Seeking Harmony

I began 2015 by choosing the theme word ‘Harmony.’ It was to be a reminder that, even when waiting for the things where I have prayed and hoped for God to move, that my life needs to be in harmony with his call. Only then does it play out as beautiful music and not cacophonous noise.

Over the last few weeks our church has begun a study of the early church in Acts. Combining those lessons with the lessons of my small group over the summer as we looked at ‘Respectable Sins,’ I have been reminded of the utmost importance of keeping our inner belief system and our outer actions in harmony. What we do is, truly, more important than what we say.

“For each tree is known by its own fruit. For figs are not gathered from thorn bushes, nor are grapes picked from a bramble bush.  The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks."   Luke 6:44-46

I would love to sit here and type that what my heart says it believes is always in harmony with the actions that follow. But, I would be lying. I can say that I serve a God of immense patience (Ex 34:6) and who has saved me from an impatient spirit. Yet, I still find myself losing it with the pre-schooler who needs to be told twelve times to put on his shoes. I can truly believe that beauty comes from an understanding of my place as God’s creation, and still attempt to use charm to get my way (Prov 31:30). I can voice a demand for justice for the poor, and walk passed the beggar on the street without even seeing him. My inner compass says that everyone needs to hear the gospel, but my outer actions do not always tell even my closest friends. Harmony? Not so much.

My grandfather would define integrity as “action and words being lined up.” So in many ways, integrity equals harmony. I am so grateful that God is using the sermons and Bible lessons in my life to draw me more in line. The more we seek to live in harmony with God, the more we will see where we miss the mark. That is one of the characteristics of discipleship—it continues to show us where we fall short. I’m thankful for the reminders. It illumines the path to make it easier to find my way. Maybe, today, you needed the reminder as well.

Father thank you when you show me where I fall short of living in harmony with you. Help me to always be willing to hear your conviction and adjust my life to be in harmony with yours. Amen.

Serving with Babes In Arms

He was the 'duty manager' for the day at church. That meant that he was leading the morning team, making certain people were in place to keep things running smoothly, and being the overall go-to person for the morning. He is not one of the paid ministry team, he's a volunteer who is willing to accept the responsibility on his Sunday on duty to help the ministers of the church not be bombarded by the myriad of things that can happen on a Sunday morning.


But, he is also a father. And on this Sunday morning, his ten month-old daughter decided that she, too, needed Daddy to be on duty in  her life. She wanted him. And he found himself in a place that parents often find themselves--trying to balance family and work and ministry and keep it all in perspective.


So, what did he do?  Without hesitation, he took his daughter in his arms and he led the newcomers down the aisle to open seats. He did both. He was her Daddy first and was happy to have her. But he never missed a beat in doing his duties as well. (And for her part, she was adorable pointing her chubby arms to the seats and smiling widely that she was in Daddy's arms.)


And in that simple act of just doing what needed to be done, I was encouraged. So often I can be flustered, thinking I have to sacrifice one for the other or do neither very well when family and ministry commitments collide. But sometimes the answer is not sacrifice, but combination. In our small group, we meet two weekends a month, in addition to mid-week Bible Study. It is a more relaxed time of fellowship and study that allows the whole family to attend. One of my main objectives, however, is not about the ministry I lead, it is about my family. I want my children to not only see me serve, but be able to serve alongside. When we are preparing the meal we serve together. The girls often plan a skit or activity for the younger children to be involved during Bible Study. They are learning to serve. Often I am asked if it bothers me to 'give up' Sundays for house group. The answer is 'no.' I'm not giving up family time--I'm serving with my family. I'm finding a way for combination not separation.


It is encouraging to me that I worship and serve within a church setting that encourages families to be family first and to serve together. That picture of that beautiful little girl in her Daddy's arms whilst he served the church will stay with me for a long time. I know she will grow up seeing her family serve. I pray that I give the same example to my children.


Thank you Father that you allow us to keep in harmony our family life and our ministry life--that it is the life that you have called us to live. Thank you for opportunities to teach my children to serve and for those amazing times when we serve side-by-side. Thank you that my family gives me the freedom to pursue my gifts and thank you that I can give them the same freedom. As you teach me more and more about living in balance and harmony, thank you for the picture of this father serving with his infant as a living example of your harmony. Amen.



photo from www.morguefile.com attributed to puravida

Who You Going to Copy?

