Private ramblings about Melancholy things

First an apology to my IE readers, I'm trying to figure out how to make the Passions title align with the lily, but none of the fixes are working. If I can't get it sorted this weekend, I'll probably have to find a more IE friendly template. *sigh*

Second apology, that this is a very melancholy, just what's on my mind entry. Feel free to skip it if you're not into that kind of thing. It was a just a few private ramblings in my head that found their way to paper and now to blog.

Disconnected. Is that a feeling? I think that is how I'd describe my state of mind at the moment. I'm not depressed. I'm not unhappy. I'm just not "connecting" with anything.

I think it started with beginning to say good-bye to a series of exPat friends returning to the States and other parts of the world. Over the last few months, 3 families have left. In the next 3 weeks, two more will go. The exodus began with my closest exPat friend, my soul mate with whom I would walk and share my heart for hours, and she would do the same. And although we continue to share our hearts in IM and email, it just isn't the same. I feel like a part of me is missing. Disconnected....from a best friend.

Then my husband's closest exPat friend, who was his friend long before we all became exPats, left. Saying good-bye to that family was heart-wrenching. The wife and I have not been close for years, but I had held out hope that it could change. With them leaving, I feel that hope is fading. Disconnected....from possible restoration.

DH is loving his new job and it is so good. But for the last year we have lived on a high of God's absolute direction of going into an unknown world. It was amazing! But now that it is made known, we are back to the mundane. Not that God is not still revealing Himself--He is in amazing ways, but it is more the day-to-day real life. It is more of a walk on the plain of faith not the mountaintop leaps. I know that we can't live on the highs, but they are so much fun! So I'm disconnected....from the ecstasy of a mountain-top relationship.

Then there is the unpacking the stuff stored for the past five years in the States. There have been found treasures--a set of children's books I desperately want to share with the girls, my grandfather's Stetson hat (need to frame this in a shadow box), my grandmother's Bible, my wedding flowers, and a very old copy of Jane Eyre that was my great aunt's when she was a child. But there have also been bitter sweet memories--the video from two ultrasounds before lost pregnancies, cards of condolence from those losses, and journals of not-so-great times. Parts of my past who make me who I am but hurt to remember. So, disconnected...from a far away past.

Once upon a time I enjoyed these melancholy periods. Times when I could withdraw and regroup. Times I could spend writing and praying and reflecting. I'm struggling this time. Maybe because with two little ones I don't have the luxury to withdraw for more than an hour's naptime a day? Maybe I'm just too busy? The disconnection will pass, and I'll be richer on the other side, but right now I just crave some alone time to reconnect.