But I thought that was only a life in a new place. I never dreamed it would also mean a new life--one that as I sit here and type these words is emphatically kicking to remind me that he/she is most definitely here. Just like Mary, we are storing treasure of the new life that God has given to our family and who will make his/her appearance in a few more weeks!

We have taken time to treasure the blessings that God has given us. Often I have thought about blogging something that happened, but instead felt the need to choose a path of private treasuring for the time. And it has been good for our family. I have treasured watching the girls telling others they are going to be big sisters. I've smiled as they have related how they have prayed "forever" for a baby brother, and quietly helped them ponder the reality it might be a baby sister. We've treasured the joy and excitement of others as they have celebrated with us. Now, as we enter the final few weeks I am beginning to ponder the changes that will come. How do we help them transition to their new roles? What will the new dynamics of relationships be like? Will we still travel with a newborn and do I remember how to do that?

I'm not sure what all the answers are.

But I know that we will be treasuring the changes as we ponder the newness.

What have your children done this week that you are treasuring? It doesn't matter how young or old they are, don't forget to treasure them!

Join the other amazing ladies that write for Marriage Monday at Chrysaliscafe.com today!

Marriage Monday--Beauty in the Home

It's Marriage Monday! No, you haven't gone into a time warp and we have not fast forwarded to April. Instead, MM is becoming bimonthly. I'm looking forward to having more prompts to write about one of my favourite subjects.

The theme this week is open but Chrysalis did suggest we might want to talk around the topic of beauty.  I am currently involved in a cross-stitch project called the Bride's Tree.  It is based on a German tradition that newlyweds need to have twelve specific themed ornaments on their tree to bring certain blessings into the home. The ornaments I have been stitching this month represent "beauty in the home." I find it intriguing that having beauty in the home was considered a blessing. I've been contemplating what that means.




I am pretty sure that it is not talking about having a designer house with all new and perfect things. Where that would be nice, it can also be a burden. But I do think that it calls me to consider what brings 'beauty' into our living space.

German is not terribly concerned with decorating. We have been in this house for six months and I still have very little on the walls--because it is not a priority to hang them. But there are a few items that are important to him that they are displayed, and I make certain that they are lovingly placed in whatever house we are living.  But the beauty in our home is not about decoration.

Beauty in our home is more about a feeling of contentment and familiarity.  We are both, to a greater or lesser extent, packrats. Part of my bringing beauty into the home is to keep the clutter to a manageable level. I also must work at keeping totally clutter free zones where we can relax.  We both love having fresh cut flowers in the house, so part of creating that beauty is to make certain that happens.  When we first moved to Europe, I was told to make flowers a part of the budget. It was that important! I've always been happy to comply.

Beauty in the home should encompass the senses. It is the sights of what one sees as they move through the house. But it is also the smells of fresh flowers or of a favourite meal greeting German as he comes through the door at the end of his workday. It is the sounds of the girls enjoying life. (Just last night when German and I were talking on the phone he commented how joyful it was to hear the girls giggling in the background.)  Creating beauty is a means of creating a comfortable retreat. German works hard and encounters stress all day, part of my role is to ensure that when he comes home he finds a place of refuge not another hotspot.

I do believe that the old German tradition is right. Beauty in the Home is a blessing that should be wished upon newlyweds--and should be cultivated throughout one's marriage.

Please join us at ChrysalisCafe for more wonderful thoughts on marriage. Hope your day is blessed with beauty!

(PS....Happy Birthday German!)

Marriage Monday--Trusting our Spouse

The topic this month for Marriage Monday is trust.

Trust in marriage is a funny thing. I would not say that I am a trusting person. I have a strong innate hesitation that maybe all is not as it appears. I don't know how much of that was taught and how much of that is natural, but I tend to doubt and wade into new situations and friendships slowly.

But I have never been that way with German. I trusted him with secrets almost from our first time alone together. He, too, shared deep parts of himself quickly--back in the days when we were just friends and there was no romance on the horizon. We almost instantly trusted each other. And I truly believe that is God-given.

In our pre-marital counseling our pastor encouraged us that we needed to trust when in the presence of others because our jobs would require us to be alone with opposite gender. We looked at him as if he were crazy, 'why wouldn't we trust in that?' I remember early on talking to a friend about German at his work. The name of a certain female colleague came up multiple times. My friend cautioned me that I 'needed to keep an eye on that relationship' because they were working too closely together. I remember clearly not just thinking but absolutely believing in my deepest places that I had no cause to fear. I trusted him. I still do. And my trust gives him the freedom to do his job and to share his work and colleagues with me. Because I trust him he talks about all aspects of his work. In other words, he can trust me.

