Verse Four of Twenty-Four

Time to memorize a new verse!

The Lord appeared to him from far away.
I have loved you with an everlasting love;
    therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you.

Jeremiah 31:3 (ESV)

Even as Babes, They Hear

I was doing some work in the living room.  It was a rare moment when I had my own music playing and not that of one of the Tweens living in my house.  So, country gospel it was.  Tree was playing, all together too loudly, around me. All of a sudden he stopped and sat very quiet for a moment. (When you have an active three year old, that sudden quietness stands out).  He came over to me and almost whispered, "What is this song?" I told him it was "Amazing Grace." He said okay and went back to playing.


Then, he looked up again. "You singed this to me when I was little baby."
"Yes, sweetie, I did."


And I did.  When I was nursing him at two a.m. (and three a.m. and five a.m.) I would sing Amazing Grace in his ear. It was his lullaby. It and Victory in Jesus were sung to him hundreds of times over his first eighteen months. They were sung as much for my sake as they were for his. To keep me calm and quiet when he needed settling.


But he heard. And somehow, today, he remembered.


Don't ever underestimate what you say and sing and teach them! They hear, even when they seem to young to process. And they remember on some level. 


And sometimes God is gracious to remind you that investment you are making pays dividends.

Thank you Jesus that those hymn-lullabies are a part of my little boy's memories. Thank you that they will be the foundation of the theology he hears and sees over the next years. Help me to say and model the things that he (and his sisters) need to become the followers of you that you desire. Amen.

Resting Through the Storm

I don't know how long I had been clenching my fist, it had been quite a while.  My shoulder was tense and I had nail prints in my hands.  By the feel of my jaw, I had also been clenching my teeth. For how long? Minutes? Hours? I'm not sure.  I was sound asleep. I awoke from the dream with a raw ache and then began to unravel why I was tense. The wind. The wind was howling. Buffeting the house. Rattling the exhaust fan. Pelting the window with rain. I was tense because of the storm. Yet I had been sleeping, and felt remarkably rested. I was able to sleep through the storm because I was in the security of the house. My body may have physically reacted to the sound of danger, but my mind had allowed rest.


I thought of another storm a couple thousand years ago.  A storm encountered not in the safety of a brick house but in the precariousness of a wooden boat. Someone else slept through that storm, whilst his friends battled the waves. Although the boat's worthiness looked dubious, he knew he was in the safety of his creation.

And behold, there arose a great storm on the sea, so that the boat was being swamped by the waves; but he was asleep.  

Matthew 8:24

It is in these moments of reflecting that I often wonder of that mysterious balance of humanness and deity in Jesus. Did his physical body tense in spite of the power it contained? When he was awakened, did he have to unclench involuntary muscles in order to stand and rebuke the wind? It has no ultimate theological impact, but it makes me think. He was like me, but he was God. How does that work? And, even not knowing how it works, how comforting is it to know that he understands our weakness because he too was human!


We all encounter storms--physical, emotional, psychological. Storms of doubts and of ridicule. Storms of illness or financial pressure. Storms of mistrust, broken relationships and misunderstandings. Storms come. We can fight against them, like my body tensing against the wind during my sleep, or we can lean into God and face them. The former leaves us only battered. The latter may still result in the soreness of the battle. But it also comes with a peace in the security of God's plan. It comes with rest. We cannot escape all of the force of life's storms, but we can continue to rest in our hope of God. I'll take the rest with hope!

Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me, for in you my soul takes refuge; in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge, till the storms of destruction pass by.

Psalm 57:1

February Goal Post

Time for a goal review!  January was a pretty good month, goal-wise.


My JANUARY goals were:
1. Complete the 2015 RR I will receive mid-month--unfortunately I never received this, so hoping it arrives soon
2.  Finish stitching on Fairy Moon and possibly start beading--75% of stitching complete, no beading
3.  Blog 4 times--5, plus several drafts in progress :)
4. Write 2 letters--yes
5. Lose 2 pounds--lost SIX!
6. Memorize 2 verses with the Siestas at Living Proof--yes
7.  Stitch 2 Bride's Tree ornaments--only 1/2 complete, but discovered I have 3 fewer to do than I thought so still on target for the year ;)
8.  Finish one book for fun and 4 school-related books--read Surprised by Motherhood by Lisa-Jo Baker, A Time of Gifts by Patrick Leigh Fermor, and The Pastor's Kid by Barnabas Piper for fun/me.  All were very good.  Read Beyond the Desert Gate by Mary Ray and Olivia E. Coolidge's retelling of the Trojan War for school with Jewel.  Both were okay.  Also re-read The Great Wheel by Robert Lawson and The Great Turkey Walk by Kathleen Karr for school with Flower.  These are two of my favourite Sonlight titles ever! Plus I read 200 pages of the enormous 1100 page book that has been on my to-read list for a long time!


