How to Lose Your Voice, Part 2

In part one of this discussion on losing my voice, I talked of being too exhausted to continue to communicate.  The second part of losing my voice whilst I was in Germany had to do with perception and permission.  There were two (greatly generalised) types of ex-pats in my community in German.  There were the ex-pats who complained constantly about the German-way of doing things.  These folks had followed husbands to jobs, but were not necessarily happy about it.  And they complained. About everything. At every opportunity. To anyone who would listen.  Then there was the other type.  The ones who were embarrassed by type one and so who tried to only point out the positives.  In general, unless in the privacy of your own home with your own family, this group did not complain.  They were the eternal "Pollyana's" of the ex-pat world.

Since one of my least favourite groups of people are who we dub "The Ugly American" in our home, you can be assured that I landed in group two.  [The Ugly American is that person, American or not but most likely American, who spends all there time saying "in my home country we did it this way" and refusing to embrace anything about the culture they are visiting.]  I did truly enjoy much of our life in Germany, so it was not a stretch to focus on the positives.  Also, I tend to think if we focus on positives, the negatives are much less looming.

But to never feel able to express the negativity was draining.  Recently another blogger wrote about an entirely different subject, "I did not have the freedom to tell the truth and I no longer had the energy to pretend."  That sums up much of my time in Germany.  I did not have the freedom to express how hard it was.  DH was not having a great time at work and already felt guilty of having moved us yet again in the 3 years and I did not want to add pressure to him.  I knew in my head the first year in a new place is the most difficult and wanted to give it it's best chance.  And, we were convinced then, and I am still convinced, that God had a purpose for us in that place.  Therefore I didn't want to speak against where God had place me.  But it was hard.  Very hard.  And to not have an outlet made it even harder.

Another group-two friend, after she moved away from Germany, commented that she had not realised that she had basically held her breath and held her neck tense for two years until she was back home and could communicate without being afraid of saying it wrong.  Two years of holding your breath and biting back your true feelings is a long time.

But we do this all the time.  We spend years in church fellowships where we are afraid to show that we are hurting or doubting or in need.  We hold our breath and draw in the pain, paint that religious smile on our face and off we go to speak platitudes that are empty.  Why?  Because we don't have the freedom to be ourselves.  Because we are afraid that if we express doubts we will look like "The Ugly Christian" who needs it to be our way or no way.  Or we will not look like a Christian at all.  We convince ourselves that God can't handle it if we are real (and we know our friends can't handle our "realness" because they all have it all together).

Where does this lead us?  To being worn out and "not having the energy to pretend."  Which leads us to drop out of those religious circles that could be life-bringing because they might see that we are cracked and bruised and needy.  We stop communicating with the very ones who could bring us healing.  And we stop communicating the healing others' need.  We need to be able to lay down these masks of "having it together" and be real enough to give voice to our needs and to our ability to help those in need.

I am convinced, maybe even convicted, that we need to build I to our bible studies and our religious circles of friends the ability to be real. I am not advocating for a group one-everything-is-horrible reality, but a reality that is free to say I am having a tough time. I want a freedom to share the hard stuff that God leads me through as well as the easy things. I want to be someone that can handle hearing a friend say "life is tough" and not judge or try to solve it for them. I want to be a Christian community that enhances communication, not stifles it.  In some ways that is easier to build online than in face-to-face life. But I want it in both places.  So this may be a recurring theme that you see here.  As I try to regain my voice, I will advocate for you to have your voice as well. Let us speak in honesty, in reality and of course in love as we share our lives.

Thanks for listening to this rambling heart.

How to Lose Your Voice, Part 1

I have been reflecting upon how it was I came to lose my words, the very thing that had always brought me clarity and contentment in the changes of my life.  I think it all came to fruition during our time in Germany (although to a large extent it started earlier than that--but that is part 3).

