Marriage Monday--Personal Commitment

The Marriage Monday topic for the week is commitment.  I would have liked to think that it would be a cinch to write about how to stay committed in marriage.  But, it isn't.  It's been almost five years since we tackled the topic of divorce in this forum.  It was there that I began to articulate some of my thoughts of how the commitment is to God, and the relationship with the spouse grows from that.  It is how to traverse the difficulties of life in marriage.  I still believe what I wrote.  But five years of growth and watching other marriages and experiencing the roller coaster of life my husband & I have been on, I've come to a further conclusion.  Commitment is very personal and cannot be generalized.

I continue to be blessed in a marriage where we are healthy, employed, content and faithful.  Yet we have experienced so much change in the last five years that there were times it would have been easy to throw up my hands and say "enough!" I haven't because I believe that God has brought us together for this crazy roller coaster and I trust God enough to trust German. Although by the time my thoughts get to computer screen they are aligned (re-aligned) and following German's lead, they certainly don't get there immediately.  There have been many a difficult discussion. I'm sure there are days that German, too, would throw up his hands and cry "enough!" But he doesn't. He doesn't because he believes that God provided us for each other and we need to support each other in the chaos.  He chooses to trust God enough to also trust me.  That is how we personally view our commitment to each other--it is first a commitment to God. Your experience will be specific to your situation. Even a "first commitment to God, second to spouse" will look different when you do it than when I demonstrate what I mean.

I look around me and see that, for better or worse, that commitment to God first may not always appear to be the case.  We have watched friends' marriages fall apart.  We have been part of the "who gets custody of the friends" situations.  We have seen other marriages hang together for no other visible reason than God must be holding it. I have recently uttered for the first time in my life "they would be better off divorced"--and meant it.  The psychological abuse that is evident breaks my heart and not even separation has helped.  In other situations I am praying fervently for restoration. And I only know tips of icebergs in each of these situations.  Obviously, I am not privy to all the details.  In some cases there appears to be unreciprocated commitment. Others reciprocated, but in languages that are not communicating to one another. Others, maybe the commitment is to a feeling but not to something with a strong enough foundation.  In other words, commitment is nigh impossible to judge from the outside.  So we shouldn't. We should be willing to pray and to offer support as requested. But judgment needs to be reserved.

As we journey through life we will see marriage commitments that seem to fail.  Let us be careful in how we respond.  Let us be quick to extend grace and slow to judge. May we remember that demonstrations of commitment are personal to the individuals in the situations. How you would react may not be generalized to everyone should react the same way.  If we can do that, maybe we can show a little of Christ's encouragement to others.
 

Please join us at Chrysalis Cafe for more discussions of commitment.

Marriage Monday--Blessing my Parents

When I read the topic for the month--Blessing our Parents--I have to admit, I was a little stumped. Distance often makes it difficult for me to feel like I am giving a blessing to my wonderful dad and his incredible wife. (Blessing my mother before her death was even more difficult but for other reasons entirely!)

But I do think that it is a fair question. How can we bless our parents in our marriage?

I know how to bless them with my children, their grandchildren. I foster a relationship even across the distance. I give them updates. I tell my children stories of their grandparents. We draw cards and pictures and mail them across the sea. We celebrate the times we are together. Blessing the grandparent is easy.

But blessing the parent?

I am fortunate that I have a Dad who has always been honest with me and my brother about marriage. He never pretended that it was easy. And, we saw him strive to do what was best for the family. The time came when there was little more that he could do and my parents marriage eventually ended. But even in that time he was honest in his part of the blame and in allowing us kids to become our own persons separate from the marriage breakdown (I was 22 and my brother was 21). I get the feeling that my step-mom lived her first married life in front of her kids much the same way. She acknowledged that marriage was hard, and did the best she could. And now, they have a remarkable marriage together! In fact, this week they celebrate their fourth anniversary.

I think that one way I bless them is that I have an honest marriage. By honest I mean one that has ups and downs (thankfully more ups than downs), that perseveres and that acknowledges the effort marriage requires. That kind of marriage honours them because it is the kind of marriage that they have! As children, we try to take the best of what we saw in marriage and incorporate that into our own. I believe, in some small way that blesses our parents--when they see us move forward with the building blocks they have given us.

German and I were discussing last night some of the "best" we have taken from our parents marriages--for him the love to travel and spend time as a family and of taking care of one's own family, for me the importance of tithing, family vacations and extended family relationships.  We laughed about the fact that we don't do any of those things exactly like our parents--but we have taken the principles taught and made them our own in a way that works for us.  In some small way, that is honouring the ones who went before us and taught us. (at least we hope it is)

Today, however, I want to indulge a little further in an attempt to bless my step-mom. Step-mothers get a bad rap in our culture and I find it so opposite my experience. Dix is the absolute best! When Mom died in February, I never once felt that I had to keep at bay the emotions. She made it clear that her home was our home. When family sat around the table and told stories of the past she stayed and was part of it. When my Dad needed time to grieve his first wife, she gave it. When my kids needed a place to be that was away from the emotion, she happily took off work and kept them. Dix made it possible to get through that week (and the following trip of cleaning out memories) without guilt and struggle. Graciousness exudes from her, and it made those weeks easier.  So I just want to take a moment to very publically say THANK YOU! Thank you for accepting this motley crew as your own and thank you for the refuge your home provides and thank you for loving my Dad.