My FEBRUARY goals are:
1. Complete the 2015 RR I will receive mid-month (and the first one if it ever arrives)
2.  Finish stitching on Fairy Moon and start beading
3.  Blog 4 times
4. Write 2 letters
5. Lose 2 pounds
6. Memorize 2 verses with the Siestas at Living Proof
7.  Stitch 1 1/2 Bride's Tree ornaments
8.  Finish two books for fun and 4 school-related books

Verse Three of Twenty-four

Memorization time again!  This fortnight I will be concentrating (some more) on words:

 Some people make cutting remarks,
but the words of the wise bring healing.  

Proverbs 12:18 (NLT)

Verse Two of Twenty-four

Time for another memory verse as I am seeking to memorize the Word with the Siestas at Living Proof Ministry.  This fortnight I've chosen a verse out of Proverbs.  Maybe our meal times will become less chaotic. ;-)

Better is a dinner of herbs where love is
    than a fattened ox and hatred with it.
Proverbs 15:17 (ESV)

Child of a Holy King

 

You may or may not have ever noticed my profile tag line, "Child of a Holy King and therefore a Princess."  That is an idea that I have been intrigued by for years.  If I am the daughter of a King, then my actions should not be common.  That is the admonition behind the words.  I can't say I often act very regally, but I should if I am about my Father's business.

Recently, we heard a sermon at church on just this subject.  The pastor reminded us that we were Children of God--Adopted into His Purpose.  He reminded us that if that is true, that thought should not become familiar to us but should continue to strike us with AWE.  That the God of the universe has chosen us to be His People.

He challenged us to think about what it meant to be a son in Biblical times.  He reminded us that the son usually followed his father's footsteps into occupation and lifestyle.  He said that the son was known by who his father was.

Now, I am very grateful that I am not expected to follow my earthly father's occupational footsteps.  I was never a very good farm girl, even telling my Dad when I was four years old that as soon as I was old enough I was leaving the farm.  But occupation or not, I am my father's daughter.  I laugh like him, I sometimes sound like him, I definitely use his phrases.  He molded and shaped much of the character one sees today.  I follow my Dad's footsteps.

I was challenged as I listened to the sermon of how much do I follow my Heavenly Father's footsteps.  Am I known by His character?  As I seek to harmonize my life with His this year, I pray that my character becomes more and more like his and less like the selfish person I so often can be.  It will take time, spending time with him and his people, learning his words, practicing his ways. But the refining should be noticeable.  I pray it is.

photo credit: morguefile free download

First 2015 Goal Post

 

I know I haven't posted one of these since October, so this seems a little ambitious.  But I know that I am much more apt to meet goals if I actually put them somewhere that is seen than hold onto them in my head.  So my one true resolution this year is to post goals for each month and track progress.  I do have a master list for the year, but I will keep it flexible based on month-to-month responsibilities.

But, first, to review.  My 2014 master list:
  Cross-stitch:  Finish Autumn at Hawk Run--YES
                        Start and finish Fairy Moon--40% complete
                        Start and Finish Solitude--no
                        Finish old Teacup Round Robin--Yes, including framed
                        Finish old Fish Bowl Round Robin--Yes
                        Xmas ornaments for the kids--Yes
                        Finish one set Bride's Tree Ornaments--Yes & presented as gift
                        Progress NRR to 50%--about 30%
                        Start stockings for kids--No

  Other:            Read 25 books (non-school related)--6 read
                        Post 100 time on blog--24 posts
                        Write 24 real letters--4 letters

In general, I'm okay with this.  Life happened.  A move happened.  School reading took more time than I planned.  I finished 2 UFO stitching projects and started a new project not planned for at beginning of year.  So, not a bad year.

My JANUARY goals are:
1. Complete the 2015 RR I will receive mid-month
2.  Finish stitching on Fairy Moon and possibly start beading
3.  Blog 4 times
4. Write 2 letters
5. Lose 2 pounds
6. Memorize 2 verses with the Siestas at Living Proof
7.  Stitch 2 Bride's Tree ornaments
8.  Finish one book for fun and 4 school-related books
        

Verse One of Twenty-four

I am joining in with the Siestas at Living Proof Ministry to memorize 24 verses in 2015.  Each person chooses a verse on the 1st and the 15th of the month that they wish to memorize.  It should be something that speaks to the individual and their needs.