My grandfather was a man of great integrity. He was the type who could seal deals with a handshake and no one would question his sincerity. He was also a man who had very little good to say about the church. He refused to associate with "those hypocrites" or anything they believed. Even from a young age I would argue that "they" would have to answer for themselves, but that was no reason to abandon the church. There is truth in that. But I've also grown to understand that there is also truth in being careful of whom we associate.  Recently I heard a sermon on the letter of 3 John.  I am not sure I have ever heard a sermon on this passage before. If I have, I must have only half-paid attention. But on that Sunday, it struck chords deep in my soul. Don't imitate the evil of Diotrephes, but be like Demetrius. We must be careful of our associations.

 I wrote to the church, but Diotrephes, who loves to be first, will not welcome us. So when I come, I will call attention to what he is doing, spreading malicious nonsense about us. Not satisfied with that, he even refuses to welcome other believers. He also stops those who want to do so and puts them out of the church.
Dear friend, do not imitate what is evil but what is good. Anyone who does what is good is from God. Anyone who does what is evil has not seen God.  Demetrius is well spoken of by everyone—and even by the truth itself. We also speak well of him, and you know that our testimony is true.   3 John 9-12

There is a person on the outskirts of my life who I have greatly admired for the Biblical knowledge that she has. At times, I have even been a little intimidated by that knowledge. But alongside that admiration and intimidation, I have also felt that inner warning that all is not right. I even know what is not right. There is one (at least one) area of belief that this person holds that is totally outside my understanding and conviction of the Bible's teaching on the church. And, honestly, it is a pretty foundational piece of doctrinal difference. I have tried to overlook that difference, because there is so much that is good in this person's belief and life. Don't hear me wrong, she is not a Diotrephes. She is not malicious in her beliefs and she does not overtly try to exclude others. But she is vocal and it can be divisive. I have tried to justify that "this is just an area to disagree and that we will both be held accountable for our beliefs" whilst at the same time attempting to emulate other parts of her life. But this passage has challenged me. I must be careful about who I copy. And if there is something that I am so glaringly convicted within the actions of a 'heroine' maybe I shouldn't be holding that person up to imitation.


Character and doctrine matter. I often tell the girls to be careful who they choose as friends and role models. Who they are associating with will, in large part, determine choices they make in the future. If it is a good teaching for my girls, it is probably also a good teaching for me. Who am I emulating? Do they lead me to be more like Jesus? Or are they causing a division in my spirit? I need to choose to emulate the Demetriuses of this world and not the Diotrephes.


Dear Father, thank you for the wonderful friends and role models that you have given me to help me along this path of discipleship. Help me to make wise choices in who I copy. Help me to have wise discernment when something in someone's life doesn't feel right for me. And Lord, help me to be a Demetrius for those around me. Convict me if there are things in my life that could lead people away from you. For your glory........Amen

Shredding My Life Away

I'll admit it--I have been a paper hoarder.  I have been loathe to throw away school papers, important papers, sermon notes (okay this is more German's hoarding but the papers are here in my office), things the kids drew, things the kids wrote, etc. etc. etc.  So my goal for the past (2) years has been to GET RID OF THE PAPER.




I started easy. I started with sermon notes.  I scanned the notes into pdfs, categorized them by book of the Bible in to a nice computer file, recycled the paper.  I said I was getting rid of paper not content! Paper gone, I began to breathe a little deeper.  I did not realize how much paper clutter was affecting me.  With the sermon notes came 10 years worth of prayer notices from the church, since often the notes were written on the back. It was sometimes fun, sometimes heart breaking to read those prayer requests and know how the situations ended. Those I shredded, because they are someone's personal details and I didn't feel comfortable just tossing into recycling. Then I recycled the shredded paper.




Next step--college notebooks. Yes, I still had them. I actually still refer to some of them (especially my seminary notebooks) whilst planning home group and home school topics.  So, obviously, I don't want to not have the content. But I also did not want the two boxes taking up any more room in my attic. So, more scanning. More remembering. Now I have neat computer files for each of my math classes, my seminary classes and a couple of other classes that impacted me. I can find material without hauling out a box when I need it. Won't my kids be ecstatic when they get to Calculus that I have access to my Calc I-III tests! Yeah, probably not, but I am thrilled.  Again, volumes recycled. I am breathing better.




This summer I tackled my personal filing cabinet. This was the most difficult. Two drawers full of keep-sakes and work notes and things from my Mom. I tackled keepsakes first by scanning the ticket stubs or programs of concerts and college activities. There is now a computer file for each of the children with scanned copies of their early writing or drawing. I confess, I kept 2-3 for each of them, but recycled the rest. Out of five large keepsake files, I now have one very thin one. Very few things made the cut--a card from my grandmother when I graduated high school, DeForest Kelley (Dr Bones McCoy on Star Trek) autograph, the first poem I submitted for publication, a note from my Great Aunt my first year in college.  That file now makes me smile, not hyperventilate! I have gathered writing that inspires me over the years. I re-read those, scanned the ones that still spoke to me--about half--and recycled the rest.