Ultimately, isn't that the way we bless anyone? Just to love them, and let them love us in return.

Happy Anniversary Dad and Dix!!!

(and I can't wait to see you..just a few more weeks)

Marriage Monday--Girl Talk about Love

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The Marriage Monday theme this month is Girl Talk: Talking to our daughters about love.

I've found this timely this week. Saturday night, German and I had a very rare date night planned. We have not been able due to scheduling commitments and baby sitting issues to have regular "dates" and when we have gone out, we have not necessarily called them dates. Jewel has been fascinated as Mommy and Daddy planned for their date night. She has asked what a date is and why you still need dates once you are married. I've answered as much as I can for a seven year old to understand. She finally summed it all up the other night by saying "so you are a better mommy and daddy when you have time to talk together." I actually think that is a pretty good summation.

That is one of the first things I hope that I communicate about loving your spouse--it takes time and work to keep it strong. We can have a good marriage within the busyness of life. However, with some effort to have alone time to talk, dream, or even vent we can take the good and make it great. I want them to understand that no relationship just happens--we must invest in the other person to grow the relationship.

Furthermore, I want them to hear from me, and see in our marriage, that love is about choosing what is best for the other person even when we don't feel the right "emotion." I want them to see it in the way their daddy and I meet each other's needs. But I also want them to hear it. We all have days that we find it hard to "feel" loving. When that happens, I want us to be honest about how hard it is to choose to love. There are times when we have had a hard day of boundary pushing that as I put Jewel to bed she will apologize for behavior and she will often ask "do you still love me?" I always make a point to not only accept the apology (and apologize when necessary) but to also remind her that no matter the behavior I will always choose to love her and that we will start over on the behavior the next day. Mirroring how to choose to love begins those life-long lessons.

Communicating about love from God's perspective instead of the world's perspective is challenging. I am fully aware that some of this is learned from the Bible verses that we are learning, but more is learned from watching their daddy and me. I can teach them that "Love is patient" all day but if I am always impatient with them or with German, they will have learned the wrong lesson. They will learn more about forgiveness and loyalty and steadfastness from watching us than from lectures from us. I pray that the lessons that they are seeing match the things I tell them.

Today they are four and seven, so "girl talk" around our house is quite general. My main goal at this time is to provide an atmosphere that is right for the talk to come naturally. If I lay this foundation firmly, then the talks of the future should be natural as well.

Just in closing, because sometimes it is easier to see what we don't want instead of what we do, I want to comment on what not to have part of my "girl talk" with my daughters. As I look back, I recall no time that my mom talked with me about falling in love with my dad, planning her wedding (there is one anecdote I know of their wedding day), dreaming for the future with my dad or anything of that sort. Instead, I heard all the things that made her unhappy both in life and in marriage. I always knew that she was disappointed with how things were. Although I recall conversations of the the "mechanics" of growing up there were none of the emotional aspects of being with someone else. That is not the memory I want my girls to recall. I want them to recall their dad and I reliving our dating days, our wedding, and the things we loved about those giddy times. I want them to see us sitting and dreaming of our future. I want them to see us holding hands and kissing and blushing from things that are whispered in ears. I want them to see love between us as well as us talk about it. That is why last week was so much fun--even before the date--because I was able to answer the questions of "why date?" which were followed by "what other dates have you done?" I told them about eagle watching with their daddy. They have heard about the hot air balloon ride, and now it can be put in the context of dating and falling in love. Their interest in our relationship provided natural opportunities to talk. And natural talk is the best kind of girl talk.

Please join the Marriage Monday group over at Chrysalis. You are sure to be blessed. I'm, personally, hoping to glean from those whose daughters are older some ideas for future girl talks around here. Now, I'm off to enjoy my holiday Monday (we have ours a week before you guys in the States). Have a lovely day!

Marriage Monday---Right for Each Other?

On paper, German and I are totally wrong for one another. Totally. Incompatible.

He the score-off-the-range extrovert who truly needs people around him all the time in order to regroup and re-energize. Me the score-off-the-range introvert who truly needs in the range 21 hours of alone time daily to re-energize. Incompatible.

He the quick to make a decision, easy to make judgments, thinker and me the let's mull it over a while, intuitive feeler. Incompatible.

He the Army brat who traveled the world and me who lived on the same plot of land (although changed houses at age 4) my whole life. Did I say incompatible?

On paper we are not right for one another.

But God does not deal with "on paper" statistics. And in God's economy, we are totally right for one another.

Because I can push him to learn to be content in the quiet and alone times. He can push me to be much more social. He can actually get us to the decision while I can share my intuition about how things may play out. My feeling tendencies balance his thinking. And he took this small town girl and gave her something she always wanted--the world. At the same time I was able to step to his side and be what he always needed--a wife that could support him no matter where in the world the job took him.

