Re-entry Drama and Humor, post 1

Coming back to the US after so much time away has led to its own set of drama, and often humorous situations.  A couple of times a month I hope to record some of those times.  Mostly this is for our own sense of remembering later, but it also might help someone else who is encountering a "new-old" situation. I'll start with humor.

If you have traveled in Europe you will know that there are no light switches inside bathrooms in Europe (and only shaver plugs, no electric outlets). 

So for sixteen years, I have turned on the light before entering the bathroom.  It is second nature.

Our hall happens to have a light switch for the hall just outside the bathroom door. 

I cannot tell you how many times I have switched on the hall light, walked into the bathroom and wondered why the light was off. At least two or three times a week!  I am not sure I will ever again get used to the idea that I can turn on the light in the bathroom.

Little things that I must re-learn.  And it helps to be able to laugh at myself.  Especially as I stand perplexed in a dark bathroom.

Reflecting on Less

Last January I wrote,

"... I read Falling Free by Shannan Martin about how they had left their life of abundance for a life that was based on much less but gave them so much more (my description here). I was challenged. I was awe-struck. And that little voice that was telling me that I did not care about 'more' got louder. It was not telling me to sell the house and move somewhere else. It was telling me that maybe I could find "more" in my life by dealing with a lot less.

Various things over the last two months have sung this song.  Reminders that stuff is not what makes anyone happy. Sermons reminding of caring for the least of these. A Bible study of Proverbs that warns about accepting wealth and status quo without balancing it with the wisdom of God. By the middle of November I knew what my word for 2017 was to be, and it was daunting. It was........LESS"

It was a daunting word, and I really did not know what would happen during the year.  But I knew that it was a journey I had to start. Some of the dreams I had materialised. Others did not. Major changes happened that highlighted even more my desire for less. I came away changed, but maybe not as materially changed as I had hoped. Internally I am more minimal, and that is determining decisions and actions. It is a slow journey, but one that I will continue for a long time. Some of my dreams were:

"Less accumulation of paper and materials that are not needed."  I did continue to digitilize a lot of paper and then get rid of it. I finished the early homeschool portfolios. I was not in a head space to deal with the last box of my mother's papers, so it still sits in my attic. My high school pictures are gone except for a few that were actually good or special.  We did move this year, and it was a huge move.  I moved less than it would have been two years before, but we still moved a lot of things that I have no reason to keep.  So this is an ongoing battle.
" Less time spent worrying what others think of the life I am called to live". I gave a lot less head space to worrying about this right up until we moved back to the US. So many people have questioned why we do things, or why I don't want to just do things the 'American way' that I've become paranoid and defensive.  I need to get back to trusting God with the life he called me to lead and ignore the pundits.
"Less time doing things that do not build me up." I have read hard things this year that have made me think and grow. I've not read popular books that would not be good for me. I've stopped watching 'must-see' tv that was not healthy for me. And I've stopped apologizing for that. I'm happy with how this goal has proceeded.
"Less voiced negativity and more thankfulness need to be in my daily conversations." In general, I do believe that some of the negativity has curbed. It has been a tough year.  There is much in the world to be negative about--and finding ways to express disagreement without it only being perceived as negativity is tough. This is especially true when many of those around me do not agree with the stance I feel called to take. I am extremely grateful for the things God has done in our lives this year, for the places he has offered us protection and even for the conviction and dismay that accompanies confrontation of long-held prejudices and traditions. But it has been tough. I've said LESS than I would have liked in order to not be negative, and I'm not sure that has been totally healthy. I'll still work on this goal.
"Less half-hearted rituals and more focus on what God is saying." I cannot give examples of this, but I know that this is pruning that God has definitely started and continues in my life.
"Less unhealthy things entering my life. Whether it is junk food or junk TV or toxic people, I want to be more diligent to let in healthy and exclude the unhealthy." I've cut out almost all TV (except DIY or science shows for noise, and even the DIY shows make me get frustrated about topics of gentrification and privilege so they may go) and I have not missed it at all. For most of the year, junk food was cut out---then a move happened. I will get back to this. Recognizing toxic people has happened, but I am not always very good at protecting myself from their influence.  More of this in 2018.
"Less holding on to people." Oh, this has been hard.  Moving from England after sixteen+ years has been heart-wrenching. I miss my old life, my old friends, my old routines.  But God has taught me immense trust in the last three months. I did not have any clue when I wrote this, how much this one would hurt.

My life in 2017 was filled with much MORE than I ever dreamed when I began a journey to LESS. I'm more content. I'm more self-aware and I'm more other-aware. It is a journey I'm not willing to end. It will continue to feed my focus for 2018. But, more on that later.

Coming Full Circle

Those of you who have followed me for a while know that we, as a family, went through a very difficult time as things fell apart at a previous church. It was a defining moment in my life, so I wanted to give you an update of how it ended.

I had come to the point that there were friendships that were over and I would never find the reconciliation that my heart so desired.  I had forgiven..and then been bitter again..and forgiven again and again and again. I knew that God had worked much healing in my heart, but it was altered and it still hurt.

One early morning I got out of bed, checked email as I do every morning. This particular morning there was an email from the person I had most grieved losing. It was addressed to German (we share an email address) and he was traveling. As soon as he was awake, I texted him to "CHECK OUR EMAIL" and yes I did use all caps because it was important. This particular email began (in essence), "I regret how I mishandled our friendship and want to know if you could forgive me." German sent an immediate answer that said, "I'm traveling and can't answer much now but thank you for saying that and yes already forgiven." German and I cried together, rejoiced together and then sent an email that showed how God how worked in spite of how devastated we felt.  We did not hide how much we hurt, but we rejoiced at a second chance. After an exchange of several emails, the relationship was really beginning to renew.

We have not been able to renew the friendship face-to-face. Distance has happened. And yes, it is altered because we missed six years of each other's life. But the empty hole is no longer there.