Then I tackled my work files. I scanned one copy of each of my resumes through the years and shredded the 25 extra copies I had kept. I scanned the my Education certificates from social work days as a record of classes taken and shredded the evidence.


That is when I hit the next file--the rejection file. Every rejection letter ever received during a very difficult job hunt nineteen years ago. I kept the letters! All of them! For what reason, I cannot tell you. But when I found the file, I had a gut-level, physical reaction of remembering all that rejection and uncertainty. AND, I had an internal debate with myself of whether I should keep them. You read that correctly, I considered keeping them! In the end, sanity won out and that file of rejection letters received its just-due. It was shredded. All of it. And it probably felt better than all the other reams of paper that had been shredded prior or since. It was more than paper. It was something that I had kept around, that in some sense was still defining who I was. Even though I had found the right job after that difficult search, and even though I made some of my very best friends in the jobs that resulted from that search, and even though it was NINETEEN years ago and I had been a successful social worker and was now doing something that I loved. Despite all the facts, I still defined myself, on some level, by the jobs I did not get.




Last night I watched Brene' Brown's amazing TEDtalk on shame. In it she differentiates between shame and guilt. She says that guilt says "I made a mistake" and shame says "I am a mistake." I don't know about you, but I grew up in a shame-based culture. There was very little emphasis on just a behaviour being wrong; the emphasis said that if you exhibited a behaviour it was a sign that you were wrong. And I internalized that for a long time. Keeping a file that says "you are a failure" demonstrates how deeply I had internalized that. But it is not true! I may have applied at places that were wrong for me--or perhaps the mistake is that they couldn't see how great I was for them.  But the missing out on a job was not a failure--and I should not use it to define whether I am useful. Shredding that file was one more step in my saying that I would not be defined by a shame-based past. 




Earlier this week I sorted through the last of the files, deciding what to keep, what to scan and what to shred. It was the file of our past church and the event that led to the shaming incident by the pastor which resulted in our leaving both the leadership and, eventually, that church. It was painful to revisit. I shredded over a hundred pieces of paper that were email conversations that had hurt so much that I had printed them to keep them. But now they are gone. What is left is the objective elements of that incident--the architect reports of what the church could achieve and the minutes of the meetings where it was approved and then denied. I'll keep the objectivity because it helped to define me. In fact, it was probably the first time in my life I could say "I'm sorry that what I did upset you and I apologize for (specific act) but I am not sorry about who I am." I never realised until this week that it was that extremely painful event that taught me the difference between "making a mistake" and "being a mistake" and that the biggest issue was that I refused to accept the shame that everyone wanted me to have (so that they would not have it). Mistakes were made. But I stopped letting them define me. And this week, I stopped holding on to them. I shredded them. All of them. Without regret.




Shredding my life has been life-changing.  On a physical level I have four less boxes of paper that gets moved from place to place. AND I have learned to just go ahead and shred it rather than keep it so I don't end up with more paper accumulating. But, more importantly, on a mental and spiritual level it has been an exercise in letting go of things which hurt me and that I then allowed to define me. I'm slowly shredding the things of my past that want to cover me with shame. It is freeing. May I encourage you, if there are things that you need to let go, please stop defining yourself by the mistakes of the past and trust in the one who forgives it all.

Instead of your shame
    you will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
    you will rejoice in your inheritance.
And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,
    and everlasting joy will be yours.

“For I, the Lord, love justice;
    I hate robbery and wrongdoing.
In my faithfulness I will reward my people
    and make an everlasting covenant with them.

Isaiah 61:7-8

image from www.morguefile.com, attributed to pippalou

Child of a Holy King

 

You may or may not have ever noticed my profile tag line, "Child of a Holy King and therefore a Princess."  That is an idea that I have been intrigued by for years.  If I am the daughter of a King, then my actions should not be common.  That is the admonition behind the words.  I can't say I often act very regally, but I should if I am about my Father's business.

Recently, we heard a sermon at church on just this subject.  The pastor reminded us that we were Children of God--Adopted into His Purpose.  He reminded us that if that is true, that thought should not become familiar to us but should continue to strike us with AWE.  That the God of the universe has chosen us to be His People.

He challenged us to think about what it meant to be a son in Biblical times.  He reminded us that the son usually followed his father's footsteps into occupation and lifestyle.  He said that the son was known by who his father was.