Does it matter that we appear to be complete opposites? No, that is exactly what makes us right for one another. Opposites can bring balance, and that is what we do for one another.

I'm so glad God didn't see the incompatibilities, but instead saw how we would complement one another! German is one of the greatest blessings I have ever received. My life would be incompatible without him.

Success in marriage isn't finding the right person, it's being the right person.

Join us at Christine's site Fruit in Season to hear more discussion on this awesome quote and how we are/are not "right" for one another.

Marriage Monday--Seasons

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For the summer, Marriage Monday is going to be hosted by its creator Christine at Fruit in Season. This month she has chosen this amazing topic of Seasons in Marriage, which has some truly insightful posts already attached to it. This, I fear, will not be one of those.

I remember when we were preparing to get married we received the advice to wait at least three years before having children "so that you have learned to live as a real married couple and not a honeymooning couple" before the reality of children changed our lives. It seemed good advice, and we did follow it with God's grace and guidance. But the truth is, we crashed out of that "spring" or "honeymoon" stage within five months of getting married. We moved into the "reality stages" of marriage pretty quickly. German was transferred to a new account five months into our marriage and we spent the majority of our first year with him in Alabama and me in Washington state. Nothing like a lot of distance to force the reality of how we cope with pressures.

We have had the winter seasons in our marriage--two miscarriages, job uncertainties, etc.--but they have never seemed long or desolate. Instead, we seem to flow in and out of the different seasons without much change in how we are. In fact, there are uncertainties in our life right now that I believe most would see as winter. Yet, when I asked German last night how he would describe this season, he answered "peaceful." We have children pushing the boundaries of our patience and time, a need to make a change in accounts but no accounts to go to at work, church tension (best word for it) and fluxes in relationships. Yet he calls it "peace" and I would call it "content." It is a good season to be in, despite the roller coaster it could be.

I love watching people who have worked through seasons more systematically. They had their children young and close together, they stayed in one place or ministry for a period of time, they prepared for a future without children at home and were able to enjoy it. Those marriages give me a foundation of what the seasons look like. But I know that we will never go through seasons systematically. We were single longer than most of our friends, we had our children later (they all have college kids, we have primary school kids), we move around so often, we cannot even envision where we might want to grow old together much less how. God has called us to a marriage that will ebb and flow the seasons differently than our friends. I am thankful for that. He, in His wisdom, knew how we as individuals would approach life and gave us to one another to share that life together. How amazing is that!

I don't know what this season is called. But I call it content, and that is all I need.

Marriage Monday--Friendship in Marriage

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We spent the weekend in London with old friends. It had been ten months since we last saw them at a party, but more than that since we had any quality time together just the two families. So this was very much a renewing the friendship type weekend. We had a wonderful time. We ate together, laughed together, learned a little at the science museum together, worshiped together, and even shed a few tears together as we parted. It was good, really good.

As good as it was, all of us would admit that there were some thoughts of concern before we got together. Would the friendship still be easy? Would we still have things to talk about? How would the girls react since they hardly know them? Although we really wanted to see each other we had to wonder if it would be the same.

(for the record, it was)

That is something we never have to worry about when our friend is our spouse. Where the ebb and flow of life can pull other friendships apart, it only serves to strengthen the friendship in a Christian marriage. Those life experiences become more of the bedrock upon which the friendship is borne.

We've seen that the past few months. With the pressures of economy, work, kids, home life and the like it would be easy to pull apart. Friends we would normally see fairly often, we see infrequently as they are also in the midst of pressures of life. Those friendships will remain, but be a little more distant because of the demands of life. But the marriage friendship? It gets stronger and stronger as we share life together and as we seek God's hand in the decisions. We find more time to really appreciate just being together, just getting in the car and driving together, and just praying together and for each other. The foundation grows.

Friday night we wandered through London together. We didn't say much, we just walked together enjoying a beautiful evening in a bustling city. When we got back to the hotel German commented that it had been a perfect evening. We didn't need to talk. We didn't need to think about anything important. We just needed to be together. As he put the girls to bed, Jewel prayed and said "thank you God that we could have fun together tonight in London."

My girls saw it--just have fun being together.


That quiet togetherness is the essence of Friendship of Christian Marriage, at least it is for us.

Want to read more about friendship in Christian Marriage? Join us at Chrysalis' place for more reflections.

Marriage Monday---Surprise

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This month's topic is "The Surprise of Christian Marriage." I spoke with German last evening about the topic, and we could both relate several times we had surprised each other early in our marriage, but not so many in the last few years. We wondered together if that is because of time, kids, busyness. But we concluded that, for us, it relates to two things---we are so comfortable together surprise is not always easy to achieve and (probably more importantly) he has learned that I'm not that fond of surprises. I like to be prepared. ;-)

But all that being said, marriage itself was a surprise for us. I never planned to get married. From a young age, I didn't expect to get married. The first time German heard me speak at a church function, my opening line was "I'm single by calling and by choice, and it is okay." (Obviously I was speaking at a Single Adult meeting.) When I rang my Dad to tell him I was getting married, his response was, "You're doing what?" It was unexpected. And I do believe that I was Single by calling for a season. The ministry that I was able to do during that time would not have been possible had I been married or even been looking to be married. But God had different plans for my late 20s and beyond and when I was 27 he surprised me with someone He intended to be my husband, and I to be his helpmate.