When after a few months of marriage he announced that we needed to accept a transfer and move across country, I trusted that it was not only right for his career but it was right for us. When the next move was across the Atlantic, I never hesitated because I knew he had our best interest at heart. As we contemplate what will happen next any hesitation I have is not about distrust. I sometimes grieve what the choices mean in terms of what we lose, but I trust that the benefits of what we gain will always be better. I trust my husband's heart when it comes to taking care of our family.

I know plenty of people who have never developed that level of trust. Circumstances or past experience have caused them to doubt. They have never felt the abandonment of worry that I feel with German. I am sorry for them. I am sorry that they face their relationship with an edge of caution. I am thankful that from the beginning God granted me the grace of trust. I'm thankful that he granted German the grace of trust. And together we feel a firm foundation to build decisions upon. Given past experiences, that was a miracle for both of us. We don't take it for granted, and we are grateful.

Did trust come naturally to your relationship? If not, how did you develop it? If you aren't sure at all about how to have trust in your marriage, visit around the Marriage Monday community this week. I'm sure you will find many godly pointers of how to create trust in your marriage. God bless you.

Marriage Monday--First Love

There is a wonderful community of ladies that meet every month at the home of e-Mom (Chrysalis) and discuss the topic of marriage.  Sometimes poignant, often funny and always wise, these ladies stretch me and encourage me. This month instead of focusing on marriage, we have been asked to share our story of how we met our "First Love" as a way of encouraging one another as well as getting to know each other better.  I am so looking forward to reading their stories. I hope  you will visit some of the sites as well and get to know this amazing group of women (and maybe even join in the fun!).

My story of my path to faith is not very exciting, but I am thankful for that.  I was blessed with parents who were very involved in the church. I started attending at a few weeks old and just never stopped. My earliest memories are in the church preschool department learning about God through playdough theology and felt board stories. "Miss Rose" and "Aunt Josie" gave me a strong foundation of a loving God.  During Vacation Bible School on my seventh birthday I "walked down the aisle" and said I wanted to be baptised. A few days before I had sat in my bedroom with Mom and Dad, prayed and said the same thing. As much as I was able to understand at age seven, I knew that I was not doing all that God wanted me to do and I knew that I wanted to go to heaven and that Jesus was the bridge between those two realities.

Later, in Junior High at church camp, I would be faced with more decisions about whether Jesus was just my Saviour or also my Lord. I was realising that there was more to faith than just a quick prayer to get me to heaven. Over the next few years that relationship of Jesus as Lord would deepen. By the time I went to University, those roots were deep. In University I was involved with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship leading small groups and going to Urbana. I was more and more drawn to full-time ministry, even though little girls raised Southern Baptist knew that full-time ministry was off limits to them. But apparently it was not off limits to God. By the end of my senior year, I was sure my Math degree would not be used as I originally thought. Instead, it was the catalyst to get into a Church Social Work program in seminary and to train.

I am grateful that my parents were faithful believers and church attenders. They introduced me to my first love early in my life. And He quickly became just that. I know that I have been protected from so many hurts and stumbling blocks along the way because of that early introduction and acceptance. Although I may not have a dramatic conversion experience, I am forever changed by a God who met me as a little girl who wanted to go to heaven and grew the relationship to the woman I am today. I pray that I am able to shepherd my own little girls to have such a relationship as well.

Marriage Monday--Joy for Two at Christmas

It is Marriage Monday again! This month we are focusing on keeping joy and celebration as a couple in the midst of the busy season. I have chosen the topic

12 Gifts (German) Loves that Don't Cost Extra Money

1. Unquestioning support
2. Hugs & Kisses
3. Respect and praise in front of my friends
4. Looking my best (especially at his company functions)
5. Doing the shopping without insisting on him going with me
6. Favourite meals scattered through the holidays
7. Chocolate Chip Treasure cookies (with a plate set aside just for him)
8. An uncluttered house
9. Time to listen
10. An extra game of pool after the kids have gone to bed
11. Quiet time of just being in the same space together
12. My initiative (ahem)

What no-extra-cost gifts can you give this year?

Join the fun today at Chrysalis to see what others are saying about Joy for Two in the Holidays.