Now, I am very grateful that I am not expected to follow my earthly father's occupational footsteps.  I was never a very good farm girl, even telling my Dad when I was four years old that as soon as I was old enough I was leaving the farm.  But occupation or not, I am my father's daughter.  I laugh like him, I sometimes sound like him, I definitely use his phrases.  He molded and shaped much of the character one sees today.  I follow my Dad's footsteps.

I was challenged as I listened to the sermon of how much do I follow my Heavenly Father's footsteps.  Am I known by His character?  As I seek to harmonize my life with His this year, I pray that my character becomes more and more like his and less like the selfish person I so often can be.  It will take time, spending time with him and his people, learning his words, practicing his ways. But the refining should be noticeable.  I pray it is.

photo credit: morguefile free download

Verse One of Twenty-four

I am joining in with the Siestas at Living Proof Ministry to memorize 24 verses in 2015.  Each person chooses a verse on the 1st and the 15th of the month that they wish to memorize.  It should be something that speaks to the individual and their needs.

I have chosen Colossians 3:14 for my first verse.  It follows my theme of harmony for the year.  I don't usually memorize in the Message paraphrase, but I love the imagery of this verse as depicted.

And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It’s your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it.

A Year of WAITING and BELIEVING in review

I knew upfront that choosing a year's word of "WAIT and BELIEVE" that it was very likely that I would come to the end of the year still "waiting and believing" and have not much to show.  And that, pretty much, sums up the year, with a few bright spots of accomplishing something.

We began the year waiting for a ministry opportunity to come to fruition.  In January we met with a group of mostly-like-minded people who wanted a house group in their geographic area.  By February we were leading it, and it has been a highlight in a year of waiting. We meet to study, find application in the Sunday sermons, eat and fellowship, and pray.  And I have made friends that I probably would not have even met otherwise. So it was good waiting and trusting.

I began the year longing for a more intimate ladies Bible Study.  I still wait for that. But in the interim, Tree and I have been attending a Mum and Toddler group that does Bible Study one week of the month and that has been a tremendous blessing.  Being with other Mums of Toddlers reminds me that the challenges of this age are normal.  I still long to lead a more in depth group. I miss my Ladies study to this day, four years after having moved away.  But God in his wisdom is still saying, "WAIT" so I will continue to wait and believe that someday I will have that again.

There has been other waiting. There was the waiting for our landlord to decide if he did indeed want the house we were renting back for a family member. Then there was the waiting to find an appropriate house that would still allow us to lead house group. There was waiting to move, to settle, to find our balance in a new village.  There was the waiting for a new rhythm as German changed accounts and travel schedules yet again.

I continue to wait and believe that the words that I have bouncing in my head will mean something to someone someday.  Children's needs seem to crowd it out. But I still hear God whisper "Wait...and believe." Last Christmas the sermon that inspired me reminded us that Simeon may have waited for DECADES to see the Messiah, yet he waited and believed. I knew that I would wait longer than a year for some of the desires whispered in my heart to fruit and flower. It doesn't make waiting easier, but it makes it bearable to know that God has a time table. I have to trust it. I can't say I always wait expectantly or patiently. But God knows that my heart is to learn in this process.  So when I might have thrown my hands up in surrender, he inspired Lisa Jo Baker to pen "If This Whole Year has Felt Like Wasted Waiting". It is a wonderful read of how waiting is normal in our Bible heroes and inspires us to continue to wait.  Reminded and bolstered, I continue to wait.

So I come toward 2015 wondering what word to choose. I considered "persevere" or "pursue" or "patient" but too many of those words seemed like me doing the work, not God.  Then, Christmas morning the sermon was about Mary's song and how she sang with confidence in the past tense because she trusted that God would fulfill what He promised.  The pastor referenced Psalm 96:1-2 that each of us must sing a new song.  That is one of my all-time favourite verses (along with Psalm 98!).  The reminder that we each are constantly singing new songs to the Lord for the good things he has done.  My heart was resonating with the message when he said this,

"We can only find rest when we sing in

HARMONY

with the great composer."

I knew that I had found my word.  I know that this year will be more waiting and believing for the things that I know are promised, but may not be imminent. But I don't want that waiting to be fretful or anxiety-filled.  I want it to be trusting-waiting.  I want to find rest in the wait.  Thus I need to keep harmony with God as I wait.

Will you continue to wait with me?  In the interim, may we seek to live our lives in Harmony with God so that we do not become anxious as we seek his timing.  Whether it is days, or decades, I hope to wait and believe until God brings to fruition all his plans for me.  I pray you are able to do the same.

 And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.
Colossians 3:14-15