Being in a culture where I did not speak the language was exhausting.  It was mentally draining,  physically tense, and emotionally depleting.  Try as I could, it did not and would not come easy to me.  I would tell my tutor that I was sure Tree (less than 2 at the time) was going to answer her questions before I did.  I was only half-joking.  The truth was, he was learning two languages at once and took delight when he said a German word and all the German-speakers around us would react with total joy.  They did not react that way when I spoke the language.  I tired of being laughed at or given blank stares--both common reactions.  It has long been my belief that if you live in another lingual setting it is your duty to make and effort to communicate in the common language.  But after a year of struggle, I now have an entirely new empathy for those who do not speak a country's native language.

It is hard. Very hard.

Simple things, like going to the grocery store, became things that I dreaded.  My little neighbourhood store had no English speakers.  To make it more challenging, you had to ask for anything that was fresh--vegetables, meat, cheese.  No just picking your own.  My first attempt at getting leaf lettuce (Kräutersalat) was met with giggles from the girl getting the vegetables.  She repeated how to say it correctly.  I tried. More giggles.  That rolling/hard r sound is impossible for me.  We repeated this scene for weeks before the day she threw her hands up and said "you got it right" (in English because she practiced with me after a while). Those first attempts were demoralising. To be laughed at week in and week out just to get lettuce.

    Or there was the day that I was buying a whole chicken (Huhn).  I knew how to ask and low and behold it worked she immediately pulled a chicken from the case.  My tutor had told me they would ask if I wanted it cut up (that word I don't remember).  She asked a question about cutting it, I said ja and she went away and came back with it cut and wrapped.  Success, I thought.  Imagine my dismay when I got home to discover that she had indeed cut it up--in half--and I only had half a chicken.  For dinner in an hour for my family of five.  Did I say demoralising?




These are just easy examples of language difficulty outside native country.  I got to the point that I just didn't want to try to communicate anything when I was at home.  I was exhausted.  I just wanted to allow my mind to veg.  So I stopped writing much of anything.

This may sound like it is specific to living outside our home country, but I think it can generalize.  Sometimes, we stop communicating because the day-to-day communication is in a foreign language that exhausts us.  This world, this culture, is counter to our identity as children of God (more on this in a post to come).  We can spend the day trying to navigate a world between our sacred heart language and the world we live in.  We can become exhausted trying to navigate the negative and pessimistic culture around us.  We can get to the point that we just don't want to have to speak if not absolutely necessary.

You may recognise this.  You spend your day navigating the murky waters of a work place where ambition is more highly regarded than integrity.  You say the politically correct thing to stay afloat even when it doesn't come naturally.  Nodding and smiling takes the place of speaking your heart. Then you come home and don't have the mental energy to switch gears and speak the sacred. So you think you will do it tomorrow.  Or, if you are a student, you walk the path of choosing words that are true and what the professor wants to hear, but may not be your deepest truth. Then, when it comes time to speak or write of your inmost thoughts, there is no energy left to summon it.  We can lose our words as we navigate the foreign language of the world.  

I know that I must find ways to protect my energy, so that I still have the perseverence to speak my heart's language when so many around me do not want to hear or do not understand that language.  Becoming bi-lingual is a must or I become too exhausted to speak.  But, how?

I was struck this week, again, as I read the words of Mark 1:35,

Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed.

Jesus was navigating a "foreign" world with a "foreign" language.  He was away from the perfection of his world.  How did he cope?  He got by himself and he prayed.  He found a place to speak his heart language.  He didn't lose touch with who he was whilst he did the things he was called to do.

I wonder, if that is the key for me to not lose my voice in a foreign world?  It is true, that quiet time and concentrated prayer times are often among the first things to go when I am overwhelmed with life.  That just adds to the spiral of being more and more overwhelmed.  If I am to navigate in a world that speaks a different language than my heart, I must find places and time to speak my heart language.  I must find the time to pray and stay in the word.  I must also find time to speak with those who speak the same language.  Otherwise my speech skills become rusty and I become discouraged, at best, or apathetic at worst.  Even this die-hard introvert needs people!  I need people to come along, encourage, commiserate and hold to account.  And, I need to be that for others.