I have chosen Colossians 3:14 for my first verse.  It follows my theme of harmony for the year.  I don't usually memorize in the Message paraphrase, but I love the imagery of this verse as depicted.

And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It’s your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it.

A Year of WAITING and BELIEVING in review

I knew upfront that choosing a year's word of "WAIT and BELIEVE" that it was very likely that I would come to the end of the year still "waiting and believing" and have not much to show.  And that, pretty much, sums up the year, with a few bright spots of accomplishing something.

We began the year waiting for a ministry opportunity to come to fruition.  In January we met with a group of mostly-like-minded people who wanted a house group in their geographic area.  By February we were leading it, and it has been a highlight in a year of waiting. We meet to study, find application in the Sunday sermons, eat and fellowship, and pray.  And I have made friends that I probably would not have even met otherwise. So it was good waiting and trusting.

I began the year longing for a more intimate ladies Bible Study.  I still wait for that. But in the interim, Tree and I have been attending a Mum and Toddler group that does Bible Study one week of the month and that has been a tremendous blessing.  Being with other Mums of Toddlers reminds me that the challenges of this age are normal.  I still long to lead a more in depth group. I miss my Ladies study to this day, four years after having moved away.  But God in his wisdom is still saying, "WAIT" so I will continue to wait and believe that someday I will have that again.

There has been other waiting. There was the waiting for our landlord to decide if he did indeed want the house we were renting back for a family member. Then there was the waiting to find an appropriate house that would still allow us to lead house group. There was waiting to move, to settle, to find our balance in a new village.  There was the waiting for a new rhythm as German changed accounts and travel schedules yet again.

I continue to wait and believe that the words that I have bouncing in my head will mean something to someone someday.  Children's needs seem to crowd it out. But I still hear God whisper "Wait...and believe." Last Christmas the sermon that inspired me reminded us that Simeon may have waited for DECADES to see the Messiah, yet he waited and believed. I knew that I would wait longer than a year for some of the desires whispered in my heart to fruit and flower. It doesn't make waiting easier, but it makes it bearable to know that God has a time table. I have to trust it. I can't say I always wait expectantly or patiently. But God knows that my heart is to learn in this process.  So when I might have thrown my hands up in surrender, he inspired Lisa Jo Baker to pen "If This Whole Year has Felt Like Wasted Waiting". It is a wonderful read of how waiting is normal in our Bible heroes and inspires us to continue to wait.  Reminded and bolstered, I continue to wait.

So I come toward 2015 wondering what word to choose. I considered "persevere" or "pursue" or "patient" but too many of those words seemed like me doing the work, not God.  Then, Christmas morning the sermon was about Mary's song and how she sang with confidence in the past tense because she trusted that God would fulfill what He promised.  The pastor referenced Psalm 96:1-2 that each of us must sing a new song.  That is one of my all-time favourite verses (along with Psalm 98!).  The reminder that we each are constantly singing new songs to the Lord for the good things he has done.  My heart was resonating with the message when he said this,

"We can only find rest when we sing in

HARMONY

with the great composer."

I knew that I had found my word.  I know that this year will be more waiting and believing for the things that I know are promised, but may not be imminent. But I don't want that waiting to be fretful or anxiety-filled.  I want it to be trusting-waiting.  I want to find rest in the wait.  Thus I need to keep harmony with God as I wait.

Will you continue to wait with me?  In the interim, may we seek to live our lives in Harmony with God so that we do not become anxious as we seek his timing.  Whether it is days, or decades, I hope to wait and believe until God brings to fruition all his plans for me.  I pray you are able to do the same.

 And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.
Colossians 3:14-15

Merry Christmas 2014

Praying you have time to stop and enjoy the awe of the moment!

Merry Christmas!

October Goal Post

In September my goals were:

1. Complete AAHRH--YES
2. Complete Bride's Tree set--YES
3. Blog at least 4 times--finish Parts 4 of "How to Lose Your Voice"--nope
4. Start DT Summer Garden--Yes
5. 100 stitches in Fairy Moon --closer to 300

OCTOBER GOALS:
1. Move and unpack
2. Finish 25% of DT Summer Garden
3. Another 100 stitches in Fairy Moon
4. Blog something ;-)

Regaining Your Voice

Where the slide to losing one's voice often seems gradual, the act of regaining it is very intentional. Each and every time I have allowed circumstances, or other people to silence me, it has not ended until I reached a point of saying "enough is enough." I must decide to step beyond what is happening and re-gain my voice.