I tell you this, not to brag on us or him, but to celebrate what God can and does do. It would not have been possible to so readily say "Yes, forgiven" if we had not allowed God to prune and minister and challenge and comfort our hearts during those six years. God had already helped us forgive. And he did that when we could see no hope of ever reaching reconciliation. If you are in a place that has been deeply hurt by others, please, please, please don't turn to bitterness. Keep giving it to God. Keep asking for him to allow forgiveness to rule. He will honour that. And, if the opportunity for reconciliation arises, you will be ready because you will have already forgiven.

We are working toward a plan for face-to-face meeting. If you do the math you will see that these sweet friends have never even met our third child. They were so important to our girls in the early years, and I desperately want them to meet Tree. It will be sweet, because it comes after such a desert time. I am hopeful.

Be encouraged. Forgiveness is sweet.

Don't set Limitations

I remember it clearly. I was maybe eight years old and my parents were going away for a few days. My brother and I were to stay with grandparents. For some reason, my Mom was worried about her house plants getting watered. One of the instructions she gave was, "Let (brother) water the plants, Mipa tends to kill them." I don't remember ever having killed a plant before that day. However, the reality was now firmly planted. I could not grow houseplants.

Fast forward to the summer between my Junior and Senior year of college. My roommate was going to Europe to hike across it with her fiance.  I was staying in our house for the summer, taking a couple of summer courses. So she, naturally, asked me to take care of her African violets. The African violets that her fiance gave her when he proposed. Her precious African violets.  I remember a feeling of panic that "I kill plants," even as I smiled and said of course. I was terrified that summer that I would kill the plants, but I didn't. They thrived. It should have been a lesson to my pre-twenty self that I didn't kill plants, but instead I thought it was a fluke.

For years I avoided house plants, knowing that I was the curse of death. But a friend gave me one when we lived in Germany, and it lived. In spite of being put in a box and transported across multiple country borders, it lived. Then we moved into this house three years ago. Our landlord left a beautiful orchid to welcome us into our new home. I, of course, expected to kill it. But I did not. It bloomed again...and again....and again. In fact, sometime this week it should burst into bloom for the fifth time since we moved. I have finally realised, I don't kill plants.

I don't know why my mother said that. Maybe I had, as a child, over watered or under watered something. Maybe it was a throw-aside comment that was a joke. I honestly cannot tell you. What I do know is that for years it dictated something I believed about myself. Something trivial, but something that was deep in my perception of who I was. And it was totally false.

As I watched the buds come on my orchid, I was thinking about how easy it is to set limitations that become part of who a person is. One of my children struggles with math. Saying math is not her thing actually sets an expectation that she approaches math with dread that she will not be able to do it. Back in college, when discussing language courses, my friend the Russian major made a joke that of course I didn't like languages, I didn't even do English well (making fun of my Texas country accent more than my use of language). I knew it was a joke. I knew that it was not true, after all I had been one of forty students hand-picked to help teach writing out of the school. But I still hear that "joke" when I'm writing and wonder if I have any right to be writing. It is easy to set limitations. I am determined that I will be more diligent in not setting limitations on what others believe they can do with any careless words that might come from my mouth. I don't want to have been the source of such self-criticism.

Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. 

Proverbs 16:24

Father help me to use words that expand someone's horizons, not limit their perception. Help my words be healing and encouraging. And when I have set limits on a person's soul, send others to show a better way. Amen.

 

I don't mean to be silent. There are millions of thoughts in my head that are making it to paper and into conversations with my girls. But, I have always wanted this to be a place of refuge and encouragement. I have never wanted to have a political blog. And if I were to voice so much of what is my head right now, this would be a political blog.

Back in November 2015, Ann Voskamp wrote in her blog, something that her husband had said during harvest that has stayed we with me,

"I don't know what to think---so maybe I just thank."  

So, since I can't find anything else to say in terms of what I think, here are some things I'm grateful for today:

*a family that is healthy and safe and together
*an adopted home that we immigrated to 16 years ago
*friends who love us in spite of  a prevailing attitude that immigrants are not welcome
*work that more than adequately meets our needs
*clean water
*freedom to choose where we will go to church
*excitement that as a church we can plant a new fellowship in another area of town without conflict
*joy in watching Tree learn to read. Knowing that I am teaching him that
*opportunities for the girls to develop their leadership skills
*travel that  is expanding my horizons
*Comfort in Knowing God is Sovereign!

I don't necessarily know what to think as I watch news. My heart breaks at situations and divisiveness. But God has not forsaken his throne. He is not surprised and He will not be defeated by any darkness I see. So I will take Hope in that. And I will continue to give him Praise for the things He has allowed to me.

I needed the reminder today. Wanted to share!

A Way Back

Finding a way back to the blog has been easier said than done.  It is not that I don’t miss blogging, I do. A lot. But I find it not making my priority list day in and day out.  I write in my head, but not on screen or on paper. I miss that. There are many excuses I could make—home schooling three kids (one kindergarten, one middle school and one *gasp* high school) takes up most of my time. But I still find time for other things I enjoy, so it doesn’t excuse not writing. The truth is, I miss the old days of blogging. I miss the community. Most of the early bloggers I followed and with whom I communicated have also stopped regularly blogging. That sense of dialogue has gone, and with it some of my motivation to keep writing. I miss that.

I am going to try and find my way back in 2017. Despite missing the blogging community, I miss the accountability of writing more. The old days of writing for “In Other Words” forced me to write to deadlines, thus I wrote more, thus I was developing my voice and style. My writing was better because I wrote. And by not writing, I have lost that push to improve. I also miss my personal accountability.  If I post goals, I am more likely to try and meet them. If I post memory verses, I am more likely to memorize. Just by putting it on my blog as a reminder, helps me to follow through with the things I want to accomplish.