We've been surprised along the way with what God intended. Four months after we married, German took a new job across the country. It took months for me to be able to join him. He surprised us with the excitement we would feel at our first pregnancy...and the consequent grief we could endure at the loss of the pregnancy. He surprised us in how He could bond us together in that grief. He has surprised us with the ease we found the ex-Pat life, the ministry that has been here for both of us individually and together. He surprised us with two beautiful little girls who delight us and challenge us daily. As we sit here in anticipation of the next thing on the horizon we only know one thing...God already knows what it is and will delight and revealing the surprise to us in the right timing.

We do surprise one another, often quite successfully. A front yard filled with 30 pink flamingos and a billboard announcing my age on my 30th birthday was a definite surprise. Walking into his office filled with black balloons and baby pictures of himself (that he didn't even know we had) on his 40th birthday was a surprise. Unexpected flowers or a favorite meal. An hour of "freedom" from responsibilities to do whatever we please. These are things with which we are able to surprise each other. But in our Christian marriage, the surprises we love the most are the surprises that God gives us. It's been that way from the beginning of our blossoming friendship. We pray that it will be that way as we grow old together.

Marriage Monday is being hosted this week by Lynn at Unequal Marriage. Please join us there for more surprises.

Marriage--Happiness or Holiness?

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I never planned to get married. I was happy as a single person. I was content in who I was. I was happily involved in ministries that I thought would be hindered by relationships. But God had other plans. And when he brought German into my life (you'll have to wait until next month's Marriage Monday to hear that story), I wasn't so sure that God understood my plans. After all, I was happy and content and leading a successful single's ministry. But God saw the bigger picture.

Within a few months of our getting married, I began to see the bigger picture as well. The only problem was, I was totally unhappy. Miserable in the circumstances would have been a better description. We were still head-over-heels in love, and totally amazed that God had seen fit to allow us to meet and get married. But the emotional reaction to the circumstances was anything but positive. God still held the bigger picture, and He knew in coming through the current trial we would not only be happy and content, but we would be a clearer example of unconditional love in a marriage. He was making us holy, but for a time it meant allowing us to be unhappy.

Four months after we got married, German was transferred at work from Spokane, Washington where our life together was to Birmingham, Alabama. The job was great. We were excited about the move. But when he left in March, I stayed behind to finish at work and sell the house before I could join him. The housing market fell apart at the same time. Finally in September we decided that we were miserable apart, and I would just move down. We arranged for someone to watch the house and the cat until the house sold. It took another four months before it sold. But we learned so much in those months.

We learned that we still had to depend on God, even though we were now married. With thousands of miles between us we could not depend on each other for day-to-day needs and we could not manage the other's emotional needs from a distance. We learned that when God says love unconditionally He means unconditionally. I don't think I would have easily given my heart to German if I had known he would leave me and move across the country---but God had already caused me to love him when it happened. In that same vein I learned to respect German's leading our family even if it seemed impossible. Through lots of mistakes, I finally got it that complaining about the "job" taking him away was an attack on him not the job. So, I learned to take those things to God.

Those lessons were painful. But they were important. They helped to set our marriage apart. They gave us a testimony of God's faithfulness in struggles. They taught us to totally appreciated the times that God brings the good and fun in our life--to be totally happy in each other's presence. More importantly, they taught us that even if we could not find that elusive happiness in the situation we could still find God's peace and joy in His presences. Finally they prepared us for a time when God would say "take the job" and it would lead German to move to England, and leave me in Birmingham. Only in that move we were able to not reside in the unhappy miserable mental state of before, because God had refined us in the early years.

God allows us to find happiness in our marriage. He delights when we are delighting in what He has given us. But as important as our emotional state, His first desire is to make us holy. And He uses our marriages to develop His holiness in our lives. That's how it should be--since our marriages reflect His relationship with the church.

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. Ephesians 5:22-27

I'm so thankful He gives me a friend, partner and lover with whom I can share happy times. But I'm most grateful that He works in all of my marriage to make us holy. That is the ultimate desire of my heart.

Marriage Monday is a meme hosted by e-Mom at Chrysalis.blogspot.com the first Monday of each month. It is an opportunity to explore different themes within the topic of marriage. Please visit some of the others writing on this subject of happiness or holiness. I know you will be blessed.

Marriage Monday---Divorce

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The topic of discussion for this month's Marriage Monday is this: "Is Divorce Ever Right?" I'll invite you right now to go to Chrysalis' site to find much more thought out, well reasoned and articulated posts than this one will be. There are some really amazing women who participate in this monthly meme and I am sure will be much more insightful than I am.