Just an added note that Marriage Monday is taking a break in January and will return the first Monday of February.

Marriage Monday--Financial Contentment in Marriage

German and I are a good balance of one another in terms of finances in our marriage. Neither of us are huge indiscriminant spenders--both having encountered getting into financial trouble before our marriage and having worked hard together to get out of it. So, I came to this month's four topics a little perplexed as to what to write. I've settled on speaking of

Our Christmas Spending Plan

which is simply Spend more Time than Money.

We both feel that Christmas gets way too commercialized and we decided early on that we did not want to focus on spending. Instead the girls each get three small gifts to open (a la the magi) and one of those gifts is always clothes. They also get a small gift of pj's to open on Christmas eve and a Father Christmas gift. For extended family and friends we send a family gift of either gift certificates to go out and spend time as a family or a family game they can enjoy together. My niece and nephew each get a gift.

We always say that we don't exchange gifts with each other--but somehow something small always finds its way under the tree. I can usually count on the latest celebrity cookbook, he can count on a new set of cufflinks. Small things we love but do not cost us much.

We always splurge on Pantomine tickets as a family. We have found that time laughing together to be some of our best memories.

The focus of the holiday however is time spent together. Time spent playing games or riding bikes or going for walks. Time spent going to the carol service and Christmas morning services at church. Time in the car looking for Christmas lights. Just time being. We have found that we do not have to break the bank in order to bank a ton of memories. And that keeps us content.

Join us at Chrysalis' home to follow the links to other great advice and stories about Financial Contentment in marriage.

Marriage Monday--A Cord of Three Strands

Friday night I received a text, "Thank you for letting me come to Ryder Cup." I smiled as I texted "enjoy it for both of us."
Saturday the tables turned as I texted, "The show was awesome. Thanks." When he responded "it makes me happy when you are happy" I knew he meant it.
Our lives our intertwined, we are able to let each other do their own thing because joy brought to one is joy shared.

A major decision loomed. His boss said, "if you need time to talk to your wife..." but he answered, "we've discussed this type of thing many times. I know what our answer is."
I'm reviewing a curriculum choice. I am not sure whether it is right for us. I hear his voice in my head affirming my hesitation. I make the changes needed.
We discuss life goals and principles all the time. Our thoughts are so interlaced that we can make decisions independently knowing that they are united.

Our new church has small groups in the evening, after children's bedtimes. Most couples have one go and one stay home with the children. We are struggling with that. As German told one of the elders, "I don't enjoy worship with half of me not there." We are looking for a solution.

"I don't enjoy ____ with half of me not there." That is the gist of our lives together. When God joined us together, and joined with us to form this marriage, we stopped being individual strands. We are ONE cord, all joined together. I can't separate home life and church life and school life--it is one life. He can't separate family life and work life and church life--it is one life. We don't separate his life and her life--it is our life, joined together mysteriously and irreversibly. And I would not have it any other way.

Join others in the discussion of sacredness in marriage at Chrysalis.

Marriage Monday--Why Homeschooling Works for Us

This month Marriage Monday (today on a Tuesday) asks us to consider how kids change the dynamics of marriage. There are four choices of topics to choose from, and I have chosen to discuss:

Public, Private, or Homeschool? Why our Decision Works for Us

We actually made the decision to homeschool long before we had children, and it was largely a reaction to some bad school experiences friends were having with their children.

Then we moved to England, to an area that was overflowing with good schools. Then we had children. And in spite of the abundance of education opportunities around us, we still chose to homeschool. Why? Because it is the only thing that really works for our family and lifestyle.

German works long hours. Often he does not get home until after eight. If the girls were in a school setting, they would never have a meal with him during the week. I would have to feed them and get them to bed so that they could be up and ready for school the next morning. As it is, we can have a late bedtime and sleep late and still get all of school accomplished.

Likewise, German often travels with work. I love being able to say "You're going to London? We'll come to" and throw a few books into a bag and off we go. I do not have to convince a teacher somewhere that they are getting as much out of traveling with their daddy and seeing new things as they would in a classroom. We study a painting that is housed in London, we go see the painting. We talk about how castles are constructed, we go see the castle. Studying Ancient Egypt, let's go to the British Museum. All of these things have been experienced whilst daddy was in meetings at work. The advantages of seeing things first-hand is immense. But more important is the opportunity to share that time with their dad and not have so many gaps of time when he is away from home.