All that to say, hopefully you will see me more in 2017 (all three of you who still check in to see if I’m alive *wink*). I’ll post my verses on the first and fifteenth.  I’ll post monthly goals.  I’ve already chosen a word for 2017 and will write about it. And, I’ll give an update on how a year of living “Seriously!” changed my life. Maybe the changes were small, but this was a good word choice and year, despite how difficult the year has felt in many other ways. I hope to discuss books and life more. Thank you for still being a part of my blogging world.  See you soon!

Even as Babes, They Hear

I was doing some work in the living room.  It was a rare moment when I had my own music playing and not that of one of the Tweens living in my house.  So, country gospel it was.  Tree was playing, all together too loudly, around me. All of a sudden he stopped and sat very quiet for a moment. (When you have an active three year old, that sudden quietness stands out).  He came over to me and almost whispered, "What is this song?" I told him it was "Amazing Grace." He said okay and went back to playing.


Then, he looked up again. "You singed this to me when I was little baby."
"Yes, sweetie, I did."


And I did.  When I was nursing him at two a.m. (and three a.m. and five a.m.) I would sing Amazing Grace in his ear. It was his lullaby. It and Victory in Jesus were sung to him hundreds of times over his first eighteen months. They were sung as much for my sake as they were for his. To keep me calm and quiet when he needed settling.


But he heard. And somehow, today, he remembered.


Don't ever underestimate what you say and sing and teach them! They hear, even when they seem to young to process. And they remember on some level. 


And sometimes God is gracious to remind you that investment you are making pays dividends.

Thank you Jesus that those hymn-lullabies are a part of my little boy's memories. Thank you that they will be the foundation of the theology he hears and sees over the next years. Help me to say and model the things that he (and his sisters) need to become the followers of you that you desire. Amen.

Regaining Your Voice

Where the slide to losing one's voice often seems gradual, the act of regaining it is very intentional. Each and every time I have allowed circumstances, or other people to silence me, it has not ended until I reached a point of saying "enough is enough." I must decide to step beyond what is happening and re-gain my voice.

There is a natural need in us to express ourselves. Some use words to do that. Others use actions or talents. But we all express ourselves in some fashion. I was recently reminded that we need to speak because we are created in the image of God, and he was not silent. He spoke worlds into being. He spoke to his prophets. He called people out and expected responses. We, too, are called to express our innermost beings. It is built into us to communicate. So we shouldn't allow others to take that away.

When I've given up something I love because others have inadvertently hurt me, I need to forgive and let it go. Especially since it was inadvertent. Only by forgiving them (in my heart and head) do I have the freedom to move on. In the past year I have re-started an activity that I had stopped because the joy had gone out of it based on some comments. It was not a huge deal in my life, but I was finding that I missed it. Despite missing the activity, it took a concentrated decision on my part that the comments were not going to play in my head and take away my enjoyment while I engaged in the activity. It was freeing to say that the comments did not define me (which they never did) and that I could have fun at something without it mattering to those speakers. It was a little thing, but it was a step in the right direction.

What about those times when it has been more intentional to silence you....forgive then as well. Remember that those people are not who validate you. Jesus is. And he has found you worthy, so don't hold onto their words or their judgments or your need for their approval. Give it to the one who says, "You are worthy and you are heard." I know that it is easier said than done. But I also know that forgiveness is more for our benefit than theirs, and there is a freedom in allowing God to heal those wounds.

In the matters where circumstances have chiseled away at time and voice, it is more difficult. The circumstances may not change despite the decision to re-gain one's voice. It may be necessary to redefine one's voice to the circumstances. Remember when I said I was weary of moving? And remember back at the first of the year when I felt that God was having me wait for something? Well, God has a way of moving circumstances. This is the first year in five years that German is not changing job roles in October necessitating a major if not international move! We were looking forward to a quiet autumn with no change. And then...our landlord notified us that he *might* need the house back for a family member. And we waited and prayed since we have grown roots and ministries. And then the *might* became *definitely* and we continued to wait and pray. And just when I was ready to despair, we found a house. A few miles move will allow us to continue with routines and ministries. But it is a still a move. And I am still weary. (And I had just started writing this, so I asked God what on earth he was trying to teach). And you know what, I don't have the answers. But I know that this time around, I don't intend to let the circumstances take away the thing I love that I was just regaining. It is a choice. And I am trusting that God has something waiting for us there that we could not have here. Something that will further my roots and my ministries.

As I make the intentional decision to regain my voice, I have found that goals help, but can also be demoralising. Set realistic goals. Then be gentle if you need to adjust them. I intended to start writing at least once a week, thinking that was reasonable. But it wasn't. My family's needs in this new place were greater than my need to write. And so I haven't met my goal. And I could be frustrated, or I can be gentle. I'm choosing gentle. I will continue to plan and set goals, but realise that family is first. (And as they get more accustomed to me disappearing to write, maybe I can write more). May I encourage you that you won't write an epic novel the first time out, you won't speak to an arena of people, you won't sing an aria until you've sang those first notes, but that is okay. We are intending to communicate for a long time. And you (and I) will build our skills as we engage in our skills. Don't give up--even when it is tough and circumstances get in the way. I won't give up either.

So that's where I'm at. Finding ways to forgive and regain some voice. Finding ways around the circumstances. Choosing that I will find my voice and my talents. And trusting that God is leading because he is a God who communicates and doesn't leave us on our own.

Once God has spoken;
twice have I heard this:
that power belongs to God,
and that to you, O Lord, belongs steadfast love.
For you will render to a man
according to his work.
Psalm 62:11-12

How to lose your voice--part 3

First, my apologies for taking so long to continue the series.  This one has been difficult for me to publish--remembering a truly low point in life.  I pray that this will be of help to someone out there to remember that God does hear us.

In parts 1&2 I discussed how circumstances often silence us. This one is a little tougher, it is how people can intentionally silence us. Part 4 will address when people inadvertently silence us.