I've been struggling with this post for a couple of weeks. Thoughts and images that have come to my mind include:
*As a product of divorced parents I find myself torn. My parents waited to separate and divorce until the kids left the house, then when we were gone after 23 years of marriage it ended. But the fact was, the marriage had ended long before that and the kids they were "protecting" knew it. So I look at the wasted time and the added hurt they (and we) encountered. There were none of the *big* reasons for divorce there--they were mismatched from the begining with different agendas and different goals. I doubt that they ever achieved the *oneness* of marriage. But does being mismatched allow for divorce? (I say this with trepidation knowing that my step-Mom at least, and maybe my Dad, reads this, so please don't be offended...).
*As a social worker and a counselor I encountered more than one family where there was real danger to remain in the marriage. The physical danger was real and showed in the bruises and broken bones (not to mention broken spirits) of the family members. Staying was not an option until changes took place for safety. But was dissolution of the marriage the only option?
*I remember as a young teen a friend's mom telling me that she knew that there was sin involved in her first marriage but that she believed her sin was in "marrying someone she knew that God was saying run away from, not from getting away from the danger when she finally woke up." The quote stayed with me. It reminded me that marrying the right person was just as important as staying with them. But what should one do when they have married the *wrong* person?
*I have a few friends who had little choice in the matter of an actual divorce--their spouse walked away, refused any steps toward reconciliation, and filed. Whether or not they wanted to be, they found themselves divorced. Where is their responsibility in it all?

We live in a society that makes it easy to justify sin. We justify overindulgence, materialism, greed, selfishness, etc. Justifying divorce is just as easy. I was appalled as a youth worker by the number of kids who felt like "well if it doesn't work we can always divorce" when discussing how they should choose a future mate. *Irreconciliable differences* has made the divorce question seem so easy. But it is not that easy.

Micah 2:15-16 reminds us "Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. "I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel, "and I hate a man's covering himself with violence as well as with his garment," says the LORD
Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith. '

Jesus says that the law of Moses "permitted" divorce because their hearts were hard. (Mt 19) It was never considered to be the *best* or what God intended. But it was happening, so rather than women being abandoned without anything, rules of divorce were introduced. When Jesus says "except in the case of marital Unfaithfulness" (Mt. 5:32), he is acknowledging a reason why divorce may seem reasonable. But He never said that it was the best or what should be pursued. I have seen marriages restored from even the worst of circumstances when both person actively pursued God and allowed Him to transform their marriage. I'm not suggesting that it is easy--it is far from it. Our most intimate relationships highlight the worst of the sin that lurks in each of our hearts. We must constantly fight for the purity and the integrity in the relationship.

A final influence goes through my mind. My lovely Christian friend is married to an unbeliever. They have been married thirty years now. He has had numerous affairs during the course of their marriage, which she learned about fifteen years ago. He is unrepentant. She has been advised over and over that this is a *permissable* reason to leave. She has chosen to stay. She said to me once that she could not describe the pain in the decision of staying, but that she was not going to be the one to leave. If he ever filed for divorce, she said she would not contest it, but she would not sin by walking away from her commitment to God to be married to him. She then said, "he never made a commitment to God to stay with me because he did not acknowledge God and that without commitment to God no marriage is safe from infidelity." She has taught me more by staying in this marriage than I could learn from any book or classroom.

Is divorce ever right? I don't believe so. Not because there are never justifiable reasons to not be with a person--but because the commitment to marriage is not just between a man and woman, it is between that man or woman and God. In cases of abusive behavior, separation from the danger is definitely right. Counseling, retraining of actions, anger management and lots of prayer are necessary. But dissolution of a marriage, breaking of a covenant made with and before God, is not right.

But, just as with any other commitment before God that we break, His loving mercy is always there for restoration. He never leaves us in our brokenness if we seek Him. Whether it is the brokenness of a relationship, the brokenness of falling to a temptation yet again, or even willful prideful rebellion--when we repent and seek Him we can always find Him. Praise God for that!

The thoughts expressed in this article are mine brought forth from my own experience and reading of the Scripture. I realize that others may not agree with me. I respect your right to your opinion and ask for that same respect. Blessings on your day!

Marriage Monday--3 Things Daughters Need to Know

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I have good intentions each month to participate in Marriage Mondays hosted by Chrysalis, but I always seem to fall short. But this month's topic, "Three Things Your Daughters Must Know About Her Marital Needs" finally got me to write.

My daughters are only five and almost three, so marriage is a long ways off. But this topic has been on my mind. Recently, at the Bridal Tea for a friend, guests were asked to help fill a book with advice. Much of what I'll write here is taken from what I told her. And most of it is fueled by the book Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. In fact, the first advice I gave my friend was read the book. Dr. Eggerichs gives good advice in an honest, funny and straight-forward manner with enough examples from his own marriage that you don't feel "he has it all together and no one else ever can." I know that by the time my little girls are allowed to date, fall in love and plan a wedding there will be a myriad of new books out there, but this one speaks to me right now.

The first thing I will tell them, is that the first year of marriage is HARD! I think so many people enter marriage believing that "we are so in love, this will be easy" and are shocked when it is most decidedly not easy. That first year, you are really learning each other's habits and routines. You are are learning how to fit two personalities and expectations under the same roof. You are learning how to dance the give and take that will feature throughout your marriage. And all of this is difficult and takes work. Don't be surprised by it, but be prepared to work hard at it. I told my friend they needed to "be gentle with each other" during this year. Be gentle with feelings--they are easily hurt and may not even understand why they are hurt. Be gentle with expectations and keep them realistic. And be gentle with words--while you need to communicate often and honestly, know that those words, especially at the beginning, do set the tone for the future.