Our most important reason for homeschooling here has been that we know with the nature of German's job he will move fairly frequently. It was totally unusual for us to be in the same place for so long. Home education means that the girls' education will remain consistent no matter where in the world we end up. I cannot promise them consistency in house, friends, church or much of anything else. Consistency of education I can offer.

So I do. And that is why it works for us. Our chosen lifestyle, chosen before we married and graciously given to us by God, does not lend itself to being tied to a brick-and-mortar school schedule. We are thankful that God affords us the opportunity to teach the girls in such a way that we can live our life to the fullest and live it together.

Visit E-Mom at chrysaliscom.blogspot.com for more insights on children and marriage.

Marriage Monday--Romantic Foods

Welcome to Marriage Monday! This month it is all about romantic food--picnics, favourites and flops. My plan had been to interview German about his favourites this weekend, but an unplanned day at the deer park and an evening (and late night) of vacation planning means the interview was forgotten. So instead, I'll use E-Mom's questions and give what I'm pretty sure would be his answers. (I'll check with him later to see how well I did.)

1. Would you name three dinner entrees that you really enjoyed lately?

Based on the reactions I know that two of them would be Chicken Cordon Bleu and Lasagna. The leg of lamb also went over well for a first try.

Cordon Bleu always takes us back to our first romantic dinner that I cooked when I asked him what his favourite meal was and this is what he said. I had never heard of it, much less cooked it. But with the help of a friend I found a recipe and endeavored to create it--and it worked! Lasagna is a family favourite but since we limit carb intake it is a rare treat.

I'll add that if I was answering this question, the BBQ pork steaks that German cooked last night were absolutely to die for!

2. In your opinion, which ones flopped?

The courgette casserole. That would be his definitive answer, and I would definitely agree.

There have been some spectacular flops in our past--homemade rolls that were anything but soft, gravies that never thickened, cakes that looked more like pancakes, mashed potatoes that turned to soup before getting to the mashing stage. Especially when we first moved to England and I was learning different ingredients with new measurements and new ovens the disasters abounded. But we usually manage to laugh our way through them.

3. Which foods would you like more of?

German always answers "what do you want me to cook this week" with the answer "filet mignon." Which is impossible since we do not eat beef here. Grass-fed beef just does not taste the same as corn-fed beef. So I know what he misses is a lot of our beef dishes from the States. He would love it if I could get tuna steaks to grill, but they are not in abundance here in the Midlands. He often requests salmon which I am happy to oblige. Salmon is another one of our "romantic" dinner foods as we both learned to like salmon whilst we lived in Spokane. But what German consistently wants more of is the "comfort foods" like fish pie, chicken pot pie, kielbasa in mac n' cheese and tuna casserole. Those are the foods he calls "home foods."

4. What would you like to see banished from our menu?

Liver and onions. But to be honest I never cook it when he is home. He just likes to tease about it. I don't know how he would honestly answer this question.

5. Secretly, what dessert have you really been craving?

Not so secretly, creme brulee. I suspect lemon meringue pie or pecan pie might be a secret craving. Maybe I need to do some baking.

There you have it, a few of the foods that make memories in our house.  You can visit E-Mom to learn what foods make memories in her house and follow the links to the others.  Hmmm...now I'm getting hungry.

Marriage Monday--Blessing my Parents

When I read the topic for the month--Blessing our Parents--I have to admit, I was a little stumped. Distance often makes it difficult for me to feel like I am giving a blessing to my wonderful dad and his incredible wife. (Blessing my mother before her death was even more difficult but for other reasons entirely!)

But I do think that it is a fair question. How can we bless our parents in our marriage?

I know how to bless them with my children, their grandchildren. I foster a relationship even across the distance. I give them updates. I tell my children stories of their grandparents. We draw cards and pictures and mail them across the sea. We celebrate the times we are together. Blessing the grandparent is easy.

But blessing the parent?

I am fortunate that I have a Dad who has always been honest with me and my brother about marriage. He never pretended that it was easy. And, we saw him strive to do what was best for the family. The time came when there was little more that he could do and my parents marriage eventually ended. But even in that time he was honest in his part of the blame and in allowing us kids to become our own persons separate from the marriage breakdown (I was 22 and my brother was 21). I get the feeling that my step-mom lived her first married life in front of her kids much the same way. She acknowledged that marriage was hard, and did the best she could. And now, they have a remarkable marriage together! In fact, this week they celebrate their fourth anniversary.