It was latish on a Thursday night. The pastor and associate pastor came to the house to speak to my husband. That wouldn't have normally been an issue since husband was a deacon. But events of the day made this wrong. Earlier that day, a staff member had responded to a situation involving me in a very intimidating way. He had put his much larger frame into my space, had leaned into my face and blatantly lied to me, with an undercurrent of a threat. His anger was out of control, as witnessed and attested to by others later. My husband had asked for the deacons to meet and address this issue since it was not the first such event. They had met, but had excluded my husband from the meeting. The pastors were there to tell him that the decision was that this incident had nothing to do with his being on staff, that it was a church fellowship matter and that I needed to meet with said staff member and work it out because it was my problem and it was leading to division amongst members. I was effectively tried and condemned by the church leadership. The problem was, not one of them had asked ME what happened. They asked staff member. They asked his wife and other witnesses. They did not ask me. And the decision was not even consistent with what they heard!

I had been silenced.

Over the next week, husband was also caught in a cross-fire of issues, and eventually had to resign from leadership due to the back-biting, dishonest things that were being said in order to change some church decisions.

It was ugly and hurtful and unnecessary. It led to our withdrawal from church activities and eventually our moving away. It ended a myriad of friendships. It took SIX weeks before anyone asked me how I felt. Six weeks of attempting to meet with staff person who refused our invites, deacon invites, and pastor invites. Six weeks of not coming to church on communion services before someone asked if there was a correlation. And in the sixth week, it took sitting through a church meeting where said staff-member was given a bonus for his 'good work.'

Six weeks of silence.

Then, the pastor and the deacon who approached me were surprised by the depth of my hurt.

And although both acknowledged that it had been easier to talk to husband than me, neither would give a reason. Truth is, they had not spoken with him again either, even when he resigned from leadership.

It redefined my expectation of church leadership and it almost destroyed my trust in the organised church.

Sometimes we lose our voice because others deliberately set out to not allow us to speak.

One thing  I learned during that time:

 People may seek to silence truth,

but God never silences it. 

I was assured time and time again that God heard me. I never once believed in that time that he had stopped listening. He heard. He promised deliverance. He delivered.  Although it is true that I miss many of those friendships to this day, I do not doubt that God used that moment to mold me into the leader I am and to place us in our next place of ministry and healing. I learned much about how to notice hurting people. I now hear different cues when a situation does not seem to add up and one of the participants is not saying much. I know the hurt of being intentionally ignored, and I hope to never allow someone to be in that place.  I also know the balm of the two people who continually reached out even when they did not understand the depth of what was happening, and I pray that I can be that balm in someone else's life.

My friends, if you have been silenced by those around you, if your opinions, desires, needs have not been heard, or if those you love have deliberately chosen to not hear you, please do not lose heart.  God hears you.  He draws near to you.  And, when the time is right, he will vindicate you.  Draw near to him and allow him to hear the depths of your pain.  He can soothe what no one else can.  Trust one who has walked the path and survived.  You are heard and your voice matters.

As for me, I call to God,
    and the Lord saves me. 
 Evening, morning and noon
    I cry out in distress,
    and he hears my voice.
He rescues me unharmed
    from the battle waged against me,
    even though many oppose me.................Psalm 55:16-18

How to Lose Your Voice, Part 1

I have been reflecting upon how it was I came to lose my words, the very thing that had always brought me clarity and contentment in the changes of my life.  I think it all came to fruition during our time in Germany (although to a large extent it started earlier than that--but that is part 3).

Being in a culture where I did not speak the language was exhausting.  It was mentally draining,  physically tense, and emotionally depleting.  Try as I could, it did not and would not come easy to me.  I would tell my tutor that I was sure Tree (less than 2 at the time) was going to answer her questions before I did.  I was only half-joking.  The truth was, he was learning two languages at once and took delight when he said a German word and all the German-speakers around us would react with total joy.  They did not react that way when I spoke the language.  I tired of being laughed at or given blank stares--both common reactions.  It has long been my belief that if you live in another lingual setting it is your duty to make and effort to communicate in the common language.  But after a year of struggle, I now have an entirely new empathy for those who do not speak a country's native language.

It is hard. Very hard.

Simple things, like going to the grocery store, became things that I dreaded.  My little neighbourhood store had no English speakers.  To make it more challenging, you had to ask for anything that was fresh--vegetables, meat, cheese.  No just picking your own.  My first attempt at getting leaf lettuce (Kräutersalat) was met with giggles from the girl getting the vegetables.  She repeated how to say it correctly.  I tried. More giggles.  That rolling/hard r sound is impossible for me.  We repeated this scene for weeks before the day she threw her hands up and said "you got it right" (in English because she practiced with me after a while). Those first attempts were demoralising. To be laughed at week in and week out just to get lettuce.

    Or there was the day that I was buying a whole chicken (Huhn).  I knew how to ask and low and behold it worked she immediately pulled a chicken from the case.  My tutor had told me they would ask if I wanted it cut up (that word I don't remember).  She asked a question about cutting it, I said ja and she went away and came back with it cut and wrapped.  Success, I thought.  Imagine my dismay when I got home to discover that she had indeed cut it up--in half--and I only had half a chicken.  For dinner in an hour for my family of five.  Did I say demoralising?




These are just easy examples of language difficulty outside native country.  I got to the point that I just didn't want to try to communicate anything when I was at home.  I was exhausted.  I just wanted to allow my mind to veg.  So I stopped writing much of anything.

This may sound like it is specific to living outside our home country, but I think it can generalize.  Sometimes, we stop communicating because the day-to-day communication is in a foreign language that exhausts us.  This world, this culture, is counter to our identity as children of God (more on this in a post to come).  We can spend the day trying to navigate a world between our sacred heart language and the world we live in.  We can become exhausted trying to navigate the negative and pessimistic culture around us.  We can get to the point that we just don't want to have to speak if not absolutely necessary.