My friends, if you are losing your voice, if you find you don't have the energy to say another word of anything important, please take some time and reconnect.  Reconnect with God and with others who can speak to the things of God. Reconnect with your heart-language.   Reconnect with me.  I need you.  I need your words, and I am certain others do as well.

God Bless!

photos from www.morguefile.com

July Goal Post

 

My last goal post was in March.  March!  I am not even sure I remember which of these I managed to succeed at, and which I failed.  But here goes:

In March I said:
1.  Complete 1/2 block on AAHRH--I think yes, because I am on track with this project
2.  Get next unfinished RR to 50% (Fish Bowl)--I actually finished this project in May!
3.  Stitch 2 bride's tree ornaments--Have stayed on track with the ornaments as well!
4.  Finish those 2 books!--I finished one, abandoned one, started/finished one, and started 3 more ;)
5.  Blog at least once a week--LOL!
6.  Plan a trip home--yes, it was awesome
7.  Write 2 letters--no

In July I plan to:
1.  Complete AAHRH (3 blocks to go, so this is a stretch)
2.  Complete one Bride's Tree ornament, this will complete one set
3.  Blog at least 2 times
4.  Enjoy chilling on the beach
5.  Read a book
6.  Plan for next year's science programme for Jewel

Finding Myself

I don't know whether to apologise for not being here, or quietly ignore the fact that it has been months since I have posted anything to note, much less of note, or to just simply start again.

I don't know why I'm surprised it happened.  I sort of lost myself and stopped writing.  Spent more time holding it in my head and less time putting it on paper.  In some ways it has been good--just enjoying and living life without the scrutiny of putting it out there.  But in other ways it has been lonely--since writing is one of my favourite companions.  Truth is, four moves in four years (3 of them international) has taken its toll.  We are all weary of making transitions and making new friends and starting anew.  Even coming "back" to a place we loved before is full of new transitions.  There is a new house, a new village, a new stage of school, a new church building, new friends, lost friends that have moved on.  Well, you get the idea.  And my family is weary.  But this introverted-mother-leader of the family is particularly weary. So I go silent.

There is a song by MercyMe that goes like this...

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say

The period of a loss for words has been beneficial.  God has been faithful and we have felt ourselves held in his hands and guided in this last move.  I have enjoyed this time, even whilst understanding the bittersweet of it.  We are settling well.  We have our feet under us.  The house is unpacked and very comfortable.  I have finally framed so many of those cross-stitch pieces done through the years, and the house is decorated uniquely us.  The kids are happy and thriving.  The girls are becoming young women before my very eyes, and it is scary and lovely at the same time.  At least the little one still loves to cuddle in my arms and here "nother tory" and does not mind if I nuzzle that toddler smell in the nape of his neck.  There is a new house group at church that we have the privilege to initiate and lead.  I have so needed a ministry outlet, and at last we again have one as a couple.  I still yearn for a Ladies Bible Study, but am believing that it will come.  We have returned to home educating and 2/3 of us love it (one child misses the classroom but loves that we are on our own schedule again).  We will be breaking our school year in two weeks and going to visit friends and chill on the beach.  A much anticipated time of rejuvenating.  We all need it.  There is something about sea spray.

As beneficial as it has been, it has also been limiting.  I lost that voice, and my soul-well-being has suffered.  I've stuffed feelings and I've hoarded thoughts and I've missed opportunities.  And so, now I come back here.  I come back to find myself, and re-capture the joy of writing and sharing.  I am ready to find my words, to try to communicate a little of what God speaks into my life.  I am not going to promise that I'll be here frequently, at least not at first.  But I've missed you and want to share in your lives again.  Part of sharing is being willing and able to put mine out there as well.  Maybe together we will move a little further on this journey.  Welcome back.