The second thing I hope to impart to them is that their love for their husband will not be enough to solve all the problems they may face in their marriage--but their love for God and their desire to follow God in their marriage will be enough. It is imperative to keep our relationship with God in priority in our lives and for it to be an active and intimate relationship. Only then, can we lean on that relationship when we don't have the answers to solve the problems--big life changing problems as well as small irritations--that are sure to arise in our marriages. Prayer changes people, and I find that often I am the one God changes not my husband. :-) Early in our marriage, German had a persistent habit that not only irritated me, but scared me in that it could have led to danger. I nagged, I complained, I sighed heavily, I rolled my eyes--you know all the things that wives do to show our displeasure. Nothing changed. Finally, I started praying about it, telling God how scared I was and asking Him to change German's attitude toward this one thing. Almost immediately I stopped noticing it as much. God gave me a peace about it as I let it go to Him. But he did not immediately change the behavior. In fact, it took eight years and the birth of our first child for there to be a noticeable difference. I'd love to say I was the model of waiting, but I was not always. But as God worked in my life and I learned to trust Him more and more, I became less of a part of the problem. Then God was able to work in German's life. All that to say, trust the relationship with God. Sometimes only He can affect change. And in the bigger things that attack your marriage, He is the only chance you have. The more each of you depend on God for the little things, the easier it is to trust God with the big things in your marriage.

My final piece of advice actually stems from the last. It is that your husband will NOT meet all of your needs (especially spiritually and emotionally) and just as importantly you will NOT meet all of his needs (especially spiritually and physically). God did not design us to meet all the needs of our spouse. He has always intended that He is to be the One on Whom we depend for all of our needs to be met. He did, however, give us our spouses as a help meet. Our spouse helps to meet our needs. But just as our husband is human, he cannot fill the parts of us that are designed to be God-filled. We cannot fill the parts of them that are designed to be God-filled. Oft times when I am struggling that my needs (especially emotional since that is how women are wired) are not being met, God quietly reminds me that I have not asked Him and I have expectations that German cannot meet. This does not mean that we can check out and say "well since I can't meet his needs I won't try" but instead it is to remind us that when we have done our part and it seems like it is simply not enough, we need to trust them to God to satisfy the rest. And when we feel we are empty, to not immediately blame our husbands, but to seek God and ask for His satisfaction.

Marriage is the best thing that God has blessed me with. But it is also the hardest. I find that true even more right now, with young children that need and rightfully demand attention and energy. But I'm learning that this relationship is still the most important, outside my relationship with God. I pray that my little ones grow up seeing parents who are in tune with one another, who seek God together and who enjoy being together. That would be the best heritage I could hope to give them!

Defining Biblical Marriage

Christine over at Fruit in Season hosts an awesome Monday meme called Marriage Monday that I have yet to actually participate. I find Monday a difficult day to blog for some reason. Right now she is leading a 30 day challenge to honor our husbands. Again, awesome idea and I'm praying along with everyone but not participating. (I've been on a 6 month challenge to respect my husband and the results have been amazing. But I haven't felt comfortable blogging much about it since German is so private. Maybe someday.) Anyway, a couple of weeks back, Marriage Monday was about traditional or comtemporary marriage, what is a biblical marriage, etc. And my wheels have been spinning. I would definitely call my marriage traditional (sahm while husband works) and I would pray that it is a Biblical marriage, but I hadn't really been able to articulate what that meant since it really is my only framework for looking at marriage.

Then, Monday happened. And I was in my quilt group which is made up of 15 ladies, about half attend church and half have no church or God interest at all. The conversation was enlightening and I found my difference between a non-Biblical traditional marriage and a Biblical traditional marriage. Pretty much everyone in the room would say their marriage was traditional. In the group there are 5 expats including myself. The other 4 are preparing to return to the US. Their husbands are all looking for their next assignment and a few have been to interviews and check out potential new homes. Here was the discussion:
S: We really don't have a clue where will end up.
G: Well we aren't sure either. Place I is definitely a no, but Place H, Place S or Place C are still possibilities.
S: I'd never go to Place H.
G: We actually liked it. I don't care where we go as long as hubby is happy.
S: I want him to be happy too, but we wouldn't be happy there.
G: What if that is where the only job is?
S: Then he can be happy there without me because I'm going to Place S.

