In Other Words....Emotional Purity

"We women must realize how visual men are, and because of that we should wear modest clothes. Not because we don't have the right to wear what we want, but for the benefit of the spiritual life of our brothers in Christ."

~ Heather Arnel Paulsen ~
Emotional Purity: An Affair of the Heart

If I'm being perfectly honest, this quote does not inspire me. Perhaps it is because dressing modestly is not an issue for me--for years I didn't want anyone to see any part of my body so I happily covered it up and in the past few years I have concentrated on pleasing my husband in my dress, and his preference is attractive but modest. I do live in a culture that celebrates the immodest (even more so than the US). Many a discussion takes place between my husband and myself about how inappropriately people were dressed at different functions (work parties, cafes, even church). But since it is not an issue I struggle with, I find it hard to seriously address.

But Emotional Purity, the topic of the book that the quote came from, now that is something that interests me. How do we keep ourselves emotionally pure in our relationships with other men? How do we not lead them on in such a way that they lose their emotional purity? Those are tough questions that we should consider at some point in our Christian walk.

My closest friends have always been male. In high school and college, if I was going to turn to someone with the deep questions in my heart, it would be a male friend. They were more apt to tell me the truth than empathize with me and I like that quality. When we were all single, this issue was not nearly as difficult. We would meet for coffee, get ice cream, go for a walk, or sit in our mothers' living rooms and share our hearts. When we lived apart, we would spend hours on the phone sharing our prayer needs and praying together. We even, at times, talked about the "what if" this relationship could be more than friendship, but we always came to the conclusion that it wasn't what God intended. Everyone around us probably saw us as people out on a date--emotional connectedness looks like physical connectedness in many ways. But we remained emotionally pure by always being honest about what the relationship was...and what it was not.

That was very important as we all got married. Actually, the two guys I spent the most time with at college got married first. One of them even said that it was so great that he could reassure his fiance that nothing had ever happened physically in our friendship because we had always talked about why nothing was going to happen. Unfortunately, that friendship wasted away after he got married. His new wife had never had a "just male friend" and was threatened by it. One of the bases of an honest male-female friendship is that you willingly walk away if it is threatening the greater relationship of marriage. It is hard--but it is what keeps it pure. If we had continued a relationship (all by phone at this point due to distance) against her wishes we would have both been emotionally unfaithful--him to his wife and me to our friendship. Choosing emotional purity often means we can't take the easy road.

I am thankful that in the other friendship he married a good friend of mine. In fact, she was my friend before either of us met him (and no, I didn't set them up). Since she already knew my heart, she was less threatened. And we occassionally talk on the phone and catch up and share our deepest prayer requests. More often, we correspond in emails that our spouses are allowed to see. And the few times we have met since getting married, one of our spouses has been present. Some people say that we are overly cautious--but we would rather err on the side of caution than for there ever to be a hint to ourselves, our spouses, or anyone looking in that the relationship is anything but pure.

Commitment to emotional purity in relationships is for our sake, but it is also for the sake of others. Spouses want to trust--but we hear stories everyday of good Christian people succombing to an affair, and often those affairs start in a relationship to talk about problems or finding someone to share hurts and get advice. If we have talked about the boundaries with our spouse and with the other party, that kind of temptation is less likely. I love my husband and never want to give him a reason to doubt his trust in me. I love the fact that he is someone other people, men and women, trust with their problems. But I don't ever want to have to worry that someone is blurring the line with him. Boundaries of emotional purity enable us to share with others without worry. But they are also for the sake of others. Two last examples, because I think that they are important.

When Jewel was a baby, German was participating in the Christmas program at church and Jewel was going to be baby Jesus. So she and I attended most of the practices. At one practice I had a migraine. I asked the director's husband (a good friend) to give me a lift home so German would not have to leave rehearsal. Since he and his wife have a pact not to be alone with the opposite gender, he asked the boyfriend of another participant to come along. That boyfriend was a seeker, but not yet a believer. After they dropped me at home, my friend was able to share why he needed a "chaperone" and about Biblical pureness. It made an impression. Now the boyfriend is a Christian and a husband and I have heard him admonish others on pureness. Others are impacted when we take a stand for pureness.

My final story shows the sadness that the stand can take--and why it is so important. For years we spent, as a couple, lots of time with another couple. The husband in that relationship and I have a lot in common and became quite close. We never allowed ourselves to be alone together--one of our spouses, other friends or his teenage children were always present. Their marriage hit some very rough waters and lots of accusations flew. Some of those accusations were made to my husband about me and his friend. We knew they were not true, but it is hard to defend yourself in the face of total ugliness. But my husband had no doubt about the verity of the statements because he knew that we were never alone together. No doubt. Total trust. Because we have stood for emotional purity. Sadly, due to this situation, our friend is even more vulnerable. We (husband, friend, and myself) all decided it would be best if he and I were not together except in the presence of both spouses--an absolute impossibility with his wife's refusal to be with us. So, I lose a relationship. But purity wins. (added note...my husband is still friends with him and we pray that his marriage will one day be restored and our friendship as couples can be repaired).

Some people say that I am too legalistic in expecting boundaries in relationships. I believe that God calls us to honesty and fullness in relationships. Those things cannot happen if we are forever wondering "how far is too far." The world sees us when we take a stand for purity. They notice when we dress and act differently than culture allows. I want to give myself fully in relationships. And in order to do that with male friends, I need boundaries. I don't want a Christian brother to ever get the wrong idea. I don't want their wives to ever question our relationship. Purity matters. And I choose to stand for it.

The precepts of the LORD are right,
giving joy to the heart.
The commands of the LORD are radiant,
giving light to the eyes. Psalm 19:8

Who may ascend the hill of the LORD?
Who may stand in his holy place?

He who has clean hands and a pure heart,
who does not lift up his soul to an idol
or swear by what is false.

He will receive blessing from the LORD
and vindication from God his Savior.
Psalm 24:3-5

Father, God, we thank you that you have created us relational beings. We thank you that you can knit our hearts and our minds together with others. We ask that you keep our relationships pure. We ask for honesty in sharing but in sharing that honesty that we never imply that there is something else in the relationship. We thank you for spouses who trust us and that you guard our hearts and our minds against anything that could tarnish that trust. And, we ask for strength to draw boundary lines and walk away if anything should enter our relationships with friends that would dishonor you. Father use us to touch other people, but in that keep our hearts pure and focused on You. In Jesus' loving name, Amen.

Our hostess for In Other Words this week is Loni at Joy in the Morning. Come, read, share and be blessed.