How Easy are You to Know?

Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you.
1 Thessalonians 4:11

Tuesday, the girls and I joined three other moms and their kids for a picnic. It was impromptu and great fun. Two of the moms are good friends of mine who are a part of the Bible Study I lead. The third lady, N, is fairly new to the church. She is a neighbor, but I do not know her very well. She was unable to attend my neighborhood BBQ and a few minutes on a Sunday morning really does not assure that you can *know* someone. N and I were the first ones to arrive. The initial conversation flowed like this:

N: "I don't know you so well and I'm sorry that we not able to come to you BBQ but it was lovely for you invite us but J (the host for the picnic) says that I won't know you too quickly." (said rapid-fire, as one sentence and in slightly broken English as written)
me: (slightly unnerved by the last part, laughing): I guess I'm known to be an introvert. I'm sorry you couldn't come. There will be others I'm sure.
N: "Well, it is good to keep things private." Then she proceeds to tell me her life story. In fact, I know, among other things:
*her age
*her kids' ages
*previous places she has lived
*names of at least 5 friends in those previous homes
*how long she has been married
*some rather intimate reasons why her marriage is ending
*her concerns for her future regarding home and children
*three things she plans to accomplish this week
*how much she loves our host

The conversation lasted less than ten minutes. I was wondering what "things" were good to keep private, lol.

But it also really made me think. I don't believe I am that difficult to know, but I don't give people my life history in a nutshell. I've struggled this week with how do I keep the balance between "won't know you quickly" and "whole story in 10 minutes" for myself. I've come up with 4 questions which seem to govern how much I share. I'm interested to know how you keep the balance in your own lives.

My first question is "Will it hurt or help the listener's faith walk if I share this?" Sometimes I find myself sharing things I would normally consider private because of where the other person is struggling and I feel sharing will encourage them. But more often, I find myself believing that I am just muddying their waters with my junk, so I keep quiet. In the case of N, she is a seeker from another faith tradition and culture. She very much wants faith to be neatly wrapped and handed to her. She struggles with the simplicity of just accepting Jesus. If I were to really share the things that God is challenging me in my life through circumstances, the messiness of my life of faith would only confuse her. I'm actually enjoying a place in my life where I experience that God and faith are so much more than I can neatly wrap up--that it is wild and vibrant and surprising and growing. But that would not benefit her where she is right now.

My second test is, "Will it lead to dissension among believers if I share this?" Beth Moore, in Believing God, encourages us to know the difference between issues of faith and our personal stands. There are some things that are stands for us, things that the Holy Spirit has led us to do or not do, that may be different from other believers. I am thinking about things such as modes of worship, ways of clothing ourselves, books we read, movies we see---I am NOT thinking about things such as whether Jesus is the Son of God. My freedom in Christ is expressed different than yours. I may be more free or more limited depending on the Spirit's direction for my life. So, wildly broadcasting what I am led to do or not do, may at times lead to dissension. That, for me, is the essence of Paul's message in 1 Timothy 2:8-9: we are called to be discreet. Discreet because telling too much or showing too much may lead to too much dissension then worship is impeded.

The third test is "Is this something between me and God?" Matthew 6:6 commands us to pray in secret, not calling attention to ourselves. Sometimes I need to be just dealing with God, and not seeking just anyone and every one's input.

Finally, "Does it dishonor someone else?" As N was telling me about her husband, whom I have never met, and sharing things I did not need to know this was the pain in my heart. I could not discern if she was sharing out of vindictiveness or if she was asking for someone to normalize and validate it by saying "everyone thinks that way." But ultimately she simply clouded my ability to make my own evaluation should I ever meet him. When I consider sharing things about my husband and my children, I frequently ask myself if it dishonors them. Does it tear them down or build them up? If it is the former, then I shouldn't say it. So, more often than not, family stuff remains totally private. Good stuff and bad stuff--because I am not going to dishonor them by telling their stories.

Using these four tests, I find that often things are just better left unsaid. But I still struggle with the balance at times. If I keep everything private then I become isolated, selfish, self-righteous, stand-offish and my growth is stunted. How do I prevent that? I'm a strong (some people would say fanatical) advocate that every believer needs at least one person other than their spouse to whom they are accountable; someone who knows the secrets and sin struggles and has permission to ask the hard questions. I base this in part on Titus 2:3-5, Galatians 6:1-2, 1 Corinthians 12, Hebrews 10:24 and Ecclesiastes 4:9-10. But accountability is a post for another day. Also, I am an advocate that we need to be in a faith community of some kind. We need to be around other believers who sharpen us and challenge us and teach us. Finally (actually firstly) we need to be developing an intimate relationship with Jesus through prayer and Bible Study. He will never lead us to live in isolation. It is amazing how often God frees me to share something because He has already dealt with me on it.

So, how about you? How easy are you to know? How do you keep the balance? I can't wait to read your input.

photo credit: phaewik on morguefile.com