March Goal Post

Review of February Goals:

February Goals:

1. Complete 1 block on AAHRH--YES! plus 1/2 of the next block
2. Complete border on Tea Sampler--YES! plus the rest of the project!
3. Write 8 blog posts--only 4 ;-(
4. Finish 2 books--still plodding through the two I started in January, but I did start a 3rd (lol)
5. Write 2 letters--no
6. Help Jewel plan large research project--90% planned now to start

March Goals:

1.  Complete 1/2 block on AAHRH
2.  Get next unfinished RR to 50% (Fish Bowl)
3.  Stitch 2 bride's tree ornaments
4.  Finish those 2 books!
5.  Blog at least once a week
6.  Plan a trip home
7.  Write 2 letters

Things that Keep Me Humble

As a homeschooling Mom of two pre-teens and a SAHM of a toddler, there are multiple means utilized to keep me humble.  Here are but a couple of examples to preserve for posterity sake.

The toddler is developing quite a vocabulary.  Which is good.  He speaks in typical baby speak, which is not always so good.  The scene is the church foyer where I am visiting with a friend and he is watching out the window.  The room is fairly packed with parents waiting for children.
Tree:  a taxi. Mom a taxi. Look!
Tree: dere a bus! itsa bus!
Tree:  Blue car, geen car, are there lellow cars Mum?
Tree:  (jumping up and down)  (insert R-rated word near the name of another mode of transportation)
(witness one of the dad's almost fall over laughing)

After church we always spend time discussing what the girls learned in Sunday Club and what we heard in the sermon.  Jewel has just finished telling us about Timothy and some of the characteristics young people can learn from him.  Flower has talked about the Israelites disobeying God (agaaaain!) and what we should learn.  German tells the girls that we heard a sermon on the Fruit of the Spirit.
German:  So, what is the first fruit of the Spirit?
Jewel:  Is it grapes?
(witness me attempt to pick my jaw up off the table)
(yes I told her that this would get blogged!)
Guess what we will be studying this week in Bible time?

 

Keep smiling!  Have a great day! 

photos downloaded www.morguefile.com

Five Minute Friday--Garden

A reminder of the Five Minute Friday "rules"
1.  Write for 5 minutes (set the timer!) on the topic at hand
2.  Link your post at www.lisajobaker.com
3.  Go back and encourage the person who linked up just before you did

Simple. Get's the creative juices flowing and allows for encouraging others.

This week's topic is:  GARDEN

I grew up on a farm.  I spent more hours than I like to think of helping to tend the garden.  I.hated.it.  I am not an outdoorsy kind of gal.  I don't like getting my hands dirty. And (then) I didn't really like the taste of vegetables.  The melons, yes. The squash, never.

Besides that I have definitively non-green thumbs.  My mother used to say that my brother needed to tend the houseplants, because I would kill them.  Experience taught this lesson well.

So, why then, do I sometimes wistfully dream of growing my own?  As I eat another tasteless cucumber from the market and remember how good home-grown was. Or I remember the winter taste of my grandmother's preserved black-eyed peas.  There is a part of me that dreams of growing my own.

But then I look at the pitiful houseplant attempting to survive its mistress' benign neglect and remember that I am no gardener.

I guess I'll have to settle for not-so-perfect veg from the shop. And be thankful that God has made others into gardeners.

(time's up)

Thanks for dropping by today.  Please visit LisaJo and read about her amazing gardening project!  Have a blessed weekend!

Sustainable

In discussions recently about a new ministry opportunity, one of the participants commented that they first wanted to know that it would be sustainable. I think it was probably a pointed remark about whether or not we would be here long enough to invest time in an endeavor with us. (That happens a lot as an expat that moves around, not everyone wants to invest in a friendship that they see as 'short-term'). I let the pointed end of the comment slide, but the thought continued to bounce around in my head. I could not put my finger on why the word "sustainable" was bothering me so. Then, a single quiet thought pierced my confusion,

"I'm so glad God did not wait until I was sustainable before offering me salvation."

God didn't say, "When she stops being prideful, I will forgive her." Nor did he condition any of my multiple returns to the throne with, "Prove that you will change this time." To the contrary, "while [I] was still in my sin" he forgave. (Romans 5:8)

Nothing that is in our control is truly sustainable. This is especially true of ministry.

