I AM---Lesson 5 "I Was"

1. Have you ever found yourself 'in faith' yet bewildered or demoralized?

Yes. After miscarriage number two (at 14 weeks) I was totally 'in faith' that we would be or have the family that God intended. But I was still heartbroken, bewildered and confused why we were unable to have "this" child. It was compounded by the whys. The baby was trisomy-21 and the doctor said it just didn't make it. The week we learned the "why", friends at church had a beautiful little girl--trisomy21. I could not understand why ours didn't make it and theirs did. I still don't understand the why, but God did give us the family He intended.

2. Do you consider yourself content? Would you describe it as Decidedly Content or Dreamily Content?

I am content. I am dreamily content in that I love watching German with the girls and get that "how can I be so lucky" feeling. I walk through my house and review my life and am just amazed at how much God has blessed me. But I am also decidedly content. I choose to be happy wherever God (and the job) lead us, with the things that we are able to do, and the current situations. I could spend my life saying "what if" but that would be so much of a waste.

3. If you are not content, are there circumstances that keep you from this feeling?
I was tempted to just say "not applicable" but then I realized that a situation arose yesterday that I am unsettled and discontent over. I need to spend some time with God choosing to be content in it, even if it is decidedly going to a place that is NLIP.

4. Have you ever found yourself in a place where you looked back on a period of your Christian walk and believed a great opportunity passed you by?
Honestly, no. I look back and think "I could have done that better" or "I could have spoken sooner" or something along those lines. But I don't see "great opportunities" that pass me by. I try to keep the perspective that everything in the past shapes me to who I am in the present.

5. Do you ever believe your faith was stronger in an earlier time in your Christianity and find yourself floundering now?
I believe that I am in a great period of growing in and trusting God. I think my faith has changed over the years--become less childlike and more adult, more of a deliberate choice, more foundational. Yes, it has ebbed and flowed with life, but always seems stronger for the experience. Sometimes I am nostalgic for the "just loving and believing in God" faith I had as a child, but I really appreciate the faith I have now that is based up seeing God's faithfulness and believing Him no matter what.

6. Can you recognize that this season may be one of great preparation instead of a period of "I Was"?
I believe each season of our life is preparing and growing us for the next. It is in looking back to the periods of "I Was" I can see what God has kept me from being. I don't have to dwell on "I Was" (infertile, miscarriage, unbalanced in school/work/church life, disobedient, prideful or whatever) because God has brought me through those times (and continues to bring me through) to be the mentor and minister I am today. And He will take these times in my life, good and bad, to make me an even greater mentor and minister for the future. That is the glory of it---a life in Christ is never stagnant. Hallelujah!