I think that one way I bless them is that I have an honest marriage. By honest I mean one that has ups and downs (thankfully more ups than downs), that perseveres and that acknowledges the effort marriage requires. That kind of marriage honours them because it is the kind of marriage that they have! As children, we try to take the best of what we saw in marriage and incorporate that into our own. I believe, in some small way that blesses our parents--when they see us move forward with the building blocks they have given us.

German and I were discussing last night some of the "best" we have taken from our parents marriages--for him the love to travel and spend time as a family and of taking care of one's own family, for me the importance of tithing, family vacations and extended family relationships.  We laughed about the fact that we don't do any of those things exactly like our parents--but we have taken the principles taught and made them our own in a way that works for us.  In some small way, that is honouring the ones who went before us and taught us. (at least we hope it is)

Today, however, I want to indulge a little further in an attempt to bless my step-mom. Step-mothers get a bad rap in our culture and I find it so opposite my experience. Dix is the absolute best! When Mom died in February, I never once felt that I had to keep at bay the emotions. She made it clear that her home was our home. When family sat around the table and told stories of the past she stayed and was part of it. When my Dad needed time to grieve his first wife, she gave it. When my kids needed a place to be that was away from the emotion, she happily took off work and kept them. Dix made it possible to get through that week (and the following trip of cleaning out memories) without guilt and struggle. Graciousness exudes from her, and it made those weeks easier.  So I just want to take a moment to very publically say THANK YOU! Thank you for accepting this motley crew as your own and thank you for the refuge your home provides and thank you for loving my Dad.

Ultimately, isn't that the way we bless anyone? Just to love them, and let them love us in return.

Happy Anniversary Dad and Dix!!!

(and I can't wait to see you..just a few more weeks)

Marriage Monday--Honeymoon Memories

Early in our dating days, German told me that he wanted to live and work overseas and if that wasn't a life I wanted, we might not want to pursue the relationship. I was all for traveling and living overseas, so no problem! The little catch was...except for a visit to Juarez Mexico and across the border of Canada (just to say we had been), I had never been out of the US. A couple of months before he proposed, German *suggested* I might want to get a passport. *big smile*

He took me to Germany for our honeymoon! It was to a place that he loved, and a place that we now love together. We stayed in a lovely gastehaus and awoke every morning to gaze at the Zugspitz, the highest Alp in Germany.




We explored fairy tale castles and gold-gilded churches and enjoyed amazing food. That was the first week.



Then...we drove to PARIS! *squeal*
We only had two days so we concentrated on seeing Notre Dame (my choice), Arche d' Triumph (his choice) and the Eiffel Tower (our choice). I loved Paris. My two endearing memories: the Metro was on strike so we had to drive in Paris *shudder* but we survived and an absolute amazing meal at a restaurant recommended by the hotel concierge where I turned out to be the only female in the very packed place. We still laugh today about the location of our most romantic meal! I had forgotten until getting out the pictures that they were cleaning Notre Dame and it was covered in scaffolding--so no good pictures.





We drove back to Germany and stayed one night with German's Air Force friends who were stationed there. They took us to Trier where I discovered Weihnachtsmarkt(Christmas Markets!)

Then a night in Frankfurt with another AF friend who was working there (and another Weihnactsmarkt)

and then back home to reality, Christmas shopping and celebrating.

We returned to the same Gastehaus after we moved to Europe, again just after Jewel was born and then again when Flower was two. It's been three years since we were there (almost fifteen since our first visit), I'm thinking that it may be time to go again.

Marriage Monday--Valentines all Year, Just Speak My Language

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Welcome to another Marriage Monday! This month we have been asked to talk about how to celebrate Valentine's Day throughout the year. In other words, what are the things that we see as important in our marriage to keep romance all year and not just on one day.

There are so many ways that we live out our love in our everyday lives. It often changes daily based on the needs of the day. There does seem to be a common thread through the ways that love is celebrated in our marriage--it is in attempting to speak a language that the other hears as love. As I've said before, German and I are literal opposites in so many ways. Our love languages (see Gary Chapman's book of the same name for more insight) are a clear demonstration of this. His love languages are acts of service and physical touch; mine are words of affirmation and quality time. It would be so easy for us to go days upon end and not feel the love or romance of the other if we were not cognizant of how love is being spoken. I have to "hear" him when he is speaking his natural language as well as try to speak his natural language. He needs to hear me in my native language in addition to trying to speak my language. The days we are aware of how the other needs to hear love are definitely the days that we speak romance in our home the best.