We had a discussion with Jewel this past week where she asked if it was okay if "witnessing doesn't work".  Of course, what she meant was if someone does not immediately make a decision. We however took the path of how do we know when ministry "works".  We may only be the seed-planters, or the waterers, or the encouragers along someone's path to faith.  Who are we to say that it works or doesn't?  Judgement should not be our role.

The ministry opportunity is moving forward.  It is such a joy!  I'm in a position to teach again after a long period that seemed like a drought but was more God preparing me.  Is it sustainable?  I can't say.  Will I be here to see it to fruition?  Yes.  Because God's fruition is for me to be faithful in serving when he opens opportunities.  Will it be all that the group hopes to happen?  Probably not, because we often dream differently than God plans.  But I trust that it will all be good.

"Christ arrives right on time to make this happen. He didn’t, and doesn’t, wait for us to get ready. He presented himself for this sacrificial death when we were far too weak and rebellious to do anything to get ourselves ready. And even if we hadn’t been so weak, we wouldn’t have known what to do anyway. We can understand someone dying for a person worth dying for, and we can understand how someone good and noble could inspire us to selfless sacrifice. But God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to him" Romans 5:7-9, The Message

Is there something in your life you are waiting to do because you are unsure if you can sustain it?  Let go and let God sustain what he has destined.  Be blessed this week!

Goal Review and Setting

It is time for a monthly review of goals and to set some new ones. January was pretty successful!

January Goals:
1. Complete 1/2 block on AAHRH--Yes!
2. Complete 1/2 border on Tea Sampler--Yes, plus a little more!
3. Read 2 books--1/2 way through Bloody Foreigners: Immigration in Britain, 1/4 way through JB Cranfill's Chronicles
4. Post 8 blog posts--Yes!
5. Write 2 letters--Yes!
6. Find missing cross stitch to frame--no, but it was too cold to go through boxes in the garage

February Goals:

1. Complete 1 block on AAHRH
2. Complete border on Tea Sampler
3. Write 8 blog posts
4. Finish 2 books
5. Write 2 letters
6. Help Jewel plan large research project

photo credit: purchased at istock.com

Five Minute Friday--Looking for a Hero

The topic this week is HERO

GO:

Everyone is gathering in the school halls to collect the children about to be released. In he walks. He zooms around the room. Today he is wearing a spider man costume. Often it is a batman costume. Always a costume.

He is a three-year old super hero. Happily chatting away with anyone who comes his way.

Adorable.

All the little girls swoon at him. Competing for his attention.

All the moms smile affectionately. He is so personable, we all have fallen in love with him.

And my two year old. He follows every move, mesmerized. This little hero was his first friend. And his first hero, outside of his daddy.

Everyone is looking for a hero. Whether you are the two year old gazing adoringly at the three year old in costume or his momma looking for a hero amongst the ladies chatting. We all want someone to look at us....and occasionally rescue us...from the mundane of our lives.

Kind of humbling to realize I'm looking for a hero among the crowd. Shaking my head I wonder how many of them are also looking for a hero? Wonder if they ever look at me. *laughing* They would be sadly let down if I'm their hero. Just like I'm let down when I make them mine.

Must remember to keep my eyes on the true Hero.

Stop.

Join the ladies at lisajobaker.com writing what they think when they hear of heroes. You'll be blessed!

Five Minute Friday: Learning to Visit

Blogger wouldn't play nice yesterday, so I am doing a "Five Minute Saturday". This week's topic is VISIT.

GO

The giggles pour in from the other room. They are having a "smart tea party" complete with real tea cups, sugar cubes and milk. They pass the sandwiches. "Would you like another, Madam?" That's the rule, all sentences must end with "madam". More giggles. More sharing.

Their voices drop as they talk about this, about that. All of a sudden one asks, "Do you know all of the Lord's Prayer?" They begin to recite it. They correct each other and eventually get it right. Why the Lord's Prayer? Who knows. Why does any conversation go the way it goes?

They talk about school, about the weather and about church. They tell jokes and tease one another. They talk quietly and seriously and they talk loudly and boisterously.