You may recognise this.  You spend your day navigating the murky waters of a work place where ambition is more highly regarded than integrity.  You say the politically correct thing to stay afloat even when it doesn't come naturally.  Nodding and smiling takes the place of speaking your heart. Then you come home and don't have the mental energy to switch gears and speak the sacred. So you think you will do it tomorrow.  Or, if you are a student, you walk the path of choosing words that are true and what the professor wants to hear, but may not be your deepest truth. Then, when it comes time to speak or write of your inmost thoughts, there is no energy left to summon it.  We can lose our words as we navigate the foreign language of the world.  

I know that I must find ways to protect my energy, so that I still have the perseverence to speak my heart's language when so many around me do not want to hear or do not understand that language.  Becoming bi-lingual is a must or I become too exhausted to speak.  But, how?

I was struck this week, again, as I read the words of Mark 1:35,

Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed.

Jesus was navigating a "foreign" world with a "foreign" language.  He was away from the perfection of his world.  How did he cope?  He got by himself and he prayed.  He found a place to speak his heart language.  He didn't lose touch with who he was whilst he did the things he was called to do.

I wonder, if that is the key for me to not lose my voice in a foreign world?  It is true, that quiet time and concentrated prayer times are often among the first things to go when I am overwhelmed with life.  That just adds to the spiral of being more and more overwhelmed.  If I am to navigate in a world that speaks a different language than my heart, I must find places and time to speak my heart language.  I must find the time to pray and stay in the word.  I must also find time to speak with those who speak the same language.  Otherwise my speech skills become rusty and I become discouraged, at best, or apathetic at worst.  Even this die-hard introvert needs people!  I need people to come along, encourage, commiserate and hold to account.  And, I need to be that for others.

My friends, if you are losing your voice, if you find you don't have the energy to say another word of anything important, please take some time and reconnect.  Reconnect with God and with others who can speak to the things of God. Reconnect with your heart-language.   Reconnect with me.  I need you.  I need your words, and I am certain others do as well.

God Bless!

photos from www.morguefile.com

Things that Keep Me Humble

As a homeschooling Mom of two pre-teens and a SAHM of a toddler, there are multiple means utilized to keep me humble.  Here are but a couple of examples to preserve for posterity sake.

The toddler is developing quite a vocabulary.  Which is good.  He speaks in typical baby speak, which is not always so good.  The scene is the church foyer where I am visiting with a friend and he is watching out the window.  The room is fairly packed with parents waiting for children.
Tree:  a taxi. Mom a taxi. Look!
Tree: dere a bus! itsa bus!
Tree:  Blue car, geen car, are there lellow cars Mum?
Tree:  (jumping up and down)  (insert R-rated word near the name of another mode of transportation)
(witness one of the dad's almost fall over laughing)

After church we always spend time discussing what the girls learned in Sunday Club and what we heard in the sermon.  Jewel has just finished telling us about Timothy and some of the characteristics young people can learn from him.  Flower has talked about the Israelites disobeying God (agaaaain!) and what we should learn.  German tells the girls that we heard a sermon on the Fruit of the Spirit.
German:  So, what is the first fruit of the Spirit?
Jewel:  Is it grapes?
(witness me attempt to pick my jaw up off the table)
(yes I told her that this would get blogged!)
Guess what we will be studying this week in Bible time?

 

Keep smiling!  Have a great day! 

photos downloaded www.morguefile.com

What I Might Have Written

What might I have written if I had written this year?

I might have written about first Independence Day celebrations


 


and seeing amazing architecture

and eating amazing food.

Maybe I would have written about birthdays:

or Christmas presents and Christmas lights

Or a first-ever girls-only trip to Poland

I could have shown you Fairy Tale German Castles:

and German Cathedrals:

and English Cathedrals:

I might have written about school celebrations


I could have written about rediscovering favourite places

I might have even written about the bitter-sweetness of saying good-byes and making yet another international move. Or the elation of returning to a place we have previously loved.


I might have written many things.  But, alas, I did not.  If I had, you would have seen a little of the joy, the sadness, the laughter and even the tears.  Mostly you would have seen this chaotic thing that I call life and (maybe) caught a glimpse of the One who helps me navigate the chaos.  I've missed you.  I hope to be here more.  There are thoughts bouncing around this head that need a place to be voiced.  There are things to record for the pure joy of remembering.  There are others to recount so that lessons are not lost.  Looking forward to a year of new beginnings and re-starts of old passions.

Happy Year's End My Friends.  May 2014 Bring Us Together More.

Five Minute Friday---Brave

Linking up with Lisa-Jo and the Five Minute Friday writers today. The topic is BRAVE.

Go:

I am not brave. There is not a brave bone in my body. I fret, I stew, I worry. I even hyperventilate. But I don't face things bravely.  I am a coward.

Yet, I moved from Kentucky to Washington as a newly minted social worker with just the cat to a place where I knew no one for a job. (Later I found out I had family there! Go figure!)
And I quit my job to start a single's ministry at the church (and then working part-time in social work).
And I got married. ;-) Actually for someone determine to remain single, maybe that was brave.
I followed my husband to another state and then another country (and another and another).
I gave birth to three amazing blessings. I said good-bye to two blessings before they grew big enough to meet them beyond the "blip" on the screen that faded to nothing.
I homeschooled my children.
I send my children to school.
I attempt to learn to speak German.

And people comment all the time that I must be so brave to do the things that I do. I just shake my head.

I'm not brave.

But I trust in a God who can handle any of these things and more. When his hand has directed us to a new place, a new job, or a new aspect of our life, I've learned to just follow. Hyperventilate if I must, but follow nonetheless. The blessings have been amazing.

Call me blessed. Call me faithful. But don't confuse that with bravery. They are not the same thing.

Stop.

Seriously, go visit the other brave women linking up today.  You will be blessed!

Going Places (again)

This is a re-post of a contest entry I wrote in June 2008.  The sentiments are just as true today.  Yesterday, this dear niece phoned me as she had a short layover in Ireland.  She was on her way to her first deployment and just wanted to touch base.

Praying for you sweetheart.  Know that we are so proud of you. It seems like just yesterday we were helping your mom and dad protect you from the difficulties of the world. Today you take the next step in protecting us.  God bless you and keep you.