And we need to plan for that. A funny example was seen just this weekend. Every week German asks me to put together a list of what needs to be done on the weekend. He needs to speak "service" and he wants those acts of service to actually bless me rather than just take "time" away from me. Honestly, I never ask for more than one thing to be accomplished because I want to just "be" with him in the time we have. But this weekend I had informed him that he could speak his native language and help me clean up the wreck of an office. We awoke Saturday morning and he said "what am I doing today?" and I reminded him and he said "but we haven't gone for a drive lately." I quickly said okay and we set off---to go to Edinburgh, three hours away. We had a delightful day. And I felt better Sunday than I have in ages because I had received his love in my language---time. He had sensed that I was needing to hear love in my own way more than he needed to speak it in his way. The result was a perfect day. (And if I'm industrious this week I'll get the office cleaned up myself in an act of service for him--speaking his language.)

So, in our house, recognizing what love language needs to be spoken/heard and following through with actions that speak love is how we keep Valentine's throughout the year.

Do you know your love language? Do you know your spouse's love language? Feeling like you don't connect the way you want or that you are not loved the way you want to be? Maybe it is time for some foreign language lessons. I highly recommend Chapman's book to help you speak and receive love in the language needed.

Please visit the Marriage Monday writers at Chrysalis. You will certainly find things to bless you and challenge you.

Marriage Monday--Men and Christmas

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This month, Marriage Monday prompted us to interview our husbands regarding their views of Christmas.  German obliged with answering the five questions.  I used four of the questions E-Mom posed to E-Dad but I changed question number four since German loves Christmas and is never "not into" the holiday ever.  So, without further adieu, here is my interview with German.

How would you describe your ideal Christmas? (we determined that this meant ideal Christmas season not just one day)
There would be plenty of time off or days with less pressure at work to get more into the mood of Christmas.  Second, there would be lots of time with family--just the four of us and with extended family too.  Third, we would be able to go out and do things like seasonal activities, movies, just walking and talking.  Really, the ideal is just being able to enjoy the whole thing and it not be a chore.

How do you think our expectations differ at Christmas?
I don't have any sense that they do.  We experience opening presents differently, but that is because of how we were brought up--and we expect the other to be different.

What are your thoughts on exchanging gifts?
I hope that this isn't read by lots of people who see all of Christmas gifts as evil! (I assured him it wasn't!)  I don't see anything wrong with giving gifts as long as the focus on the reason for the season is not lost.  Christmas is about showing love and thanks to family and that is why we exchange gifts.  If it happens to coincide with a season that the world likes to do it as well, that is great.

How does the fact that you grew up in a household with a totally secular Christmas impact how you do Christmas now?
Looking back there was no love in how we did Christmas, and there was definitely no mention of Jesus.  So I don't look back fondly at those non-Christian Christmases.  In fact, I can only remember one gift I ever received growing up and have no real Christmas memories.  We never had a real tree because it was messy.  [Christmas ended up being a hassle.]  Now that I know the reason for the season I look forward to Christmas because it is not just [hassle] but it is focusing on Jesus. 
NB:  This discussion continued for quite some time of  how to keep the focus on Jesus but also allow our girls to look back with fond memories when they are adults.

How do you focus on the deeper meaning of Christ's birth?
Christmas is a reminder that Jesus was born to save us because we are sinners.  It is good to have that reminder each year.

There you have it, a slice of Christmas thoughts from German's perspective.  If you would like to see what the other husbands are saying about Christmas, please join us at E-Mom's place.

Marriage Monday--Love Letters

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Dear German~
Fourteen years ago we were headed over to Seattle to get dried flowers at Pike's Market to put together our wedding arrangements. Who would have ever dreamed the miles we would cover together in the coming fourteen years?

We are not the same people we were on that trip so many years ago. We are so far past those people I sometimes have to really strive to remember who we were. Then I realize, I don't need to remember who we were, because who we are is soooo much better.

These past few months have been a struggle emotionally for our family. We have found ourselves time and time again surprised by the source and the ferocity of the attacks that have come at our family. It would have been easy to throw our hands in the air and give up in the face of the adversity. There were times that the tempation to trade the road of integrity for a little bit of calm has been very enticing. Yet you have stood firm in it all and never wavered in how you were determined to lead our family and speak against that which was deceptive. I have never felt more loved or more protected than I did on 26 Feb and the days that have followed. You have been a rock of stability in a very wearying storm.