Then it hits me, standing in the next room ready to make more tea, these little girls are growing up. They are not playing at a grown-up tea. They are having a grown-up tea. They are learning the art of how to carry on a conversation and visit. They are learning the charms of their nature.

It makes me smile. This visit from these little girls. And it reminds me I need to visit with my girlfriends as well. Maybe I'll call one up to meet me for a cup of tea soon.

STOP


Thank you for visiting my little corner of the web. I hope that you will come again. To read more brave writer's visiting on the topic of VISIT please join us at lisajobaker.com

Five Minute Friday--Let me Encourage you to join

So, I've been attempting to write along with Lisa Jo on Fridays at her Five Minute Friday. It may seem like a strange thing, to limit yourself to a one-word topic and only five minutes. But it is so much more than a topic and a few minutes. It is an encouragement.

It is an encouragement that whatever is on your heart is worth pouring out. It may be messy. It may not be polished. You may look back later and cringe at the glaring grammar mistake or the seemingly lack of coherence. But perfect grammar and beautiful construction is not the purpose. Giving voice to the things inside you is the purpose. They matter--before they are polished. So it encourages me to say what is in there. Sometimes there is more to say, and I write it out later. But it is the initial encouragement to just write.

It is an encouragement to use a little time to do what I love. It is only five minutes. Even on my busiest day, I can take five minutes. And when the five minutes is complete, I am encouraged that what I value is worth the time.

It is an encouragement to read what others are saying. The one-word prompts are open-ended so there is loads of interpretation. It is great to get a different perspective on a common theme.

It is an encouragement to have others read my words. The most important rule of Five Minute Friday is to visit your neighbour and encourage them. I won't lie, I love the feedback.

So it is not a strange little exercise to take part in on a Friday. It is an encouragement. I would encourage you to give it a try--there isn't anything difficult about it. In fact, I just did it---today's word is ENCOURAGEMENT!

Blessings on your day and your weekend.

To read more ENCOURAGing words, please visit Lisa Jo. You will be encouraged.

Thankful Thursday--Leadership

Today I am grateful for a godly husband's leadership.  Without going into detail, we were facing a situation that was uncomfortable.  Not end-of-the-world bad or even really shake-the-world bad, but uncomfortable.  I would have loved to have been an ostrich with head in the sand.  But, he didn't allow that.  He asked me to take a first step ("you won't like it, but I need you to....") and then he followed up by doing the harder riskier thing.  And both actions went well, and things are much less uncomfortable--actually they are very good.

So I am thankful that he is willing to step in and lead even when it isn't fun.

What are you Thankful for today?  Join others at Grace Alone to share our gratitude.

Five Minute Friday--SEE

  It's Friday, so time for the "writing flash mob" over at LisaJo Baker's blog.  This week's writing prompt is: SEE

 Timer set, GO:

He pulls at my glasses and demands that he wants glasses, "I need see." Emphatically shaking his head.  He's so cute and determined it is tempting to just run right down to the store and get them.

But I don't, because he does not need them.

He stomps into the room wearing his $2 sunglasses bought for those rare sunny days.  He has them on upside down, using the elastic band to hold them on his head.  He declares, "I see."  We all suppress our giggles.

He sits down with a book and proceeds to begin reading.  Then gets frustrated.  He throws off the dark glasses and says "I don't see."

I find him amusing and endearing.  But he also teaches me so much.  How often do I reach for the thing that I think will make me like the others only to be told I do not need it?  How often do I insist on wearing the fashionable when it is not useful?  How often do I do the very thing that blinds me when I am trying to see?

What lessons do I need to see in my two-year-old's antics?   Hopefully I am willing to see the truths that are being taught.

STOP

Come and join the fun!  Have a great weekend.

Thankful Thursday--A Beautiful Day in the Neighbourhood

It's been a long time since I participated in Thankful Thursday at Grace Alone.  But with the multitude of changes that have taken place in our lives the past three years, I'm encouraging the girls to look for the gratefulness instead of the grumbling.  Maybe I should practice what I preach!

