Marriage Monday--3 Things Daughters Need to Know

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I have good intentions each month to participate in Marriage Mondays hosted by Chrysalis, but I always seem to fall short. But this month's topic, "Three Things Your Daughters Must Know About Her Marital Needs" finally got me to write.

My daughters are only five and almost three, so marriage is a long ways off. But this topic has been on my mind. Recently, at the Bridal Tea for a friend, guests were asked to help fill a book with advice. Much of what I'll write here is taken from what I told her. And most of it is fueled by the book Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. In fact, the first advice I gave my friend was read the book. Dr. Eggerichs gives good advice in an honest, funny and straight-forward manner with enough examples from his own marriage that you don't feel "he has it all together and no one else ever can." I know that by the time my little girls are allowed to date, fall in love and plan a wedding there will be a myriad of new books out there, but this one speaks to me right now.

The first thing I will tell them, is that the first year of marriage is HARD! I think so many people enter marriage believing that "we are so in love, this will be easy" and are shocked when it is most decidedly not easy. That first year, you are really learning each other's habits and routines. You are are learning how to fit two personalities and expectations under the same roof. You are learning how to dance the give and take that will feature throughout your marriage. And all of this is difficult and takes work. Don't be surprised by it, but be prepared to work hard at it. I told my friend they needed to "be gentle with each other" during this year. Be gentle with feelings--they are easily hurt and may not even understand why they are hurt. Be gentle with expectations and keep them realistic. And be gentle with words--while you need to communicate often and honestly, know that those words, especially at the beginning, do set the tone for the future.

The second thing I hope to impart to them is that their love for their husband will not be enough to solve all the problems they may face in their marriage--but their love for God and their desire to follow God in their marriage will be enough. It is imperative to keep our relationship with God in priority in our lives and for it to be an active and intimate relationship. Only then, can we lean on that relationship when we don't have the answers to solve the problems--big life changing problems as well as small irritations--that are sure to arise in our marriages. Prayer changes people, and I find that often I am the one God changes not my husband. :-) Early in our marriage, German had a persistent habit that not only irritated me, but scared me in that it could have led to danger. I nagged, I complained, I sighed heavily, I rolled my eyes--you know all the things that wives do to show our displeasure. Nothing changed. Finally, I started praying about it, telling God how scared I was and asking Him to change German's attitude toward this one thing. Almost immediately I stopped noticing it as much. God gave me a peace about it as I let it go to Him. But he did not immediately change the behavior. In fact, it took eight years and the birth of our first child for there to be a noticeable difference. I'd love to say I was the model of waiting, but I was not always. But as God worked in my life and I learned to trust Him more and more, I became less of a part of the problem. Then God was able to work in German's life. All that to say, trust the relationship with God. Sometimes only He can affect change. And in the bigger things that attack your marriage, He is the only chance you have. The more each of you depend on God for the little things, the easier it is to trust God with the big things in your marriage.

My final piece of advice actually stems from the last. It is that your husband will NOT meet all of your needs (especially spiritually and emotionally) and just as importantly you will NOT meet all of his needs (especially spiritually and physically). God did not design us to meet all the needs of our spouse. He has always intended that He is to be the One on Whom we depend for all of our needs to be met. He did, however, give us our spouses as a help meet. Our spouse helps to meet our needs. But just as our husband is human, he cannot fill the parts of us that are designed to be God-filled. We cannot fill the parts of them that are designed to be God-filled. Oft times when I am struggling that my needs (especially emotional since that is how women are wired) are not being met, God quietly reminds me that I have not asked Him and I have expectations that German cannot meet. This does not mean that we can check out and say "well since I can't meet his needs I won't try" but instead it is to remind us that when we have done our part and it seems like it is simply not enough, we need to trust them to God to satisfy the rest. And when we feel we are empty, to not immediately blame our husbands, but to seek God and ask for His satisfaction.

Marriage is the best thing that God has blessed me with. But it is also the hardest. I find that true even more right now, with young children that need and rightfully demand attention and energy. But I'm learning that this relationship is still the most important, outside my relationship with God. I pray that my little ones grow up seeing parents who are in tune with one another, who seek God together and who enjoy being together. That would be the best heritage I could hope to give them!