Dear A~

I sit here remembering the second time we were together. (The first time doesn't count because you were on your best behavior brought on by whatever threats your mom and dad came up with that day). You were so angry. Angry at me for coming into "Uncle German's" life and in your eight year old eyes, that was usurping your place. You could not begin to understand that Uncle German had already made it clear that you and your brother and sister were of utmost importance to him, and I must like you. You could not fathom how I could have started to love you long before I ever met you. You only saw me as an interloper and took every opportunity to lash out at me. Perhaps it was all my fault in your mind--after all you wouldn't have been moving from your home if Uncle German hadn't married me, moved to Birmingham and transferred your daddy to come work for him. At any rate, on this second meeting, you were not happy about going places at all. We were there to help your mom and dad paint the house to get it ready to sell. There in your little girl shoes, you stamped your feet and made it clear that going places was not what you wanted to do.

Who would have thought that it was just the beginning of the places you would go?

Fast forward four years. We were all going places again. This time to England. This move you were happy to make. In fact, you and your brother conspired to come earlier than your mom and sister. This time, instead of the bad guy, I got to be the solution. I could be at the hotel with you between school and your dad finishing work. You looked so grown up in your public school uniform! You hated the "practical" black shoes you were forced to wear with the uniform, but the rest was a grand adventure. You were so excited to make new friends, see new things, and spread your wings.

Spread your wings you did. In fact it was just a short time and you were going places again. This time, wearing rugby shoes, back to America for university. I kept thinking of that eight year old I met, but I was faced with a soon-to-be eighteen year old. You had grown into such a self-assured and beautiful young woman. I was proud that you now not only considered me "Aunt" but also friend. I could not love you more if there were a blood relationship. As I prayed for your university education, I marveled at the young woman God had destined for you to become.

Today, I sit her thinking of the new places you are going. You have traded your trendy boots for more durable options. You have just spent your first week in ROTC Leadership Training. I shouldn't be surprised that you chose the military as an option for your future since your grandpa, mother and father all faithfully served. But there is a part of me that quivers and quakes at your decision. Not that you can't cut it--my rugby playing, no-holds-barred, tell-it-like-you-see-it, sweet niece--I know you can cut it. But it is the places you could go with this decision that give me pause. I know that you will serve where ever you are sent and do a wonderful job at it. I pray that those places are out of harms way. I pray that your heart and your mind are protected from the things that you are likely to see in the coming years. I know the One who holds the places where you are going; don't ever lose sight of Him.

Going places....
Alabama....
England...
Illinois...
Leadership Training...
????


How easy it was to let you go some places. How hard it is now! Praying for you!

Love,
Aunt MiPa

The picture is courtesy of www.morguefile.com and the photographer is "kakisky".

If Jesus is Lord....

So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.
~Colossians 2:6-7~

Recently our Minister to Youth and Children was preaching on the book of Colossians. He was reminding us of the cultural pressures the new believers at Colossae would have been facing. He made what was a seemingly obvious observation, but one that has hung with me for the weeks since:

"If Jesus is Lord, Caesar is not."

By declaring that Jesus is Lord, the new believers were emphatically declaring their allegiance. And that allegiance was dangerous.

Those words continue to resound in my ears, "If Jesus is Lord, ______ is not." What fills in the blank in my life. What things do I need to be reminded are not Lord in my life?

If Jesus is Lord, blogging is not. Although a casual observer might not be too sure. The balance of time between reading my Bible/praying/spending time with Jesus and reading blogs/commenting on blogs/writing my blog is actually, often, way out of balance. I am working on keeping the ratio more acceptable. The funny thing is, when I prioritise time with God, I find I have more to say for my blog and it takes less time to say it. Imagine that!

If Jesus is Lord, homeschooling is not. Yes, educating my children is important and I believe that it is something that God has called us to do. But it is not more important than my spiritual wellbeing. And my childre will learn nothing of the love of God if all they see in me is hypocrisy. Again, getting the priority right is allowing school to become less of a struggle.

If Jesus is Lord, German and the girls are not. This one is often where the rubber meets the road. They are important. They are gifts from God. But they cannot and will not save me from my mess. Only Jesus can rescue me. I am amazed and grateful that he gives me these relationships to bring joy into my life, but I cannot depend upon relationships to make me feel good about myself.

I am grateful for the reminder that the declaration of "Jesus is Lord" is more than a glib statement that is made and then forgotten. It is a declaration of allegience. The choices I make and the priorities I set will demonstrate if that allegience is lip-service or heart-felt. I'm praying that I am found faithful to the declaration.

Strength Will Indeed Rise

A little over eighteen months ago, things went terribly pear-shaped in our worship community. After one particularly difficult encounter where really harsh judgment and punishment was dispensed toward us, we chose to make a drive and worship elsewhere. We visited a church in a nearby town where we know the tradition and worship would be so totally different than our usual experience, we felt we would be able to relax and reconnect with God.

It was there that I heard Chris Tomlin's "Everlasting God" (lyrics by Brenton Brown and Ken Riley) for the first time. I stood with tears running down my face as we sang the words "strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord." I was wondering if strength would ever rise again. At that moment I felt so weak and battered, that I had little hope.

Over the next months we practiced "waiting on the Lord." I had to daily, or more often hourly, choose to wait on him and to trust him in the situation. I continued to feel weak and unable, but he continued to give me just what I needed when I needed it. That waiting time would lead to a cross-country move and a lot of healing.

Recently we stood to sing worship with our new faith community. Once again the song was "Everlasting God" and once again the tears were flowing. This time, the tears were out of gratefulness that strength had indeed risen. The ironic truth is, however, that I am still weak. I'm just not defeated in my weakness.

It was never going to be my strength that would rise. It was always going to be his strength. As I trusted him, I learned to rely on his strength. My trust allowed his strength to pour out and manifest in me.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
~2 Corinthians 12:9-10~

If you are struggling today, be encouraged. His strength will indeed rise and will be manifested in your weaknesses, if you trust him with those weaknesses.