This week I'm thankful that we live in a place that did not have the extreme weather in many parts of our circle of the world.  We had some wind, but none of the gales that tormented much of this country.  The very small part of our fence that came down has already been put back up by the landlord!  We had normal temperatures for this time of year.  None of the frigidness our US family has faced.  Although living near a river, there was never any thought of flooding.

We have been warm, secure and without weather stress.

And I'm grateful.

January 2014 Goals

I find that I really do accomplish more when I post my goals somewhere.  So, it is a discipline that I will continue here in 2014 (plus it is a nice record at the end of the year to see what was accomplished).  I do have a master 2014 goal list, but will only post the monthly progress reports here.

So without further adieu,

DECEMBER goals:
1. Four Christmas ornaments --only did 3 since there was no board ornament exchange this year
2. One block on Autumn at Hawk Run Hollow--completed 1/2
3. Christmas cards--done
4. Enjoy Christmas--thoroughly

January Goals:
1.  Complete 1/2 block on AAHRH
2.  Complete 1/2 border on Tea Sampler
3.  Read 2 books
4.  Post 8 blog posts
5.  Write 2 letters
6.  Find missing cross stitch to frame

photo credit: purchased at www.istock.com

Five Minute Fridays---FIGHT

Joining with the amazing writers that write for Five Minutes every Friday at Lisa Jo's place.  Just five minutes, to get something on screen--less edited, more real.  This week's prompt is: FIGHT

GO:

They are arguing again. Over who's turn it is to do something. Or who left the book on the floor. Or where the sweater should be.  They argue, they fight.  Comes with being sisters who are sharing a room (one that is less space than the last room they shared). They fight because they are both head-strong and confident and independent and hate to yield.

And I fight to hold a little self-control and not shout at them to get along. And sometimes I lose that fight, but sometimes I win.

Then just when I think I cannot take any more, I hear singing. And giggling. And joyful chatter. Because they do that. They stop fighting and start enjoying each other's company. They do that because they are sisters.

And now I am fighting to not smile and tease them about liking each other.  Usually I lose the fight to not smile. 

They fight...and they love...because they are sisters.

STOP.

New Year Reflections 2014

It is time for the annual review and choosing a “year word” to guide my learning this year.  Last year I wrote, 

First, I believe that 2013 is a year of TRANSFORMATION. Now, that word in and of itself is terrifying to me. I am a creature of habit and change is not always my friend (yes, you can laugh knowing how many changes that our family has made in the last 3 years). I prefer quiet and home and the transformations in our lifestyle over the last few years I have known were preparing me for something. Maybe this is year I will more clearly define the something. The verse that accompanies this thought is probably obvious but here it is:

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
Romans 12:2 (ESV)

This year I want to be intentional about the things that I put into my mind, that I put things to memory that will transform me and edify me and aid me in edifying others.
Secondly, I believe that 2013 is a year of EMERGING from one way of life into something that God has been preparing me for all along. I don't know exactly what that is yet, but I believe that it will involve a more intentional emphasis on ministry and writing than I have had in the last few years. I can't wait to see what is planned!

In 2013, I did not emerge from the chaos of the year before.  No, I probably became even more entangled. I did not intentionally write much of anything. I did not see huge transformations in my life (other than yet another international move that was far from what I intended when I wrote those reflections).  I did not do much of anything at all with the words that I chose for 2013.

And, yet, I do not believe that it was a failure.

The words that are imprinted on my heart at the beginning of the year are just that---words.  I can use them to guide me and give me boundaries of purpose as I study and learn. I can allow them to give me freedom to explore new areas that I believe God is making me tender. Or, I can make them legalistic tools that dictate my writing and reading and reflecting. If I do the latter, I lose the joy of the year.  Last January I was truly excited about the pictures of metamorphosis I was seeing and knew that the picture could explain some of my yearning.  But I had no idea what God had in mind.  Yes, our life was transformed. Yes I did some things intentionally and furthered those foundations. But, no, it was not as I had planned.  I am choosing to believe that it is more of a success to keep getting up and follow as faithfully as I can what God is showing me than it is a failure to not have brilliant commentary on a couple of words chosen in faith.