There is a natural need in us to express ourselves. Some use words to do that. Others use actions or talents. But we all express ourselves in some fashion. I was recently reminded that we need to speak because we are created in the image of God, and he was not silent. He spoke worlds into being. He spoke to his prophets. He called people out and expected responses. We, too, are called to express our innermost beings. It is built into us to communicate. So we shouldn't allow others to take that away.

When I've given up something I love because others have inadvertently hurt me, I need to forgive and let it go. Especially since it was inadvertent. Only by forgiving them (in my heart and head) do I have the freedom to move on. In the past year I have re-started an activity that I had stopped because the joy had gone out of it based on some comments. It was not a huge deal in my life, but I was finding that I missed it. Despite missing the activity, it took a concentrated decision on my part that the comments were not going to play in my head and take away my enjoyment while I engaged in the activity. It was freeing to say that the comments did not define me (which they never did) and that I could have fun at something without it mattering to those speakers. It was a little thing, but it was a step in the right direction.

What about those times when it has been more intentional to silence you....forgive then as well. Remember that those people are not who validate you. Jesus is. And he has found you worthy, so don't hold onto their words or their judgments or your need for their approval. Give it to the one who says, "You are worthy and you are heard." I know that it is easier said than done. But I also know that forgiveness is more for our benefit than theirs, and there is a freedom in allowing God to heal those wounds.

In the matters where circumstances have chiseled away at time and voice, it is more difficult. The circumstances may not change despite the decision to re-gain one's voice. It may be necessary to redefine one's voice to the circumstances. Remember when I said I was weary of moving? And remember back at the first of the year when I felt that God was having me wait for something? Well, God has a way of moving circumstances. This is the first year in five years that German is not changing job roles in October necessitating a major if not international move! We were looking forward to a quiet autumn with no change. And then...our landlord notified us that he *might* need the house back for a family member. And we waited and prayed since we have grown roots and ministries. And then the *might* became *definitely* and we continued to wait and pray. And just when I was ready to despair, we found a house. A few miles move will allow us to continue with routines and ministries. But it is a still a move. And I am still weary. (And I had just started writing this, so I asked God what on earth he was trying to teach). And you know what, I don't have the answers. But I know that this time around, I don't intend to let the circumstances take away the thing I love that I was just regaining. It is a choice. And I am trusting that God has something waiting for us there that we could not have here. Something that will further my roots and my ministries.

As I make the intentional decision to regain my voice, I have found that goals help, but can also be demoralising. Set realistic goals. Then be gentle if you need to adjust them. I intended to start writing at least once a week, thinking that was reasonable. But it wasn't. My family's needs in this new place were greater than my need to write. And so I haven't met my goal. And I could be frustrated, or I can be gentle. I'm choosing gentle. I will continue to plan and set goals, but realise that family is first. (And as they get more accustomed to me disappearing to write, maybe I can write more). May I encourage you that you won't write an epic novel the first time out, you won't speak to an arena of people, you won't sing an aria until you've sang those first notes, but that is okay. We are intending to communicate for a long time. And you (and I) will build our skills as we engage in our skills. Don't give up--even when it is tough and circumstances get in the way. I won't give up either.

So that's where I'm at. Finding ways to forgive and regain some voice. Finding ways around the circumstances. Choosing that I will find my voice and my talents. And trusting that God is leading because he is a God who communicates and doesn't leave us on our own.

Once God has spoken;
twice have I heard this:
that power belongs to God,
and that to you, O Lord, belongs steadfast love.
For you will render to a man
according to his work.
Psalm 62:11-12

How to Lose Your Voice--Part 4

This is the final installment of losing my voice--the next installment should be about regaining a voice. But today I want to talk about when our voice is inadvertently silenced. I think that this is probably more common than the previous condition. I don't think that most people set out to quieten us or to ignore us. I think sometimes it just happens as a result of their own journey (and sometimes self-absorption). That is a sobering thought, because in it I must admit that I am also guilty of silencing others in my own self-absorbed life.

My mother was one of those classic, stereotyped parents who lived through her children. I knew at a young age that she had been kept out of National Honor Society and I was expected to right that wrong. The day I was installed as NHS President, she was much more excited than I was. She often took over dreams that I dared to breathe. And that often resulted in my withdrawal.