Accepting the Rebuke

Still dwelling on the forgiveness/regret/conviction theme.  Feel free to move on if you aren't. ;-)

Then Nathan said to David, "You are the man! This is what the LORD, the God of Israel, says: 'I anointed you king over Israel, and I delivered you from the hand of Saul. I gave your master's house to you, and your master's wives into your arms. I gave you the house of Israel and Judah. And if all this had been too little, I would have given you even more. Why did you despise the word of the LORD by doing what is evil in his eyes?
2 Samuel 12:7-9

This is one of those passages that has always intrigued me. The courage of Nathan to say to the king that he was wrong.  The willingness of David to see the truth in what Nathan was saying.  There are times that I have seen the need to be a Nathan in someone's life, and chickened out. And there have been times when a Nathan has showed up in my life, and I was less than gracious in accepting that. I'm not Nathan, and I'm not David.

Last night at house group the question was raised to choose characteristics of David that made him a good leader. One of the responses was "he was close enough to God that he was able to accept the rebuke." I love that thought. David was close enough to God that he was able to hear rebuke from others because he knew that God's acceptance of him was based on God's character not on his own. He was able to hold up the rebuke and see if it measured up to what God was saying. When it did, he was close enough to God to confess, knowing that God would hear the confession.

I know that the confidence in the relationship can make all the difference in how I hear a rebuke. I am much more willing to hear from German or from a few friends who have been granted access to inner sanctum of my life because I know that their rebuke is not the end of the relationship--it is because of the relationship.  My confidence in the sureness of relationship means I can hear correction. I trust it. On the other hand, the random person who chooses to give me their mind on my life without any reference of true relationship will not be heard. I'm not close enough to them to accept it.

That is what I loved so much about the statement made about David being "close enough to God to hear the rebuke." I want to be so sure in my relationship with God, that I am able to hear the rebuke when it is needed. I want to be drawn back to where I need to be without fear. I want the relationship to be so close that I hear the love in the rebuke.

Does that make sense to anyone else? Do you find that the closer you are to God the easier it is to hear convicting advice? Are you able to accept the rebuke?

Father, help me to walk in sureness of my relationship with you. When correction and rebuke is needed, help me to accept that as coming from a loving father who only wants my best. Help me be willing to change when you call me to make those changes. Amen.

Getting Real with Forgiveness

Fools mock at making amends for sin,
but goodwill is found among the upright.
Each heart knows its own bitterness,
and no one else can share its joy.
Proverbs 14:9-10

This week I was re-reading Ann Voskamp's amazing piece The Fish Principle and reflecting on rejection and forgiveness. I felt that familiar twinge in my spirit that there was more to this story. I wasn't quite sure where it was going, but I knew the lesson would be made clearer eventually.

I didn't expect is so soon. But then, I guess I often do not expect the hard lessons to come.

A reminder came of some trouble in someone's life. A really tough time being felt by this family. There is an urgent need of prayer. I clearly heard that small voice say, "are you going to pray?" Of course I said I would, and uttered a quick prayer asking God to be with them in their need. But the voice persisted, "I mean will you really pray? Will you seek blessings in their life from me?" Insert a heavy pregnant pause here. I know what the answer is, but I cannot say the words.

This is a person who has hurt me deeply. This is a person who shook my very core of security and abolished relationships with half-truths, innuendos and sometimes outright lies. It is also someone with whom I have known for some time that reconciliation needed to happen. I've even had church leaders assist in approaching this person about meeting to reconcile these differences--and have been turned down more than once. This person has shown no willingness to resolve our issues, so I have let it go.

Except. Except that I haven't. I still feel the pit in the bottom of my stomach when I hear this person's name. I still feel physically ill when I see them. And, as is glaringly apparent this week, it is someone that I would rather wish ill upon than seek God's blessing.

*UGH!* The truth is so ugly to confront. Reality is, this person does not care if we are reconciled. This person is willing for things to continue as they are. It exemplifies that my harbouring of ill feelings is not harming that person at all. But it is harming me. Because I*have*not*let*it*go. And when God confronts and says, "let me have it," I hold on for dear life because I am afraid that he will not handle it as well as I am. How silly is that! Paul reminds us,

Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. (Romans 12:19)

but I would rather hold on be sure that the vengeance is what I would demand. I have become Jonah, sitting beside the destroyed plant stalk sulking.

I knew that you are a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love, a God who relents from sending calamity. Jonah 4:2

The reminder to "really pray" for someone who has hurt me and to truly seek God's blessing is challenging. It is challenging because I know God's character and know that he may very well answer those kinds of prayers!

I would love, at this point in the saga, to happily report that I got my attitude straightened out and said the prayers with a pure heart. Truth is, it is not that simple. I've confessed my vindictive attitude, I've prayed for this person, I've prayed for me, I've argued with God and I've sulked a little more about it. The easy part is recognizing that God is calling me to a higher path than I've been on. The hard part is actually climbing the path and walking it.

I know that this is a path of higher calling. It is not something I do for that individual--as I have said they are not concerned with my forgiveness. This forgiveness has to do with me and my obedience to what God is calling. Obedience always requires a sacrifice. This time in order to obey I must relinquish my desire for fair retribution or for justification. I must trust that his ways make sense.

I doubt that I'm the only one out there that God is reminding about real forgiveness. Maybe you are walking right there beside me. If that is you, please be encouraged that you are not alone. I would love to pray for you. My email address is in my profile (or if you feel comfortable leave me a note in the comments). If you have already walked this road, I would be so encouraged if you would pray for me. Let's get real about forgiveness and allow God to heal.

But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you...
Matthew 5:44

...And if you are so inclined, there is a hurting family that needs God's blessing. He knows the details.