I wasn't sure how to even respond. I have definitely had input into every place that we have moved (i.e. I've said what I like and what I haven't liked) but I've never said "I'll be in x". I don't make that decision, German does. I don't have an equal vote. And I certainly don't have veto power. It is his career, and he gets to make that decision. But I realized that for me it goes deeper than that (and this is how I'd define a Biblical marriage): German will be held accountable for how he led this family and cared for this family before God, therefore he gets to make those decisions. Biblically the husband is given the leadership role and will be judged accordingly. I will be held accountable for how I followed German's lead and served God with the talents He has given me. Part of my job is to trust that German is following God's lead and as long as where he is leading is not against God's word I'm to go. (Although I have told German and God that if the call is ever to the Middle East, Someone is going to have to write it on the wall so I'm sure.) For me a Biblical marriage is each person fulfilling the role of husband and wife as laid out in Scripture. I find that incredibly freeing, not limiting. I am content to follow where he leads, and spend my energy doing the things I am called to do (like prepare the girls for whatever is next, teach them consistently, encourage and support German, etc). I am so thankful I am not like my friend "S" who has already decided where the job cannot take her. I wonder what blessings she may have missed, totally unaware. I don't want to be a stopper to the blessings God wants to pour out.

Last year when German decided to resign his job before we had a new job, I was surprised how many people commented on my "letting" him do that. I didn't "let" him. I followed him and I trusted him and God, but the decision was his. I am so thankful for that! We would have missed a tremendous blessing if we had played it safe. Much of the testimony of God's faithfulness would have been lost. And German's absolute and unwavering faith in the God who led him would have been negated if his wife had "let" him follow God. I believe that he will receive a blessing for stepping out in faith (more than we have already received here). I believe my blessing comes from following and supporting even if in my head occassionally I was saying God this is scary. God rewards the faithfulness of His children. I'm so glad I didn't stop God's blessings poured out on my husband. And I am thrilled how much God taught me about being a respectful wife during that time.

So how about you? How would you define your marriage? How does that play out practically in the everyday of your life? How would you like it be different? I'd love to hear your thoughts as we grow together.

Thank you Christine for getting my thought wheels turning.

IOW--A Three Stranded Marriage

Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their work:

If one falls down,
his friend can help him up.
But pity the man who falls
and has no one to help him up!

Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?

Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12


These were the verses used as the basis of our wedding invitations and ceremony. We chose to focus, from the very start, that we could not be "everything" to each other. Maybe it was that we were "older" (I was 27) when we got married. We had lived away from family, as adults, for almost ten years. So, there was a sense of how to cope with life, and trust in God for the ups and downs of life, before we got married. The foundation was set and we were going to build on it.

That sounds great in theory and planning. Practice, on the other hand, was more difficult. We were married in November. In April, German moved to Alabama to take a new job. I stayed in Washington to sell the house. I was miserable. I was a newlywed with no husband. And I was angry...with German, with well-meaning friends who kept asking how I was, with the lousy housing market, with German's old job, with German's new job, with God....you get the idea. I knew in my head that God had blessed us with the job and that He was working out His plan. But I was not resting in it. Nightly phone calls were miserable. German was not making me happy--and I let him know it. By September, the house had still not sold and the decision was made we couldn't do what we were doing any longer. A young cousin of mine agreed to watch the house and feed the cat daily--and I left for Alabama. It was a difficult six weeks of learning to live together, again. But the amazing thing was....German still did not make me happy. I was still miserable. I was focused on the house not selling, us being in temporary housing, and the mountain of things that would need to be done when we moved. I wanted to look for a job, but until we were settled I couldn't (my car was in Washington for one thing). I still was not trusting God with the move.

The house did eventually sell. We moved into our home in January. We found a church. I found a job. But the most important thing I found during that time was a knowledge that my new husband could not meet all of my needs. I learned to trust God and His timing during that year. I begged him that I would never have to do that again. But a few years later, I would find myself putting German on a plane to move to England without me. I would stay with friends while being there to sell our house. But this time I did it with a peace of understanding that my emotional and spiritual needs would be met by God and when He allowed it I would join German. What a difference the move was! I feel certain that this scene will continue to replay in our life, but God is constant and wants our best. When I trust Him with that, then, and only then, can German and I meet each other's needs.

"One of the secrets to a happy marriage is remembering the source of our joy, which is not one another. The source of our joy is the Lord. Yes, we share tons of joyous moments, but we don't expect, let alone demand, endless joy-filled moments from each other. "
~ Liz Curtis Higgs ~
from the devotional: Rise and Shine

Darlene is hosting "In Other Words" this week. Please join us here.

photo credit: www.morguefile.com; mervynjenkins

On Being Happily Married

I'll just warn you that this is a long post as I work out what God is refining in my thoughts of marriage. So you may want to go get a cup of tea. You may be here a while, lol.

German and I have been happily married for 11 years. We have our ups and our downs, but we are absolutely certain that God brought us together to be each other's complement and that apart we are not whole. We are happy, but we are not content to stay exactly where we are in our marriage. We believe that, as with every other aspect of our walk with Christ, He wants to give us more. That is where my meditation to be a more respectful wife came from at the beginning of the year. I knew in my heart and in my head that I respected German, but I knew that it could be more. And if the more came the marriage was going to be greater as well. When we are faithful to seek God with our hearts, He is faithful to refine us. And He has been blessing in incredible ways.