I was reminded of this recently when I was scanning old photographs into digital form. I was an avid photographer, never seen without a camera. I received my first SLR in Jr. High and I was in heaven. Around the time I was in college, I started actively trying to sell some photos. My mother was also a good photographer. I got my love of cameras from her. But for her, it was always a hobby. Until I got a chance to publish a photograph. Then she decided she would try to sell some of hers. And she succeeded. The talk around her sale eventually soured photography for me for a time. I definitely stopped trying to sell anything, and really rarely took my camera anywhere. I know it was never her intention for me to stop, but it happened. Her seeming obsession took the joy out of what I did. It happened with other things that I enjoyed. She saw my joy, decided to do something similar, became obsessive/competitive/derisive and I would withdraw.

The problem was, I was the only one that was missing out. I let her take my joy and stopped what I enjoy. Hear me clearly, I am the one who must take the responsibility of quitting because it was not her direct intent for me to stop what I was doing. It was inadvertent on her part.

This is not just true in the "voice" of the hobbies we pursue. It is also true of our writing. I've written here and here about the danger of trying to use someone else's voice in our writing--to try and be someone we are not. If we become so worried about using someone else's voice, ours is inadvertently silenced. When I become so worried about how something will be received that I never hit "publish," I have allowed others to inadvertently silence me. When someone's pursuit of something runs us over and we don't speak out, we have been inadvertently silenced. Not intentional. But it hurts just the same. And, for me, it hurts more as I realize that I have to take some of the responsibility of being silent. There is no one I can say is censoring or stopping me from speaking. I am allowing other people to govern how much I say.

If the success or apathy of someone else has caused you to stop sharing your gifts, I encourage you to resume using your gifts. Don't let someone else's actions take away your voice. Instead, look past their short-sightedness and take joy in what you are able to say and do. And, would you please join me in being committed to not inadvertently silencing others. Join with me to celebrate the successes and gifts of others. We must set aside our own jealousies and insecurities to encourage one another. After all, this body of Christ should be more about building up rather than tearing down.

I long to see you so that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to make you strong—that is, that you and I may be mutually encouraged by each other’s faith. Romans 1:11-12

September Goals

 


In August I wrote, then forgot to publish, the following goals:

August Goals:
1. Complete AAHRH--very close, but no
2. Complete Bride's Tree set--again, close but not yet
3. Blog at least 4 times--finish Parts 3 and 4 of "How to Lose Your Voice"--only once, but part 4 is ready to post this week
4. Start DT Summer Garden--no
5. 100 stitches in Fairy Moon --no

So, my goals for September
1. Complete AAHRH
2. Complete Bride's Tree set
3. Blog at least 4 times--finish Parts 4 of "How to Lose Your Voice"
4. Start DT Summer Garden
5. 100 stitches in Fairy Moon

How to lose your voice--part 3

First, my apologies for taking so long to continue the series.  This one has been difficult for me to publish--remembering a truly low point in life.  I pray that this will be of help to someone out there to remember that God does hear us.

In parts 1&2 I discussed how circumstances often silence us. This one is a little tougher, it is how people can intentionally silence us. Part 4 will address when people inadvertently silence us.

It was latish on a Thursday night. The pastor and associate pastor came to the house to speak to my husband. That wouldn't have normally been an issue since husband was a deacon. But events of the day made this wrong. Earlier that day, a staff member had responded to a situation involving me in a very intimidating way. He had put his much larger frame into my space, had leaned into my face and blatantly lied to me, with an undercurrent of a threat. His anger was out of control, as witnessed and attested to by others later. My husband had asked for the deacons to meet and address this issue since it was not the first such event. They had met, but had excluded my husband from the meeting. The pastors were there to tell him that the decision was that this incident had nothing to do with his being on staff, that it was a church fellowship matter and that I needed to meet with said staff member and work it out because it was my problem and it was leading to division amongst members. I was effectively tried and condemned by the church leadership. The problem was, not one of them had asked ME what happened. They asked staff member. They asked his wife and other witnesses. They did not ask me. And the decision was not even consistent with what they heard!

I had been silenced.

Over the next week, husband was also caught in a cross-fire of issues, and eventually had to resign from leadership due to the back-biting, dishonest things that were being said in order to change some church decisions.

It was ugly and hurtful and unnecessary. It led to our withdrawal from church activities and eventually our moving away. It ended a myriad of friendships. It took SIX weeks before anyone asked me how I felt. Six weeks of attempting to meet with staff person who refused our invites, deacon invites, and pastor invites. Six weeks of not coming to church on communion services before someone asked if there was a correlation. And in the sixth week, it took sitting through a church meeting where said staff-member was given a bonus for his 'good work.'