The Wake of Blessing

We are busy exploring the countryside around our new home. So, on Saturday we took off for a drive and ended up at a lovely lake. We walked down to the lake and as German taught the girls how to skip rocks on the water I sat on the bench and watched the sail boats in the distance. A motor boat sped by and, although it was a distance from the shore, the wake that hit the shore was impressive. Wave after wave crashed in. The poor swans were fighting to stay upright. Then, as suddenly as it hit it was gone. Somehow I knew that there was a lesson in this, but I had not yet encountered the main point.



That would come at church on Sunday.

The sermon was about Samson. It was about being consecrated to the Lord and that even in that consecration we sometimes make choices that are against God. The pastor pointed out that even when Samson was being disobedient (touching a dead carcass, marrying a Philistine woman, having a relationship with Delilah), God did not take away his strength which was the sign of his blessing. He pointed out that sometimes we continue to experience the blessings of God even when we are choosing to be disobedient.

Later German and I were discussing this concept. I remembered the boat from the day before. I said that sometimes the blessings are like the wake of the boat. The moment of obedience when the blessing was originally bestowed is like the moment the boat goes by. It is the moment of the strongest blessing. But the moment it is gone does not stop the affect. In the wake, waves of blessings continue to come. But at some point they ebb and then they stop. Likewise, if there is not continued obedience then at some point the clear outpouring of God in a person's life will ebb and then end.

I have seen that happen in my own life. I've seen it happen in the lives of others. Believing that God will continue to pour into my life in spite of my disobedient attitude, I lose sight of reality of God. Then there comes a moment when I act as if God should just be there. And he isn't. Samson experienced it.

He awoke from his sleep and thought, "I'll go out as before and shake myself free." But he did not know that the LORD had left him.
~Judges 16:20~

I find that as I examine myself and my thoughts and actions over the last few months in some ways this is my life. I have continued to experience the Lord's blessings in numerous ways. But it has not necessarily been because of my current obedience. It has been the wake of the past, continuing in spite of some horrible attitudes that I have allowed to intrude. I don't want to awake one day in the sight of danger and find, like Samson, that the wake of the blessing has passed and that I did not even know that God removed it. I want to stay in the center of obedience and experience the first hand movement of God in my life.

Father, forgive me when I allow attitudes that do not honour you to take over my life. Forgive me when I live as if I deserve the blessings bestowed from your hand rather than in a merciful reprieve from your hand. Thank you for the good things you send into my life, even (especially) as I do not deserve them. Help me to live in the consecration of setting my life apart for you on a daily basis and not misuse that blessing. Amen.

photo from www.morguefile.com (senaca77)

Waiting for the Rowers

Jumping out of the boat, Peter walked on the water to Jesus.

The two of them climbed into the boat, and the wind died down. The disciples in the boat, having watched the whole thing, worshiped Jesus, saying, "This is it! You are God's Son for sure!"

~Matthew 14:29, 32-33 (The Message)~

A little over a year ago, a speaker at a church retreat was speaking on the different approaches people have to changes. He was using the story of Peter Walking on the Water as his text (okay, Jesus walking on the water, but the crux of the story is about Peter's reaction). He said that some people will react like Peter. They are jumpers. The see Jesus doing something and say "Give me the word and I'll jump right in there with you." They are quick to make the decision and able to adjust to change.



He said others are like the rest of the disciples. They are the rowers. They are still in the boat, still doing their job of rowing the boat, will get to where Jesus is but it is going to take them some more time.



As you can imagine, or may have even experienced, jumpers tend to think rowers take too long and rowers tend to think jumpers move ahead too quickly. Can make for interesting dynamics on leadership teams considering that both types of people are needed to accomplish the tasks at hand.

This talk was a turning point for German and me. We, as you may have gathered over the course of this blog, are jumpers. Especially German. When the vision is there and movement of God is happening, we want to get on with it and see things happen. Some of our friends are jumpers. But, many of our friends are rowers. They want to weigh the odds a little more, get there a little slower and be certain. This talk helped us to realize that just because they were not moving as quickly as we wanted, it did not mean that they did not want to get there in the end. It just meant that they would get there by rowing to the target not jumping out of the boat and sprinting toward it. That was encouraging. Our code word for nine months was "we're just waiting for the rowers." We encouraged others who were as frustrated as we were that "the rowers were coming.

The problem was, they never seemed to make any progress toward the goal. And in fact their conversation was filled more with fear and doubt than a strong desire to reach the goal. Nothing was moving forward. There were glimpses of God's blessings that were actually turned away (deliberately choosing to not take the offer of the blessing because "we aren't ready to do that yet"). German and I became discouraged. In fact, we have remained discouraged for some time. We are so sure that there was a path to take, but so many of our friends chose not to take it. And those of us who did take it now feel out of step with the others. A few months ago we asked the question, "How long do we need to wait on the rowers?" For us the answer was "not much longer" because God opened avenues that led us to move. More amazingly he has led us to two congregations of jumpers (I'm sure there are rowers as well), people with whom we already feel some kindred ties. But some of our friends are still in the process of waiting. And I know that it is a hard place to be so they are in the center of my prayers.

I pray that my rowing friends will eventually get to the target they see God setting before them. I confess I often wonder if their oars are even in the water, but I trust their hearts and know their desire is to follow God's call. I'm praying for my jumping friends for patience to wait on the rowers. I did not do that well and that attitude of frustration and disappointment is something that God has graciously forgiven. I pray that this situation will prepare me for the next time I am ready to jump and have to wait for those who are rowing.

Maybe you need that encouragement as well. Maybe you are a jumper who cannot understand why those around you aren't moving as quickly as you want. Trust that the rowers are headed to the same target and will get there. Or maybe you are a rower and are overwhelmed by those who want to move quickly. Trust God that He will get you to the target at the right time for you. But to both groups may I encourage that you keep grace and mercy at the forefront--it will save you from confessing sins of frustration and bitterness down the road. And most of all, which ever is your personality type, just keep focusing on the goal of Jesus and don't get distracted by the waves of doubt or fear.