At the same time, I believe that if a theme becomes recurring in my study and my time with others, God is usually speaking. As I've stated before, I'm reading Dr. Eggerichs Love and Respect, which has been revolutionary for me in how I listen to German and how I expect for him to respond. This week I have been absolutely challenged by his statement that "ultimately my relationship with my spouse is not about my spouse at all but about my relationship with Jesus Christ." Wow. Ugh. Yeah. And I am reaping the benefits of that. God has honored my efforts over the last 6 weeks to prayerfully read this book and try to engage some of it into my marriage. The theme of marriage recurred in my time with two friends a couple of weeks ago. One of them asked if it was true that the wife was not allowed to say no to a husband's advances (alluding to 1 Corinthians 7:4-6). This led to a healthy, if not lively, discussion of the differences between a husband's needs and a wife's needs and how to find a balance in everything. These ladies were not newlyweds (one married 7 years and the other nearly 20) but still found it difficult to cope with differences in needs. Again, I was reminded of how different we really are and marveled at why God made us so different.

Then, this week I came upon this post at She Lives. This is one of my favorite sites because it is well-written and honest and incredibly funny. And I found myself "amening" through much of the post. Yes, it is over the top in places. But sometimes hyperbole catches attention to teach the lesson. (Read some of the parables looking for Jesus' use of hyperbole, great fun.) Yes it is more stark than I would have said it, but that is difference in personality. But in general my reactions were that the heart of the message was so right. We, as wives do need to make our husbands feel special, dress nicely for them, meet their physical needs, and respect them. Actually I believe that we are respecting them when we do those other things. I loved the post. I printed it to share with others (maybe even with my daughters 40 years from now when we finally allow them to look at boys). And I was mulling over it when I went to Restoring the Years site yesterday and found this post. And I nodded in agreement throughout it as well. But more in terms of "yes that is how it should be" and "gee I'd love to be that in synch with my husband" but not really in a "that describes my marriage" sort of way. And since I am so often in synch with GB at Restoring the Years I began praying about what was I missing.

I took both of the posts to my Bible Study today. The ladies present represented being married from 7 to 23 years. There was me (an American transplant), a born and raised Brit, a British Indian and a transplanted Scot in the group. We represented the Baptist, Anglican and Catholic faiths. Lots of diversity. First I read "She Lives" and everyone agreed that it was witty, had some good advice and was over-the-top. There was issue taken with "treating our husband as if he were Jesus." So a large part of our discussion was how do we serve our husbands? Why do we take them for granted or treat them with familiarity? What happens in the relationship when we truly serve? And when we got past the notion that "serving like Jesus" was treating them as a god (i.e. idolotry) and was really serving as Jesus commanded us, there were some good ideas come out of the discussion. Then I read "Restoring the Years." Without exception the comments were: I would like to have that but I don't. And we discussed why a marriage where we don't have to ask for our needs to be met they just are met is so difficult to grasp at.

It was a healthy discussion. And in it, I think God whispered to me that I was not missing anything. He whispered that He makes each marriage as distinctive as each person. What works for one of my blogging inspirations will not feel right for another (as GB put it "one size does not fit all") He drew me to ask, what does "oneness" look like in my marriage--not in others' marriages. Therein lies my answer. I believe that I am one with German--knit that way in God's perfect will. The crux of it comes in one of "She Lives" opening remarks. She says, "He's [her husband] one of the ones who didn't just marry a woman he can live with, he married a woman he can't live without." That is how I feel about German. I absolutely cannot picture my life without him. It would be as if I lost a part of my physical self if he were gone. But Oneness does not come at the expense of our own personalities. As I said at the beginning, we complement one another.

Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1) -
com·ple·ment –noun 1. something that completes or makes perfect: A good wine is a complement to a good meal.
2. the quantity or amount that completes anything: We now have a full complement of packers.
3. either of two parts or things needed to complete the whole; counterpart.

We take two disctinctly different personalities (an ESTJ and an INFP if you know Myers-Briggs terminology) and form a whole. We need each other. And the more I allow God to knit us into one, the more thankful I am that German and I are separate personalities, and that our needs, our perspectives and our dreams are different. If we did not have our differences we would not serve the kingdom of God together as effectively. I need his analytical insight. He needs my emotional empathy. Together we serve. And that makes us a better team. Although the thought of German knowing when I needed togetherness and when I needed space (and vice versa) sounds nice, I am content with the fact that our differences may mean that sometimes we have to voice our needs. I am thankful that German shares so many interests with me (more thoughts on this here), but I am also totally happy for him to go play with the boys and he is happy for me to play with the girls. We understand that we can be each other's "best friend" and still have a need for other friends. We have learned to let each other be who we are, because we know that the two of us together is so much more than each of us separate.


And, ultimately, it does come down to my relationship with God. If I am serving German out of a love relationship with German I will get tired, and frustrated, and disillusioned at times. He will as well if he is serving me only out of love for me. But when we serve each other out of a love relationship with God and out of obedience to God, He takes care of the frustrations and gives us a clearer love for one another. And that is what it is all about--a God-given unity and love for one another.

always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. Ephesians 5:20-22

However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Ephesians 5:33

Thank you Carol and GB for sharing challenging posts that help me see better where my marriage fits into God's plan for my husband and me.

photos from www.morguefile.com author=taliesin