When you wrote your friend this week that our marriage was the strongest it has ever been because of these struggles you brought tears to my eyes. Tears because that is something I have felt for a long time, but did not dare say aloud. But also because you followed that up by reaffirming that there is no one you would have wanted to walk this path with except me. I echo that sentiment. No, the last eight months have not been fun in terms of the things that have happened. But you have made them not only bearable, but a time of flourishing. The time and effort you have given to get us through this has allowed me to grow without fear. And, when I see Jewel and Flower growing in confidence and faith each day I know that is because you have sheltered them. I know that you have taken the brunt of the storm and I won't ever know how deeply that has been felt. But I thank you for doing that. I love you as you have cared for us. And I am proud of you that you have stood on principles and integrity instead of taking an easier path.

Thank you for sacrificing to lead our family. I cannot wait to see what God is carving out of this situation. One thing I'm sure of, fourteen years from now we will look back and be able to say we aren't the same people we are now...we'll be even better and stronger as long as we are serving and loving together.

I love you........
MiPa

We have been challenged to write love letters to our beloveds this month for Marriage Monday. What a blessing to be able to declare reasons why we love our spouses publically. If you would like to read more, visit Chrysalis and follow the links. I challenge you to write a love letter to your beloved as well. Have a blessed day!

Marriage Monday--Extreme Makeover

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Extreme Makeover: How God Renewed Our Marriage Against All the Odds

I have to admit when I read this month's topic, I almost opted out of writing. We have been blessed by not having any huge, against all odds, type of issues for our marriage to survive. We've been healthy, employed, mostly content and faithful. We've endured the separations during moves, which at the time seemed unsurmountable but were quickly surmounted. I didn't really think that I had anything to add to this discussion. Actually, not being able to add much first-hand information to this discussion is something for which I am thanking God--for that is His testimony in our almost fourteen year marriage.

But then my thoughts turned to the fact that any marriage surviving is actually "against all odds" and it takes God's constant renewing of the marriage to make that happen. Our society is not exactly balancing the odds for marriage. We see the decline of marriages all around us. Even in the church, the divorce rate mirrors that outside the church, so the odds seem to be stacked against married couples. It is really not surprising. If you take one sinful, selfish being (which we all are) and couple that being with another sinful selfish being you do not magically get a couple who agree on everything. Instead you get two selfish beings trying to make things work their way. We are all like that. So what do you do? I believe the only thing we can do is trust God to be the lead of joining those two people into one--and a desire to follow his word makes that possible. I know that there are decisions that would never happen around here if we didn't depend on God's leading to make the decision. We are just too different from each other, but we have a common trust and desire to follow God. But that desire and trust alone may not be enough. We must be pro-active in protecting our marriages. In addition to our attempts to have God the head of our marriage, we have also undertaken plenty of mini-makeovers that have helped prevent us from needing an Extreme Makeover.

Early in our marriage we had a dear couple who were unafraid to give us marriage advice. We listened since they had been married nearly fifty years--we figured they knew something about that which they spoke. They were honest about struggles, about putting family first, about keeping God at the center of everything you do as a couple and even about keeping things *ahem* active even when you are nearing 70. I look back on those talks now and see them as doing some foundational work in our lives to prepare us for the realities of marriage.


I credit our ability to get away and dream together as mini-makeovers that keep our marriage fresh. A road trip is like a fresh coat of paint in a dull room. We are able to refresh our outlook of our marriage with a fresh coat of dreams, plans and just quiet time together. The longer vacations allow for that even more. We are about to go on a holiday where the main thing on the agenda is "lay by the pool and chat" followed by "lay under the pergola when it is too hot to be by the pool, and chat." I cannot tell you how ready I am for some uninterrupted-by-the-cares-of-home-and-work time with German. I know he feels the same. We should come back from our mini-makeover refreshed and ready for the new challenges that lie ahead.

A more extensive makeover that we undertook a few years ago was to read and discuss and implement Dr. Emerson Eggerichs book "Love and Respect." That book helped us to realize that there were areas we just were not communicating what we wanted clearly. Even last week we referred back to the book and how our cycles of conflict were not even annual anymore, but were almost non-existent. I believe that that book read at a time in our life when our marriage was *good* (i.e. we weren't trying to fix something really broken) helped to get our marriage to a *great* level. It was preventative maintenance that kept the disasters away. I love this book so much I often give it to engaged couples telling them that if they read it now, they might not have the arguments that seem to be universal. I pray that a little preventative maintenance helps them not have any need for extreme makeovers.