Six weeks of silence.

Then, the pastor and the deacon who approached me were surprised by the depth of my hurt.

And although both acknowledged that it had been easier to talk to husband than me, neither would give a reason. Truth is, they had not spoken with him again either, even when he resigned from leadership.

It redefined my expectation of church leadership and it almost destroyed my trust in the organised church.

Sometimes we lose our voice because others deliberately set out to not allow us to speak.

One thing  I learned during that time:

 People may seek to silence truth,

but God never silences it. 

I was assured time and time again that God heard me. I never once believed in that time that he had stopped listening. He heard. He promised deliverance. He delivered.  Although it is true that I miss many of those friendships to this day, I do not doubt that God used that moment to mold me into the leader I am and to place us in our next place of ministry and healing. I learned much about how to notice hurting people. I now hear different cues when a situation does not seem to add up and one of the participants is not saying much. I know the hurt of being intentionally ignored, and I hope to never allow someone to be in that place.  I also know the balm of the two people who continually reached out even when they did not understand the depth of what was happening, and I pray that I can be that balm in someone else's life.

My friends, if you have been silenced by those around you, if your opinions, desires, needs have not been heard, or if those you love have deliberately chosen to not hear you, please do not lose heart.  God hears you.  He draws near to you.  And, when the time is right, he will vindicate you.  Draw near to him and allow him to hear the depths of your pain.  He can soothe what no one else can.  Trust one who has walked the path and survived.  You are heard and your voice matters.

As for me, I call to God,
    and the Lord saves me. 
 Evening, morning and noon
    I cry out in distress,
    and he hears my voice.
He rescues me unharmed
    from the battle waged against me,
    even though many oppose me.................Psalm 55:16-18

How to Lose Your Voice, Part 2

In part one of this discussion on losing my voice, I talked of being too exhausted to continue to communicate.  The second part of losing my voice whilst I was in Germany had to do with perception and permission.  There were two (greatly generalised) types of ex-pats in my community in German.  There were the ex-pats who complained constantly about the German-way of doing things.  These folks had followed husbands to jobs, but were not necessarily happy about it.  And they complained. About everything. At every opportunity. To anyone who would listen.  Then there was the other type.  The ones who were embarrassed by type one and so who tried to only point out the positives.  In general, unless in the privacy of your own home with your own family, this group did not complain.  They were the eternal "Pollyana's" of the ex-pat world.

Since one of my least favourite groups of people are who we dub "The Ugly American" in our home, you can be assured that I landed in group two.  [The Ugly American is that person, American or not but most likely American, who spends all there time saying "in my home country we did it this way" and refusing to embrace anything about the culture they are visiting.]  I did truly enjoy much of our life in Germany, so it was not a stretch to focus on the positives.  Also, I tend to think if we focus on positives, the negatives are much less looming.

But to never feel able to express the negativity was draining.  Recently another blogger wrote about an entirely different subject, "I did not have the freedom to tell the truth and I no longer had the energy to pretend."  That sums up much of my time in Germany.  I did not have the freedom to express how hard it was.  DH was not having a great time at work and already felt guilty of having moved us yet again in the 3 years and I did not want to add pressure to him.  I knew in my head the first year in a new place is the most difficult and wanted to give it it's best chance.  And, we were convinced then, and I am still convinced, that God had a purpose for us in that place.  Therefore I didn't want to speak against where God had place me.  But it was hard.  Very hard.  And to not have an outlet made it even harder.

Another group-two friend, after she moved away from Germany, commented that she had not realised that she had basically held her breath and held her neck tense for two years until she was back home and could communicate without being afraid of saying it wrong.  Two years of holding your breath and biting back your true feelings is a long time.

But we do this all the time.  We spend years in church fellowships where we are afraid to show that we are hurting or doubting or in need.  We hold our breath and draw in the pain, paint that religious smile on our face and off we go to speak platitudes that are empty.  Why?  Because we don't have the freedom to be ourselves.  Because we are afraid that if we express doubts we will look like "The Ugly Christian" who needs it to be our way or no way.  Or we will not look like a Christian at all.  We convince ourselves that God can't handle it if we are real (and we know our friends can't handle our "realness" because they all have it all together).

Where does this lead us?  To being worn out and "not having the energy to pretend."  Which leads us to drop out of those religious circles that could be life-bringing because they might see that we are cracked and bruised and needy.  We stop communicating with the very ones who could bring us healing.  And we stop communicating the healing others' need.  We need to be able to lay down these masks of "having it together" and be real enough to give voice to our needs and to our ability to help those in need.