So it is with more than a little apprehension that I choose a word for the 2014.  On Christmas morning, one of the ministers at our church was preaching on Simeon and Anna.  He said

 “Simeon was a man ready to recognize the work of the Spirit on the most significant of days only because he had walked with the Spirit on thousands of seemingly insignificant days…..Simeon had been promised he would not die before seeing the Messiah….So Simeon had waited and believed. And waited and believed. And waited and believed. For how long, we don’t precisely know. Years. Decades maybe. Through them all he waited and he believed.”

There are promises I have heard breathed in my heart and spirit.  I believe that they will come to fruition.  On Christmas morning some of those promises were re-whispered in my heart along with the admonition…Wait, and believe.  

My word for 2014 is WAIT.  I am not totally sure for what I am waiting.  It involves ministry and writing and family.  In the waiting I expect to find growth and contentment, but mostly I expect to find the Spirit teaching me to BELIEVE even when the timing is not my own.  As the sermon’s word on Christmas morning reminded me, “God’s people are a waiting people,” I want to be a waiting follower looking for what God is preparing for me.  

Thank you for waiting with me in 2013 when I was quiet. I am glad I have friends who have stayed with me.  As we wait on the Lord this year, may we find together meaning in what we see and experience.

God’s loyal love couldn’t have run out,
    his merciful love couldn’t have dried up. They’re created new every morning.
    How great your faithfulness! I’m sticking with God (I say it over and over).
    He’s all I’ve got left.

 God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
    to the woman who diligently seeks. It’s a good thing to quietly hope,
    quietly hope for help from God. It’s a good thing when you’re young
    to stick it out through the hard times.

Lamentations 3:22-27 (The Message)

What I Might Have Written

What might I have written if I had written this year?

I might have written about first Independence Day celebrations


 


and seeing amazing architecture

and eating amazing food.

Maybe I would have written about birthdays:

or Christmas presents and Christmas lights

Or a first-ever girls-only trip to Poland

I could have shown you Fairy Tale German Castles:

and German Cathedrals:

and English Cathedrals:

I might have written about school celebrations


I could have written about rediscovering favourite places

I might have even written about the bitter-sweetness of saying good-byes and making yet another international move. Or the elation of returning to a place we have previously loved.


I might have written many things.  But, alas, I did not.  If I had, you would have seen a little of the joy, the sadness, the laughter and even the tears.  Mostly you would have seen this chaotic thing that I call life and (maybe) caught a glimpse of the One who helps me navigate the chaos.  I've missed you.  I hope to be here more.  There are thoughts bouncing around this head that need a place to be voiced.  There are things to record for the pure joy of remembering.  There are others to recount so that lessons are not lost.  Looking forward to a year of new beginnings and re-starts of old passions.

Happy Year's End My Friends.  May 2014 Bring Us Together More.

Five Minute Fridays-SHE

I know it has been far too long since I wrote.  Life is incredibly busy.  I hope to be more regular in writing soon.  Until then, the 5 Minute Fridays cues always intrigue me and challenge me, but this one drew me in, reminding me of what I had just witnessed.  So, for 5 minutes, here I go:

SHE

She catches my eye from across the bus.  She tosses her hair--in a messy ponytale-off of her shoulder.  The sun catches the red glints in her blonde tresses.  A beauty.  "I wonder how her Dad will cope with all the boys," I muse.

She is talking with a friend.  Oblivious to all the commotion around her.  Totally focused on her friend's face and their conversation. She tosses her head back and laughs heartily. Just then, she notices me watching. She ducks her head, slightly embarrassed to have been caught, smiles slyly and continues her conversation.

She probably doesn't realise that she draws eyes with her beauty and her confidence. She wouldn't want to know that. But she does, and it makes me smile.

"Thank you God for giving her to me," I silently whisper.  I'll never know why I was so blessed. But I am thankful. She is mine.

Stop

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