So while I cannot testify to God's renewing my marriage in an Extreme way, I am ever-so-grateful that He constantly renews me and renews German and in that way renews our marriage. I am grateful for the preventative, decorative and minor redecorating we are able to do which prevents big problems from occurring. God's love and presence in our marriage is contantly making it over to be something even better than it is.

Do you need some encouragement in your marriage? Needing a mini-makeover? Or maybe you need an extreme overhaul? Visit Chrysalis and follow the trail of others who are sharing their marriage makeover tips as well. Have a blessed day!

Marriage Monday--Girl Talk about Love

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The Marriage Monday theme this month is Girl Talk: Talking to our daughters about love.

I've found this timely this week. Saturday night, German and I had a very rare date night planned. We have not been able due to scheduling commitments and baby sitting issues to have regular "dates" and when we have gone out, we have not necessarily called them dates. Jewel has been fascinated as Mommy and Daddy planned for their date night. She has asked what a date is and why you still need dates once you are married. I've answered as much as I can for a seven year old to understand. She finally summed it all up the other night by saying "so you are a better mommy and daddy when you have time to talk together." I actually think that is a pretty good summation.

That is one of the first things I hope that I communicate about loving your spouse--it takes time and work to keep it strong. We can have a good marriage within the busyness of life. However, with some effort to have alone time to talk, dream, or even vent we can take the good and make it great. I want them to understand that no relationship just happens--we must invest in the other person to grow the relationship.

Furthermore, I want them to hear from me, and see in our marriage, that love is about choosing what is best for the other person even when we don't feel the right "emotion." I want them to see it in the way their daddy and I meet each other's needs. But I also want them to hear it. We all have days that we find it hard to "feel" loving. When that happens, I want us to be honest about how hard it is to choose to love. There are times when we have had a hard day of boundary pushing that as I put Jewel to bed she will apologize for behavior and she will often ask "do you still love me?" I always make a point to not only accept the apology (and apologize when necessary) but to also remind her that no matter the behavior I will always choose to love her and that we will start over on the behavior the next day. Mirroring how to choose to love begins those life-long lessons.

Communicating about love from God's perspective instead of the world's perspective is challenging. I am fully aware that some of this is learned from the Bible verses that we are learning, but more is learned from watching their daddy and me. I can teach them that "Love is patient" all day but if I am always impatient with them or with German, they will have learned the wrong lesson. They will learn more about forgiveness and loyalty and steadfastness from watching us than from lectures from us. I pray that the lessons that they are seeing match the things I tell them.

Today they are four and seven, so "girl talk" around our house is quite general. My main goal at this time is to provide an atmosphere that is right for the talk to come naturally. If I lay this foundation firmly, then the talks of the future should be natural as well.

Just in closing, because sometimes it is easier to see what we don't want instead of what we do, I want to comment on what not to have part of my "girl talk" with my daughters. As I look back, I recall no time that my mom talked with me about falling in love with my dad, planning her wedding (there is one anecdote I know of their wedding day), dreaming for the future with my dad or anything of that sort. Instead, I heard all the things that made her unhappy both in life and in marriage. I always knew that she was disappointed with how things were. Although I recall conversations of the the "mechanics" of growing up there were none of the emotional aspects of being with someone else. That is not the memory I want my girls to recall. I want them to recall their dad and I reliving our dating days, our wedding, and the things we loved about those giddy times. I want them to see us sitting and dreaming of our future. I want them to see us holding hands and kissing and blushing from things that are whispered in ears. I want them to see love between us as well as us talk about it. That is why last week was so much fun--even before the date--because I was able to answer the questions of "why date?" which were followed by "what other dates have you done?" I told them about eagle watching with their daddy. They have heard about the hot air balloon ride, and now it can be put in the context of dating and falling in love. Their interest in our relationship provided natural opportunities to talk. And natural talk is the best kind of girl talk.

Please join the Marriage Monday group over at Chrysalis. You are sure to be blessed. I'm, personally, hoping to glean from those whose daughters are older some ideas for future girl talks around here. Now, I'm off to enjoy my holiday Monday (we have ours a week before you guys in the States). Have a lovely day!