I am convinced, maybe even convicted, that we need to build I to our bible studies and our religious circles of friends the ability to be real. I am not advocating for a group one-everything-is-horrible reality, but a reality that is free to say I am having a tough time. I want a freedom to share the hard stuff that God leads me through as well as the easy things. I want to be someone that can handle hearing a friend say "life is tough" and not judge or try to solve it for them. I want to be a Christian community that enhances communication, not stifles it.  In some ways that is easier to build online than in face-to-face life. But I want it in both places.  So this may be a recurring theme that you see here.  As I try to regain my voice, I will advocate for you to have your voice as well. Let us speak in honesty, in reality and of course in love as we share our lives.

Thanks for listening to this rambling heart.

How to Lose Your Voice, Part 1

I have been reflecting upon how it was I came to lose my words, the very thing that had always brought me clarity and contentment in the changes of my life.  I think it all came to fruition during our time in Germany (although to a large extent it started earlier than that--but that is part 3).

Being in a culture where I did not speak the language was exhausting.  It was mentally draining,  physically tense, and emotionally depleting.  Try as I could, it did not and would not come easy to me.  I would tell my tutor that I was sure Tree (less than 2 at the time) was going to answer her questions before I did.  I was only half-joking.  The truth was, he was learning two languages at once and took delight when he said a German word and all the German-speakers around us would react with total joy.  They did not react that way when I spoke the language.  I tired of being laughed at or given blank stares--both common reactions.  It has long been my belief that if you live in another lingual setting it is your duty to make and effort to communicate in the common language.  But after a year of struggle, I now have an entirely new empathy for those who do not speak a country's native language.

It is hard. Very hard.

Simple things, like going to the grocery store, became things that I dreaded.  My little neighbourhood store had no English speakers.  To make it more challenging, you had to ask for anything that was fresh--vegetables, meat, cheese.  No just picking your own.  My first attempt at getting leaf lettuce (Kräutersalat) was met with giggles from the girl getting the vegetables.  She repeated how to say it correctly.  I tried. More giggles.  That rolling/hard r sound is impossible for me.  We repeated this scene for weeks before the day she threw her hands up and said "you got it right" (in English because she practiced with me after a while). Those first attempts were demoralising. To be laughed at week in and week out just to get lettuce.

    Or there was the day that I was buying a whole chicken (Huhn).  I knew how to ask and low and behold it worked she immediately pulled a chicken from the case.  My tutor had told me they would ask if I wanted it cut up (that word I don't remember).  She asked a question about cutting it, I said ja and she went away and came back with it cut and wrapped.  Success, I thought.  Imagine my dismay when I got home to discover that she had indeed cut it up--in half--and I only had half a chicken.  For dinner in an hour for my family of five.  Did I say demoralising?




These are just easy examples of language difficulty outside native country.  I got to the point that I just didn't want to try to communicate anything when I was at home.  I was exhausted.  I just wanted to allow my mind to veg.  So I stopped writing much of anything.

This may sound like it is specific to living outside our home country, but I think it can generalize.  Sometimes, we stop communicating because the day-to-day communication is in a foreign language that exhausts us.  This world, this culture, is counter to our identity as children of God (more on this in a post to come).  We can spend the day trying to navigate a world between our sacred heart language and the world we live in.  We can become exhausted trying to navigate the negative and pessimistic culture around us.  We can get to the point that we just don't want to have to speak if not absolutely necessary.

You may recognise this.  You spend your day navigating the murky waters of a work place where ambition is more highly regarded than integrity.  You say the politically correct thing to stay afloat even when it doesn't come naturally.  Nodding and smiling takes the place of speaking your heart. Then you come home and don't have the mental energy to switch gears and speak the sacred. So you think you will do it tomorrow.  Or, if you are a student, you walk the path of choosing words that are true and what the professor wants to hear, but may not be your deepest truth. Then, when it comes time to speak or write of your inmost thoughts, there is no energy left to summon it.  We can lose our words as we navigate the foreign language of the world.  

I know that I must find ways to protect my energy, so that I still have the perseverence to speak my heart's language when so many around me do not want to hear or do not understand that language.  Becoming bi-lingual is a must or I become too exhausted to speak.  But, how?

I was struck this week, again, as I read the words of Mark 1:35,

Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed.

Jesus was navigating a "foreign" world with a "foreign" language.  He was away from the perfection of his world.  How did he cope?  He got by himself and he prayed.  He found a place to speak his heart language.  He didn't lose touch with who he was whilst he did the things he was called to do.

I wonder, if that is the key for me to not lose my voice in a foreign world?  It is true, that quiet time and concentrated prayer times are often among the first things to go when I am overwhelmed with life.  That just adds to the spiral of being more and more overwhelmed.  If I am to navigate in a world that speaks a different language than my heart, I must find places and time to speak my heart language.  I must find the time to pray and stay in the word.  I must also find time to speak with those who speak the same language.  Otherwise my speech skills become rusty and I become discouraged, at best, or apathetic at worst.  Even this die-hard introvert needs people!  I need people to come along, encourage, commiserate and hold to account.  And, I need to be that for others.

My friends, if you are losing your voice, if you find you don't have the energy to say another word of anything important, please take some time and reconnect.  Reconnect with God and with others who can speak to the things of God. Reconnect with your heart-language.   Reconnect with me.  I need you.  I need your words, and I am certain others do as well.

God Bless!

photos from www.morguefile.com

July Goal Post

 

My last goal post was in March.  March!  I am not even sure I remember which of these I managed to succeed at, and which I failed.  But here goes:

In March I said:
1.  Complete 1/2 block on AAHRH--I think yes, because I am on track with this project
2.  Get next unfinished RR to 50% (Fish Bowl)--I actually finished this project in May!
3.  Stitch 2 bride's tree ornaments--Have stayed on track with the ornaments as well!
4.  Finish those 2 books!--I finished one, abandoned one, started/finished one, and started 3 more ;)
5.  Blog at least once a week--LOL!
6.  Plan a trip home--yes, it was awesome
7.  Write 2 letters--no

In July I plan to:
1.  Complete AAHRH (3 blocks to go, so this is a stretch)
2.  Complete one Bride's Tree ornament, this will complete one set
3.  Blog at least 2 times
4.  Enjoy chilling on the beach
5.  Read a book
6.  Plan for next year's science programme for Jewel

Finding Myself

I don't know whether to apologise for not being here, or quietly ignore the fact that it has been months since I have posted anything to note, much less of note, or to just simply start again.

I don't know why I'm surprised it happened.  I sort of lost myself and stopped writing.  Spent more time holding it in my head and less time putting it on paper.  In some ways it has been good--just enjoying and living life without the scrutiny of putting it out there.  But in other ways it has been lonely--since writing is one of my favourite companions.  Truth is, four moves in four years (3 of them international) has taken its toll.  We are all weary of making transitions and making new friends and starting anew.  Even coming "back" to a place we loved before is full of new transitions.  There is a new house, a new village, a new stage of school, a new church building, new friends, lost friends that have moved on.  Well, you get the idea.  And my family is weary.  But this introverted-mother-leader of the family is particularly weary. So I go silent.

There is a song by MercyMe that goes like this...

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say

The period of a loss for words has been beneficial.  God has been faithful and we have felt ourselves held in his hands and guided in this last move.  I have enjoyed this time, even whilst understanding the bittersweet of it.  We are settling well.  We have our feet under us.  The house is unpacked and very comfortable.  I have finally framed so many of those cross-stitch pieces done through the years, and the house is decorated uniquely us.  The kids are happy and thriving.  The girls are becoming young women before my very eyes, and it is scary and lovely at the same time.  At least the little one still loves to cuddle in my arms and here "nother tory" and does not mind if I nuzzle that toddler smell in the nape of his neck.  There is a new house group at church that we have the privilege to initiate and lead.  I have so needed a ministry outlet, and at last we again have one as a couple.  I still yearn for a Ladies Bible Study, but am believing that it will come.  We have returned to home educating and 2/3 of us love it (one child misses the classroom but loves that we are on our own schedule again).  We will be breaking our school year in two weeks and going to visit friends and chill on the beach.  A much anticipated time of rejuvenating.  We all need it.  There is something about sea spray.

As beneficial as it has been, it has also been limiting.  I lost that voice, and my soul-well-being has suffered.  I've stuffed feelings and I've hoarded thoughts and I've missed opportunities.  And so, now I come back here.  I come back to find myself, and re-capture the joy of writing and sharing.  I am ready to find my words, to try to communicate a little of what God speaks into my life.  I am not going to promise that I'll be here frequently, at least not at first.  But I've missed you and want to share in your lives again.  Part of sharing is being willing and able to put mine out there as well.  Maybe together we will move a little further on this journey.  Welcome back.